Celebration!

Season 10 - Episode 1

"Celebration!"

FLLOYD   Thunders mouth theatre. Theatre of passion, poetry and philosophy. Yes, that's our actual tagline right there. Now, before we get started with Season 10, I want to take this opportunity to say a huge thank you to everyone who donated to the recent crowdfunding campaign for season nine. Rena Cook, AJ Fidalgo, Steve Titley, Justine Gaubert, Diana Jetter, Rachel Hanson, Iain Kennedy, Betty Ortez Littler, Dan Thomas, Keisha Dukes, Scott R. McKinley and Anon. And also our fabulous Patreons, Jane, Scott and Joanna. Your generosity enabled me to provide all of the actors with an honorarium payment. And of course, John, our fabulous composer musician. As well as buying our second microphone. And now, here we go with episode one of season ten. Enjoy.

JOEY:        [SINGS] `Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday Dear Ellie, Happy Birthday to you!

HELEN:     Thank you. 

JOEY:        Is that it?

HELEN:     What do you mean?

JOEY:        Don't I get a Hip Hip Hooray?

HELEN:     Aren't you supposed to do that?  I never heard of anyone hip hip hooray-ing themselves.

JOEY:        Really? Oh, I suppose not. Ok. Hip Hip -

HELEN:     Hooray.

JOEY:        That's the one. Hip Hip?

HELEN:     Hooray.

JOEY:        Come on, you can do better than that.  Hip Hip - HOORAY!

HELEN:     Hooray!

JOEY:        That's better. Now. How does it feel?

HELEN:     What? Being 80?

JOEY:        Yes.  I need to know. Is it worth it?

HELEN:     [LAUGHS] I guess. I'm still here. That must be worth something.

JOEY:        Well it's certainly worth something to me.  And I'm sure it does to your family.  But what does it mean to you?  How do you feel?

HELEN:     Pretty much the same as I did yesterday. 

JOEY:        Perhaps it's too soon?

HELEN:     For what?

JOEY:        For you to notice the difference, my darling.  Maybe you have to be 80 for a few days, or maybe a few weeks even, before it creeps up on you that you are now into your 9th decade. Of your actual life.

HELEN:     Wow! You make it sound so dramatic!

JOEY:        Well if you can't make a drama out of a climactic birthday event.

HELEN:     Do you mean climactic in the sense of it referring to a climax?

JOEY:        That is exactly what I mean.

HELEN:     Joey, sweetheart, when is your birthday again?

JOEY:        July 14th. Bastille day. In case you'd forgotten that too.

HELEN:     Soooo, you'd got just over a month to go. Are you feeling a climax is about to be reached?

JOEY:        We-ell... Sort of.  yes, I guess I do. Didn't you?

HELEN:     You know, I really didn't.  Does that make me weird? More weird than usual.

JOEY:        Yes. But I'm not surprised. Now that I think about it. You never did seem to be bothered by birthdays coming and going. Time passing. You do seem to have the ability to sail through them with such equanimity.  I'm very jealous. And no, of course you are not weird. You're just wonderful. Don  't ever change.

KEYS IN THE DOOR, DOOR OPENING

SUSIE:       Hi Gran!

JANEY:     Hi Mum!

HERA:       Hi Helen!

HELEN:     Oh my goodness!

JOEY:        What is it?  Do you have visitors?

HELEN:     Yes! It seems I'm being invaded by my family

HERA:       And friends.

HELEN:     Yes, and friends.

PERSEPHONE:  Me too! I'm a friend

HELEN:     Seffi!  How wonderful!  Oh, this is just amazing.

SEFFI:       I know!  It was so hard to get back this year, I was so late, and I've been really busy, but I so wanted to see you and help you to celebrate your glorious day.

HELEN:     Right, well, look , everyone, come and say hello to Joey, Joanna Wilkinson, my oldest friend. She's calling from Sydney.

EVERYBODY:   Hi Joey!! [GENERAL CHATTER EVERYBODY CHATTING WITH JOEY

JOEY:        Well, hello everybody! Lovely to meet you. Now, I know Janey, and Susie, but-

SUSIE:       Oh, sorry Joey, this is Hera.

HERA:       How do you do, Madame Joey! I am Hera.

JOEY:        Ok. Right. Queen of the Gods. Thank you. Lovely to meet you. And who is the very tall young lady behind you?

HERA:       This is Persephone. We call her Seffi. She is quite something, yes?

SEFFI:       Hi Joey. So good to meet you.

JANEY:     Mum.  Can I have a word?

HELEN:     Sure, Come into the kitchen.

JOEY:        And you've all arrived to celebrate Helen's birthday with her?

HERA:       Yes. We are taking her out for the day. To enjoy the sunshine and to eat some wonderful food.

JOEY:        And your husband? Zeus? Is he joining you?

ZEUS:        [I heard that]

SUSIE:       What was that? Did you hear that?

SEFFI:       Don't worry about it.

HERA:       Oh! Oh not at all. He is safely tucked up in his safe place.

MUSIC

HELEN:     What is it Janey? Everything ok?

JANEY:     Sure.  Now Mum, have you had breakfast yet?

HELEN:     What do you mean breakfast? I'm still in my PJs.

JANEY:     Oh, good. So, here's the plan. We're all going to head down to the cheese shop cafe for breakfast. Ilsa is on the case. If you just tell me what you want, I'll text it to her and she'll have it ready by the time we get there. And then... where do you think we're going? Well?

HELEN:     We're going to the park.

JANEY:     Yes, that's exactly where we're going. Only we're going to Brockwell Park, to have a lovely lazy stroll and then we're going to have a picnic lunch. Susie and I have brought some things, and Ilsa will provide a huge pot of coffee, and there is also a bottle of Prosecco from Jon.

HELEN:     But that's miles away. You won't have room in the car for everyone.

JANEY:     Mum!  Seffi and Hera have their own means of transportation, remember.

HELEN:     Oh. Oh yes, of course they do. So just you, me and Susie.  And hey!  Where are the boys? Oh, I suppose Jonathan is working, and Charlie is... Charlie-ing.

JANEY:     Indeed.  But actually, they're banned from the first two parts of the All Day Surprise Birthday Party. We're getting to meet up with them for dinner.

HELEN:     Dinner. What makes you think I can eat three full meals in one day?

JANEY:     Oh, Mum. You don't have to eat much of any of them. Just take what you want. The thing is just going to be a lovely relaxing day.

HELEN:     I don't suppose you've factored time for a nap in there?

JANEY:     If you want to have a nap, you shall have a nap. Right?

HELEN:     Great. Okay if I get dressed now?

JANEY:     I think that's a splendid idea.

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

HERA:       Excuse me please?  Am I interrupting?. May I help you?

HELEN:     Well, that's very kind of you Hera. I think I can manage - wait! I tell you what. Yes, you can come and help me choose what I'm going to wear.

HERA:       Oh good. I like to help people to find beautiful things to wear. Yes.

HELEN:     Well, I don't know that I've got such beautiful things in my wardrobe, but come on up! How is Zeus, by the way? Is he coming this evening?

ZEUS:        [I heard that!]

HELEN:     Wha-? What is that?

HERA:       No, he won't be joining us. He is back home, on Mount Olympus - meditating. I think.

HELEN:     Really?  Now that's hard to imagine, I must admit.

HERA:       I quite agree. But that's what he said.  Or perhaps it was ... cogitating ... Or constipating... He suffers greatly with that, my darling Zeus.

ZEUS:        [I heard that!]

HELEN:     There it is again!

HERA:       Oh, don't worry, Helen.  It's just an automatic system he has set up, every time his name is mentioned by me, or near me, an alarm goes off in his head and he transmits this:  'I heard that' message into our ears. He has no idea what we actually say.

HELEN:     Are you sure?

HERA:       Oh yes. If he were actually listening, he would hear this - [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT] "Oh, Helen, did you know that my marital partner is a total nutcase who thinks he is the god of all gods, ever, in the whole history of life on earth?" Now wait... See? Nothing.  However, if I say:  "my beloved husband is the biggest idiot who ever drew breath, that is my darling... Zeus"

ZEUS:        [I heard that!]

HERA:       You see?  It's the latest development in artificial stupidity, the automatic repeating... Zeus!

ZEUS:        [I heard that!]

HELEN:     I get it.  It's just a recording. But is that really his voice? 

HERA:       Who else could it be?

HELEN:     An artificially generated copy of his voice?

HERA:       No! I don't believe so. I have known that voice for millennia. It contains all of the small and large elements and essences of his vanity and his vulnerability, his devious and quixotic nature. No machine could ever replicate that, down to the cellular level where it is so much a part of my existence. I would know. His voice is his very self, made audible. As the song goes [SINGS] 'I know him so well']

MANDRAGURA THEME.

MIDROLL 9:47

OUTRO

FLLOYD:  And we're off, with Season 10!  Welcome back to Helen's cockamamy world. In this episode you heard Wendy Lap as Hera, and me, Flloyd Kennedy, as everybody else. The music is from John T LaBarbera's album In the Labyrinth. Now don't go anywhere, because here's an extra scene, an epilogue if you like. Wendy and I improvised this little chat between Hera and Helen, with a hint of what's coming up in Episode 2.  And as is often the case with these sessions, it didn't go quite to plan. Enjoy and thanks for listening. Stay safe.

EPILOGUE

HERA:       Hey! Helen!

HELEN:     Hey! Hera!

HERA:       I meant to ask. Your neighbour, is it Nina? Mina?

HELEN:     Oh Nana!  Nana Madeleine. 

HERA:       Nana. Nana.  How is she doing?

HELEN:     Oh, she's okay as far as I know. I haven't seen her for ages. Yeah. Oh funny you should-- Oh gosh! Oh, I almost forgot. Jennifer her, her granddaughter dropped a note under my door asking me to pop in.  Saying  Nana wants a word I've I must do that before we go out. Yeah.

HERA:       Oh!  Yeah. Go! Go go go. Do that! Yeah you must check. Old lady. Very important.

FLLOYD:  Except...  everybody's here and they're waiting to take me out for the day. So I haven't got the note yet. I've got the note, but I haven't opened it yet. [LAUGHTER]  Because it's going to be tomorrow when I go in to see her.

WENDY:   Okay.

HERA:       You have a note from Nina's daughter?

HELEN:     Oh. Nana's - Nana Madeleine. Yes. Her daughter Jennifer. Yes. She's-  She slipped a note under the door. I'll have a look at it later.

HERA:       Maybe is important? 

HELEN:     Um, yes, I'll have that-- good. Yes, I will. I'll have a look at it. Now. What do you think of this dress? What do you think?

HERA:       Aw... maybe not so much flowers?

HELEN:     You're quite right. D'ye know, Janey took me shopping and she bought it. I hate it! [LAUGHTER]

HERA:       Ah, ha ha!. Maybe something, a little less... floral.

HELEN:     Yes, okay. Let's go stripy. That's more picnic, isn't it stripey picnic.

HERA:       Perfect. Perfect!

FLLOYD:     Thank you. Oh, you're great at this. Ah, okay. We've got stuff to play with it. Right. Thank you.

WENDY       Good, good.

END