When a Good Plan Comes Together

FLLOYD:                               Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents Am I Old Yet?  Season 9, Episode 10, and Helen finally gets to see her grand plan coming together. Demeter, the Goddess of Nature, or Harvests, whichever you prefer, agreed to make wait for Helen's permission to act upon her wishes, and the moment has come. Enjoy - oh! and stick around at the end, for a Big Announcement!

SCENE 1

IN THE PARK

DEMETER:                           Helen!  There you are! I was beginning to wonder if I had the right time. I get quite confused with all these time zones.

HELEN:                                  Oh Demeter I'm sorry I'm late. No it was me, not you. I was about to leave the house when one of my neighbours was taken off in an ambulance to the hospital. Suspected heart attack.

DEMETER:                           Oh dear, I do hope she is alright?

HELEN:                                  Actually, yes, she is alright. Her granddaughter phoned me when they got there, and Nana Madeleine is just fine. Indigestion, they thought. Such a relief!

DEMETER:                           Ah, she is an old lady, this Nana Mad-

HELEN:                                  103, would you believe.  But we don't want to lose her just yet.

DEMETER:                           Of course not. Good friends, good neighbours, 

HELEN:                                  Good people!

DEMETER:                           Of course. Good people. It is always hard when they have to leave us.

HELEN:                                  But you don't have that problem, do you? All you immortal beings. It must be different for you?

DEMETER:                           Not really. Take my situation, for example, with Persephone.  Every year she must go to the Underworld to be with Hades. And every year, to me, it is as if she has died. Every year. That is our price, that we pay for being immortal. We have to go through the same grief over and over. We never get used to it. 

HELEN:                                  I see.  I hadn't thought of that.

DEMETER:                           But we are here to talk about life, no?  The new life that your gift of the trees makes it possible for the new houses for the homeless people to live in. What a wonderful idea.

HELEN:                                  Oh thank you. I'm so glad you think so.  I just hope the organisers will stick to the plan, not try to twist it in some way.

DEMETER:                           Well, that is all we can do. Live - in hope. Yes?

HELEN:                                  Yes.  So here is the list, with all the locations. I'm dying to know how you are going to do it?  Will it be like, a whole bunch of trees just spring up, overnight? I can't imagine how astonished they will be.

DEMETER:                           Do you know, why I think it will work if we do it this?

HELEN:                                  Yes please.

DEMETER:                           It is just like your artist, the one who paints those wonderful images on the walls of buildings, telling such powerful stories.  And nobody ever sees him do it.

HELEN:                                  Banksy!! Of course!!

DEMETER:                           Yes. And just as this Banksy has good people who keep him safe. So do you.  No-one 'out there' will know that you made it happen. You have your team, with a structure, so that the councils have to apply to the Trust for access to the free trees, and your friend Mary can follow how they convert the money they have saved in the new homes. So first, the trees, but we know it has worked when we see the homes.

HELEN:                                  That's the idea! Oh!  I just thought... I haven't heard from Hermes for a while, do you know what he's doing now?

DEMETER:                           Oh, he's around. Keeping busy, you know how it is. Being helpful, doing no harm.

HELEN:                                  Like Cyllene? 

DEMETER:                           Ah! Ye-es.  Just like Cyllene. You like her, no?

HELEN:                                  Of course. Very likeable.  Just like Hermes.

DEMETER:                           hm. Very like. 

HELEN:                                  I thought so.

SCENE 2   HELEN’S PHONE

HELEN:                        Hi Susie, how is it going?

SUSIE:                          Hi Gran, how are you?

HELEN:                        I’m absolutely stunningly marvellous, how are you? Where are you?

SUSIE:                          On the train, heading for Calais.

HELEN:                      Lovely.  How’s the tour going?  

SUSIE:                        Oh Gran, it’s been amazing.  I can’t believe we’re halfway through already.  

HELEN:                       Yes. 3 months already eh? Are they into the Goth Folk Rock then?

SUSIE:                            Who?

HELEN:                          The French?

SUSIE:                               Well they seem to be.  The audiences were amazing and so kind.                             We kept being invited to people’s homes for meals. Fabulous food. I’ve put on so much weight.

HELEN:                             How much?

SUSIE:                               At least 2 kilos

HELEN:                            And how tall are you?

SUSIE:                               1.70

HELEN:                            What’s that in real money.

SUSIE:                              5’ 6” . Gran

HELEN:                             Well then that’s not a huge amount of weight.

SUSIE:                               Oh Gran, I have to ask… How is the Trees to Houses campaign going?

HELEN:                             Extremely well, so far. No hitches to speak of. I arranged it with Demeter, all I have to do if long for trees in a particular location, and she makes it happen.  The council is required to build fences round the appropriate  field as if there’s a major building project going on, and the trees spring up over a few days. 

SUSIE:                             And are people noticing?

HELEN:                         There’s a bit of chatter on social media, but nothing on the news outlets as yet.

SUSIE:                          And what about the new homes for the homeless people?

HELEN:                         Well, so far, the councils are doing everything we asked, turning their parks and gardens tree funds over to their housing departments, but there’s a bit of a delay while we set in place a new kind of construction that we’re exploring

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Oh, there’s your father. I have to go. We’re off to have a picnic to discuss this very matter.

SUSIE:                           OK give him my love

HELEN:                        I will.  And mine to Charlie! See you soon!! How Exciting!!!

SCENE 3. 

BBC WORLD SERVICE THE INTERROGATION THEME 

KIRSTEEN:                           Welcome to The Interrogation. I'm Kirsteen Walkman. Each week one challenging news report and an expert witness, with hopefully a degree of understanding at the end. This week's challenging issue is rumour about tiny homes for homeless people, for which various local councils throughout the country seem to have suddenly found the funding. Later, I'll be talking to the Minister for the Environment, the Honourable Mrs Mary Hatfield. But first, with me in the studio today is Ms Moira McGinty, research fellow at the Institute for Local Government Budgeting Oversight.

Now Moira, please, give us an idea of what we are hearing, and whether you think there is any truth in it.

MOIRA:                                  Of course, Kirsteen.  Well, the most likely source for these stories seems to be a secret whistle blower in the local government association, but we have no idea which one. But she seems to have information about how the councils suddenly seem to find the funding to provide these new homes for the people living on the streets in their region.  The planning permission for these new buildings seems to be passing through very quickly, with no particular fanfare, and they also seemed to go up very quickly, in the space of two or three weeks. 

KIRSTEEN:                           But that is unheard of, isn't it?  

MOIRA:                                  Normally, yes.  But in this instance they're using the latest technology in 3d printing, turning plastic waste into tiny homes. It's very economical. Obviously environmentally wonderful. 

KIRSTEEN:                           Plastic waste?  Well!  Wonderful if it's true.  But surely, plastic degrades in the sunshine, so they won't last long.

MOIRA:                                  Oh they've thought of that too. They include carbon fibre and glass fire in with the recycled plastic, as well as a UV stabiliser. I've checked this out with my colleagues in various research institutes, and it all seems to be perfectly kosher

KIRSTEEN:                           And do we have any idea where they suddenly found the money to do this?  Local councils have had so much funding reduced lately, some of them on the verge of bankruptcy.

MOIRA:                                  Indeed. But - and I'm not sure of this - but there could be a connection between these building programmes and the sudden appearance of new growth woodlands in all of these particular council areas. 

KIRSTEEN:                           Now as you know, I'm not a great believer in coincidences. Do you think there is a possibility that someone, or some organisation, is funding these new homes on condition that the councils plant more trees?

MOIRA:                                  It's a possibility.  But it still wouldn't explain how they found the money to purchase the trees?

KIRSTEEN:                           Oh, I see what you mean.  So there is still a conundrum...

MOIRA:                                  Indeed there is.  And - d'you know, Kirsteen.  I'm not bothered, as long as they keep doing it.  Planting trees, and providing homes for people who've been stuck, living on the streets.

KIRSTEEN:                           I couldn't agree more. Perhaps we should just be thankful and leave it at that. 

MOIRA:                                  I'd be ok with that.

KIRSTEEN:                           Hmmmm. Not so sure I would.  And now, welcome to the programme, Mary Hatfield, thank you for waiting...

SCENE 4

Mary on the phone

MARY:                                   Well?  What did you think, Helen. Do you think the programme did it justice?

HELEN:                                  Oh I'm very pleased with it.  I think Moira did a great job of explaining what was happening, and she managed to make the connection between the trees and the new builds without giving anything away.  

MARY:                                   Good.  Although Kirsteen won't leave it at that, of course. 

HELEN:                                  No. I can understand that.  But boy oh boy, I'm just so pleased we finally got it all over the starting line. 

MARY:                                   Well it's just wonderful. Thank you. And Helen?

HELEN:                                  Yes?

MARY:                                   What's next?

HELEN:                                  Next?

MARY:                                   Yes.  What do you have up your sleeve for your next super heroine adventure?

HELEN:                                  Oh Lordy. Maybe sleep for a few months? Would that be allowed?

MARY:                                   I think it would be highly recommended.  Enjoy!

SCENE 5  JANEY ON THE PHONE

JANEY:                                  And did you ever find out who the mystery whistle blower was?

HELEN:                                  I have no proof, but I have extremely strong suspicions. 

JANEY:                                  And?

HELEN:                                  Hermes.

JANEY:                                  Hermes?  But didn't they say it was a woman's voice?

HELEN:                                  Indeed they did.  And don't you remember what a trickster he is?  One minute a lady dog, the next a boy dog? Then his beautiful self, and then a raging hyena at the Gala Dinner? ... well...

JANEY:                                  Well what?  Mum! Don't be a tease.

HELEN:                                  Cyllene!  That was Hermes all along.

JANEY:                                  No!!

HELEN:                                  I was suspicious from the beginning, but as time went on, it was just too obvious.  But you must never, ever, ever let Zeus find out.

JANEY:                                  Why not?

HELEN:                                  Why not? Do you want to be around when the King of the Gods has a massive tantrum because his favourite little boy totally disobeyed him?

JANEY:                                  No, not really.

HELEN:                                  Well then...

END

FLLOYD:                                  And there it is, a great big finale to Season 9. I do hope you enjoyed it. We certainly enjoyed making it and that we in this episode was Wendy Lap as Moira McGinty and me, Flloyd Kennedy as Demeter, Helen, Mary,  and Kirsteen Walkman, with apologies for my croaky voice.  I still have not quite recovered from that horrible cold. The music as usual was provided by John T La Barbera and you can listen to his full catalogue on Spotify. Am I Old Yet? is going on official hiatus for a few months. But I'll be publishing the occasional bonus episode from time to time. 

END 

 FLLOYD                                         Now for the news, Ta DAH! I've written a whole new podcast, eight episodes so far, with a completely new cast of characters lined up to you to get to know. It's called Baked Off! It's a comedy and the first season will be dropping into your podcasting apps in a couple of months. All I have to do first is get it recorded, edited, sound designed and then published. So listen in next week, and I'll tell you what it's about. In the meantime, please don't forget to click the Follow button in your app, or drop a comment on the website AmIoldget.com/reviews. And if you'd like to invest in the production of Season 10 why not join Scott, Jane and Joanna at patreon.com/amIoldyet. There are extra benefits - like the Binge audio, several episodes at a time, without interruptions.  And by the way, those tiny houses 3D printed from plastic waste do exist. There's a link in the show notes. Check it out. Thanks for listening. Stay safe