What Would Helen Do?

WHAT WOULD HELEN DO?

FLLOYD        Thunder's Mouth Theatre Presents... Am I Old Yet, Welcome back.  Here's an extended episode to get us started on Season 11.  Helen has been out shopping, and would like nothing better than to put her feet up and relax with a nice hot coffee. Friends and family, however, are in need of her very specific help and advice. You know how it is... Enjoy

HELEN OPENS THE DOOR, LOCKS THE DOOR  THROWS THE KEYS ON THE TABLE.

JANEY IS SPEAKING ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE.

JANEY::                                 ...so do give me a phone a call when you when you have a moment, Mum, it's something I'd like to ask you.

HELEN:                                  OH, bugger, Right. Phone first? Or Coffee first?  Okay.

HELEN HUMS WHILE DIALING

JANEY'S ANSWERING MACHINE RECORDING         Hello. This is the Alexander household. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEP!

HELEN:                                  Janey, it's me. What do you want?

JANEY PICKS UP

JANEY [SPEAKING ON THE PHONE]:   Oh, Mom, where have you been? I've been calling and calling! I've left several messages.

HELEN:                                  I went to the shops. I had a walk through the park, and I didn't take my phone with me.

JANEY:                                  Why not?

HELEN:                                  Because I forgot to

JANEY:                                  Oh, Mum, but you mustn't!

HELEN:                                  Janey, I'm allowed to forget things. I'm an old woman.

JANEY:                                  But don't talk like that--

HELEN:                                  Don't start that again, right? What is it?

JANEY:                                  What?

HELEN:                                  What do you want?

JANEY:                                  Oh, I just wanted a chat.

HELEN:                                  No, you didn't. Come on. What is it?

JANEY:                                  Oh, well, yes, I need a suggestion. We're having friends over at the weekend, and I want to make something special for dinner on Saturday evening, but not too heavy, because we're going out to the theatre after, and I'm...  I'm just at a loss, and Jon said "What should Helen do?"

HELEN:                                  What would I do? I've no idea. Dinner?  Theatre after? Oh, I don't know, something quick with noodles, not too spicy, one pot thingy... Oh.  I need coffee. I can't think!

JON:                                       [CALLING OUT IN THE BACKGROUND ON JANEY'S PHONE/MIC]]. What was that Malaysian dish she served up last time we were over at here?

HELEN:                                  What was that?  What is Jon saying?

JANEY:                                  He said what about that Malaysian dish, yes! That had noodles

JON:                                       [COMING CLOSER TO THE JANEY'S PHONE] Absolutely delicious. Fair dinkum, Helen!

HELEN:                                  Oh thanks Jon.

JANEY:                                  Yes!  What a good idea. 

HELEN:                                  Ok... What was it. Oh! I know. Wat Tan Hor!!! Yes. Malaysian Street Food. Phil Wang's comfort food. On the Andy Oliver programme. Ok. I'll look it up for you. Soon... Have to remember where I put it.

JANEY:                                  Oh, thank you Mum.  if you wouldn't mind awfully... if you have time, could you just email or message the recipe over to me if you're not too busy!

HELEN:                                  Hmmph.  Yes, right? I'll do that.

JANEY:                                  Good.

HELEN:                                  Okay, good. Love to Jon.

JANEY:                                  She says "Love to you, Jon"

JON:                                       [IN THE BACKGROUND]. Love back from me

HELEN:                                  Lovely. All round lovely.

JANEY:                                  Are you being sarcastic, Mum?

HELEN:                                  Who me?  Whatever made you think that. Don't answer that. It's a--

JANEY:                                  Rhetorical question.  Okay. Let's leave it at that. Bye Mum. Love you.

SHE HANGS UP.

HELEN:                                  I know. Love you too.  God! Where's the bloody kettle? Please. Coffee. Why can't they invent an AI that makes my coffee for me before I know I want it. Seems to be able to decide everything else it thinks I want before I know I want it. As if I wanted --

HELEN'S MOBILE PHONE RINGS,  CAT PURRS AND MIAOWS IN THE BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT

HELEN:                                  Oh what now!! Oh. Ok.  Hi Susie, what's up?

SUSIE                                    [CALLING ON THE PHONE]: Hi, gran. How are you?

HELEN:                                   I'm good, I'm good. What's up?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, nothing's up. What would — why do you think something was up?

HELEN:                                  You sound as if something's up. What's going on? How's Charlie?

SUSIE:                                   Charlie's fine.

HELEN::                                All right, then. So what's going on? What can i do for you?

SUSIE:                                   Well, we were just wondering if... well...

HELEN:                                  Come on, spit it out.

SUSIE:                                   Well, well, we're going on a Demo tomorrow, and I'm not sure what to do about the cat.

HELEN:                                  The what?

SUSIE:                                   We've got a cat, gran. It's kind of adopted us, just moved in a few days ago.

HELEN:                                  Oh... Oh yes, that's right, you did mention it. And I asked you if you were starting a family already?

SUSIE:                                   I suppose it looks like it. But anyway, the thing is, the demo starts at 10 in the morning, in Liverpool, and so we wanted to go up today and stay overnight, and we wondered if you had any idea what we should do with the cat.  Do you think she'd be ok if we left out food and water. It's just one night. What do you think? Charlie said you would know what to do. For the best.

HELEN:                                  [MUTTERING] For the best?  You shouldn't have adopted a cat.

SUSIE:                                   What was that?

HELEN:                                  [SIGH] I said, you probably shouldn't have adopted a cat, if you're going to go off and leave it. Never mind!

SUSIE:                                   I know...

HELEN:                                  No, no, never mind.  Well.  You have three choices. Leave it with plenty of food and water, take it with you, or put it in a cat holiday home overnight.

SUSIE:                                   Riiight...

HELEN:                                  Is it house-trained? Is it clean?

SUSIE:                                   Oh yes. We think it was living with an old lady in the next block who couldn't look after it any more. She must have been forgetting to feed it, so it started looking for a new home.

HELEN:                                  Of course. It had to be an old lady forgetting to feed it.  Well I suppose you could bring it over here for the night, and I could forget to feed it too.

SUSIE:                                   [LAUGHS] Oh no you wouldn't. And you're not--

HELEN:                                  Oh yes I am. And I am perfectly capable of forgetting to feed a cat. But it wouldn't matter, because if you brought the cat here, you would be bringing the food and the litter tray. And the toys.

SUSIE:                                   Toys?

HELEN:                                  Yes, my darling. Cats like to play. Hadn't you noticed?  Or is the cat very elderly too.

SUSIE:                                   Oh no, she seems to be quite young. Not much more than a kitten. And she does leap about a lot. She knocks things about on the floor.

HELEN:                                  Playing.. Oh Lordy. Alright. Bring her over. And don't be long.

SUSIE:                                   Really? Oh Gran!

HELEN:                                  Don't start. And you come here and pick her up AS SOON AS YOU GET BACK.  I don't want to be responsible for the life of another being for any longer than necessary.

SUSIE:                                   We will. Oh Gran.  Thank you so much.

HELEN:                                  And next time, book her into a cat holiday home. Plenty of them around. Google it.  What's the cat's name?

SUSIE:                                   Popsy,

HELEN:                                  Of course it is. Okay... Right! What's the demo for?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, it's the Festival Gardens. The council is trying to sell it off again to developers, and we want to go up and stand in front of the bulldozers.

HELEN:                                  Of course, you do. Although what about the need for more housing?

SUSIE:                                   I know... But the environment has to come first.

HELEN:                                  Hmph.   Okay.. What time are you coming over?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, do we have to give a time?

HELEN:                                  Yes, you do, Susie, I don't just sit around all day waiting for people drop by with stray - I'm sorry, adopted cats.

SUSIE:                                   Oh, I'm so sorry, grandma, I didn't mean, of course, you don't.

HELEN:                                  Look, I'm tired and I'm cranky and I just, I just need a cup of coffee, all right, so I'm going to go make myself a cup of coffee right now, and I'll see you very soon. Bye. Love you.

SHE SINGS WHILE FILLING THE KETTLE

SFX 6) 1:00  FILLS KETTLE, SWITCHES IT ON AND IT BEGINS TO BOIL.

HELEN:                                  If I were a blackbird/I'd whistle and sing/ And I'd follow the ship that my true love sails in /. Bloody good job I'm not a blackbird then.

FOLEY: LOUD KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

HELEN:                                  Ow!  What now.  Gimme a break. Hurry up kettle.

FOLEY: MORE KNOCKING. 

ZEUS:                                    [OUTSIDE THE DOOR]. Helen?  Helen are you there? [URGENTLY ] Helen?

HELEN:                                  Oh alright, I'm coming.

FOLEY: MORE KNOCKING

HELEN:                                  Crikey.  What's the panic?  All right alright already!! I'm coming.  Who is it?

ZEUS:                                    It's me, Helen. I need to speak to you.

HELEN:                                  Lovely. Which me are you referring to?

SFX 7)   SHE   ATTEMPTS TO  OPEN THE  LOCKED DOOR

Oh what?  Where are the damned keys?  Just a minute! Almost there.

ZEUS:                                    Oh thank you so much.  I don't want to trouble you. But I must speak with you.

HELEN:                                  Ah, there you are. Who put you there?

PICKS UP KEYS.

Ok, here we go. 

UNLOCKS DOOR.

Now who the heck - Zeus?  What the-- Come on in. Is Hera with you?

ZEUS:                                    [RUSHING IN, HIGHLY AGITATED] No. Please, please Helen, please lock the door! You mustn't let her in.

HELEN:                                  Who? Hera?  Why not. She's a friend of mine.

ZEUS:                                    Oh yes, I know that. But no, it's not Hera.

HELEN:                                  Who then? Who are hiding from?  What have you been up to?

ZEUS:                                    Nothing! Nothing at all!! It wasn't my fault. Have you locked the door?

HELEN:                                  Oh alright. [LOCKS DOOR]. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable

ZEUS:                                    That is very kind. But there is no time. You have to help me. I don't know what to do!

HELEN:                                  Goodness.  Alright, take a pew.

ZEUS:                                    I'm sorry?  What should I take? A Pill?

HELEN:                                  No, a pew. Oh never mind. Sit down. Calm down. Tell me a story.

ZEUS:                                    Ah. Yes. The story.  Well... It was about 3 week ago, and I was working in the garden, making sure the rose bushes were blooming nicely, so that we had some wonderful flowers for Hera's birthday party, so I was doing the dead-heading - you know, to encourage the new buds to arrive and--

HELEN:                                  No.

ZEUS:                                    No?  Is that not right?  I'm sure that is what Demeter advised me to do. And Monty Don said so on the Gardening programme-

HELEN:                                  No. I mean, don't tell me the whole story, just tell me what you need my help for!

ZEUS:                                    Don't you mean, "for what that you need my help"?

HELEN:                                  What?

ZEUS:                                    You mustn't end a sentence with a preposition. I've been brushing up on my English grammar.

HELEN:                                  What with? Ben Johnson's English Grammar?

ZEUS!:                                   Yes!! You've have learned it too!! But you must have forgotten,

HELEN:                                  No, I have not forgotten. I've just learned better.

ZEUS:                                    But how?

HELEN:                                  That rule applied to the Latin language, and after the Roman invasion anyone who was educated at all was taught the rules of Latin grammar, so they stupidly applied it to English, which is not Latin. It's English. And as Winston Churchill was known to say. "This is something up with which I will not put".

ZEUS.:                                   Oh... So you are saying... Mr Jonson's book is out of date, with modern customs. I thought it was quite recent, only 1640?

HELEN:                                  Exactly! 400 years ago. Please. Let's just get back to - whatever it is you are bothered about.

KEYS IN THE DOOR,

DOOR OPENING.

SUSIE:                                   Hi Gran. Here we are. Oh!

CAT MEWLING

ZEUS:                                    Good afternoon, Susan. Nice to see you. You are well?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, yes! Thank you, Zeus. Nice to see you too.

HELEN:                                  And this, I take it, is Popsy?

SUSIE:                                   Indeed it is. Isn't she gorgeous?

HELEN:                                  Very sweet. Don't you think so, Zeus?

ZEUS:                                    Yes, pretty kitty. Yes.

SUSIE:                                   Well, I'm off, I'll leave you to it.  Her food and water bowls are in the basket. And here's the actual food. Shall I let her out?

HELEN:                                  Might as well.

SUSIE:                                   There you are, Popsy.  Be a good girl for Grandma. Bye!

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

HELEN:                                  Well.  There it is. Oh! Where's the litter tray. Hang on!

MAJOR TRANSFORMATION BEGINNING WITH APATE'S MEEEEOOOUUUWWW

APATE:                                  MeeeEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!  Oh please don't bother, Helen.  I assure you I am extremely well house-trained. Well, hello Zeus! What fun!! Fancy seeing you here!

ZEUS:                                    Oh! Oh dear! Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear --

APATE:                                  Indeed I am, your dear, your very dear ([DESCENDING INTO BABY TALK] little Apa-patie.

HELEN:                                  Who?

ZEUS:                                    No!!! You stay away from me. You- you- you

APATE:                                  Me! me! me! How wonderful.

ZEUS:                                    You cannot be here.  Please Helen. Tell her.  She cannot be here. She has to stay away from me. Many, many miles away. Hera will--

APATE:                                  Yes? Hera will what hmmm?  Hera will do nothing! She can do nothing. You belong to me now.

ZEUS:                                    No. NO!

APATE:                                  Yes! Yes!

ZEUS:                                    No! No! NO!

APATE:                                  Yes! Yes! Yes!--

HELEN:                                  Oh for goodness sake, stop it, the pair of you!  You sound like an old time variety sketch

APATE:                                  Really?  Which one?

HELEN:                                  I don't remember.

APATE:                                  OH but you must!  You were a child of the 60s, Helen. All that 'love', and 'peace' and--

HELEN:                                  I was a child in the 40s, young lady, which makes me very old, and as I keep reminding people, I'm allowed to forget things if I want to. Of course I remember all that love and peace stuff, and what good did it do us? Look at the world now. No! Don't bother. Look at this room. No no no! Yes Yes Yes! Next thing you'll be going "The Whip!"    No, No! Not the Whip!

ZEUS:                                    What is she saying? Can you understand what she is saying, Apate?

APATE:                                  Haven't a clue... Helen?

HELEN:                                  Yes?

APATE:                                  Are you alright?  I didn't want to upset you.

HELEN:                                  Are you kidding me?

APATE:                                  No, not at all. No, I just wanted to have a chat with Zeus, and

ZEUS:                                    A chat? You wanted to have a chat??? You have been harassing me around the whole planet for days, chasing me down, shouting horrible things at me, upsetting Hera--

APATE:                                      I haven't done anything to upset Hera!  I am Apate, the best friend of Hera. Why would I want to upset Hera?

ZEUS:                                    I have no idea. I have no idea what you want, why are you doing this to me? 

APATE:                                  Why?  You are seriously asking me why? Can't you guess?

ZEUS:                                    NO!  I have done nothing to you, Apate, not for a --

APATE:                                  Not for an aeon or two. I know.

ZEUS:                                    Then why?

HELEN:                                  Yes. Why?  What on earth is all this about?

APATE:                                  Oh, Helen!  I was sure you would understand. You are a friend of Hermes, no?  You know what Hermes is like? Such a trickster! Have you forgotten that too?

HELEN:                                  No.  But if you're going to patronise me, I might just call on him, see if he has anything to say about this.

APATE:                                  Oh! But that's not necessary. I know that he would understand entirely.

HELEN:                                  That may be so, however, I would like to understand, even a little bit.

ZEUS:                                    Yes!

HELEN:                                  Why are you tormenting Zeus?

APATE:                                  Not tormenting... teasing... just a little bit

HELEN:                                  But why?

ZEUS:                                    Why???

APATE:                                  Because it's fun!!! [PAUSE]

HELEN:                                  Because it's fun...  You think this is fun...  For whom? Hmm?

ZEUS:                                    That is definitely correct grammar.

HELEN:                                  For whom is this fun? Tell me that!

APATE:                                  For me, of course. And for Hera. 

ZEUS:                                    Hera?  What has she to do with this?  Did she put you up to this? Why would she do that?

APATE:                                  Ha!  You have to ask me that?  And no, she didn't ask me, I thought of it myself. All on my own. Because I know you, Zeus, I know you of old. I know how you like to seduce the mortal women, and I heard of your latest 'relationship' with a mortal woman, and I have been pursuing you to find her, and then to punish--

ZEUS:                                    But you cannot punish Helen. She hasn't done anything.

APATE:                                  Of course not. I can see that now. She is - as she says - an old woman, so I know you have not been seducing her

ZEUS:                                    Really. That's very insulting to Helen!

HELEN:                                  Sure is. But quite amusing too.

ZEUS:                                    Well, I am not amused.  You are a very attractive woman, Helen, it would be an honour to seduce you, if I wanted to seduce anyone. But I don't.

APATE:                                  You don't?

ZEUS:                                    No!  I am a very happy, happily married, very merry god, very good god, and I want to keep it all that way.

APATE:                                  Happily ma-- no. I don't buy it. You have been trying to escape from Hera all your long long life.

ZEUS:                                    Have not!

APATE:                                  Have so! 

ZEIS:                                      Have not!

APATE:                                  Have so!

ZEUS:                                    Not Not Not!!

APATE:                                  So so so!

HELEN:                                  Oh for goodness sake. Would anybody like a cup of coffee?

ZEUS:                                    My dear, dear friend Helen. I thought you would never ask.

HELEN:                                  Good. Right now. Apate, get yourself downstairs, turn left, go to the cafe on the corner, and bring back three coffees? ....  Apate?

APATE:                                  Oh! Yes, of course. What would you like?

HELEN:                                  Skinny flat white for me.

ZEUS:                                    Double shot espresso for me.

HELEN:                                  Ok... Now?  How about now? Do you need some cash?

APATE:                                  Oh!  Oh no no, that won't be necessary. I'll go now. Good. Now... I'm going now...

HELEN:                                  Don't worry. We'll both be here when you get back. We want that coffee!

SHE OPENS THE DOOR. SHUTS IT BEHIND HER.

HELEN:                                  Zeus?  Please sit down. Let's have a little chat, shall we?

ZEUS:                                    Ahem.  Thank you Helen. Yes, most comfortably. Yes, I am very comfortably sitting.  Thank you.

HELEN:                                  Now then. What is this all about? Did Hera send you?

ZEUS:                                    Ah!  You guessed it.  Yes, she did. She knew that Apate was up to some kind of mischief, but she didn't want to confront her, in case it made things worse.  And I was at a complete loss, and then suddenly she said "What would Helen do?"  I said I would not have any idea what Helen would do, but we agreed we should ask you. And so I came here.

HELEN:                                  O. K.  So Apate heard something or other, about you being in contact with mortals again, after all this time, and she just assumed the worst.

ZEUS:                                    Oh yes, but I have changed. Truly, Helen. I have

HELEN:                                  I'm sure you have. But I don't think Apate has. And, as she implied, she is a trickster.  So she has to be tricky. We can't really blame her for that.  It's her job.

ZEUS;:                                   Hmm.  I see what you mean. So what can I do?

HELEN:                                  I propose a truth and reconciliation council meeting.

ZEUS:                                    A what?

HELEN                                   We all meet up. You, me, Hera and Apate. And we explain exactly, as best we can, how we came to meet up. Back in Season 6. OH!  Maybe we should invite Demeter and Artemis too, they can explain how it all came about, And Hermes too--

ZEUS:                                    Oh not Hermes!

HELEN:                                  Why not? I thought he was your favourite?

ZEUS:                                    Maybe when he was much, much younger.  Now, he's such a know-it-all, so full of himself. Such a charmer - as if!

HELEN:                                  Remind you of anyone?

ZEUS:                                    What do you mean?

HELEN:                                  I mean, he sounds very much like a very young Zeus.

ZEUS:                                    Really?  Really???  Was I like that?

HELEN:                                  Uh-huh.

ZEUS:                                    Oh.  I suppose I was, wasn't I? So you think I --

HELEN:                                  I think you should cut him some slack. Hey?

ZEUS:                                    I think you are probably right.  And I think - no! I know, that Hera was right.

HELEN:                                  About what?

ZEUS:                                    When she said, we should ask, What Helen would do?

FLLOYD                                You mean, "What Would Helen Do?"

IRA                                         That's right. What would Helen do?  That's what I thought I said that I thought I meant I said!

FLLOYD                                And that was, as Ira said, "What would Helen Do?"  Episode One of Season 11. The cast was as follows

Helen, Janey, Susan were played by Flloyd Kennedy

Popsy the kitten miaowing, and Apate were played by Frances Broudie Oldridge

Popsy the kitten purring was Chloe the Cat, who is in Dunedin, in New Zealand.

Zeus was played by Ira Seidenstein, who is in Brisbane.

The theme music is from "In The Labyrinth" composed and performed by John T LaBarbera, available on Spotify. And John is in New Jersey, in the States.

Written, produced and sound design by Flloyd Kennedy.

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Ok, that's me. Thanks for listening. Stay safe