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Episode 5 and Helen finds dealing with Greek royalty to be a challenge. She seems to be able to manage her great age rather better than they do. Hashtag Not All Old People...fill in your own cliche. And Nana Madeleine is concerned about the welfare of Mina, the homeless lady.
This weeks episode features Wendy Lap as Hera, Ira Seidenstein as Zeus, Roy Carruthers as Harry (from next door) and Flloyd plays Helen, Nana, Janey and Susan. The theme music is from John T La Barbera's album "In The Labyrinth". And the image for this episode is courtesy of the versatile Wendy Lap.
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INTRO:
Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents: Am I Old Yet?
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This is episode five of Season nine, in which Helen tries to talk some sense into Hera and Zeus. The queen and king of the Greek gods, over coffee and cake. And someone apparently has a taste for bagels. Hmm
Scene 1
RATTLE OF CROCKERY
HELEN: You sure you’ve had enough? I can make more coffee if you’d like—
HERA: Not at all Helen. Thank you so much. That was delicious.
ZEUS: But I would like - [HERA KICKS HIM] —Ow!!
HERA: We would like to talk to you now. Please, sit with us. We will help you to clear up in a little while. Isn’t that right, my darling?
ZEUS: What?… Oh… Of course. Yes. We must talk.
HELEN: Alright. Here I am, sitting quietly. What do you want to talk about?
(ZEUS AND HERA SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER)
ZEUS: (You have to stop)
HERA: (It’s about the superpowers. )
ZEUS: Yes, it’s about the superpowers.
HELEN: Oh! Ok. What about them? Can you take them away from me? Can you just do the things yourself? Change the climate back to normal? Fix the weather?
HERA: (No, we can’ take them back.)
ZEUS: (No, we can’t fix anything ourselves.)
HELEN: Now hold on a minute. Let me get this straight… You can’t take my powers away, and you don’t have superpowers yourself?
ZEUS: Oh, we do have superpowers. But not those ones. We cannot alter the weather. We cannot take away the carbon from the atmosphere.
HELEN: Well that’s a pity. Because neither can I. All I can do, as far as I can make out, is mess with the lives of the people who are making it worse.
HERA: Indeed.
ZEUS: And that is why we are here. You have to stop.
HELEN: What? I’m sorry, what did you say?
ZEUS: You have to stop interfering with what other people are doing.
HELEN: Why?
ZEUS: Because.
HELEN: But why because?
ZEUS: Because I—
HELEN: Don’t you dare say, “Because I say so”. That’s just lazy.
ZEUS: But it’s—
HERA: That’s what I told him. He never listens.
HELEN: Look. Ok. Let’s all just breathe out, ok? OK??
HERA: Do as she says, my love. Breathe out. Look. I’m doing it. Aaaaahhhh.
ZEUS: Aaaaa.
HERA: Not like that! Do it properly. Haaaaaaah. Oh, it feels so good!
ZEUS: Really? What is wrong with you? I’m not going to breathe out. It’s not normal. You don’t breathe out. You breathe in. That - is the proper way to do it.
HERA: Rubbish. You are so stuck in your ways. No sense of adventure.
FOOTSTEPS AS HELEN LEAVES THE ROOM
HELEN: Excuse me?
ZEUS: Adventure? I’m the most adventurous god of all time! You! You sit at home, in the kitchen, doing your cooking,
HERA: To keep you from starving - oh you are so ungrateful -
HELEN WALKS BACK IN BANGING TWO SAUCEPAN LIDS
HERA AND ZEUS EXCLAIM WITH SHOCK.
HELEN: That’s enough. Stop! Stop right there. Wow. What is wrong with you people?
ZEUS: [MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH] Not people…
HELEN: Oh really? Really? Well, believe you me, you are behaving just like people, ordinary, stupid people who don’t listen to each other, who are selfish and thoughtless and, and,
HERA: Immature?
HELEN: And immature! Yes, thank you. So just stop. Tell me, for goodness sake, why you are here. What do you want from me? …. Well?
HERA: Go on!
ZEUS: You tell her.
HERA: What? I don’t know what you want to say to her!!!
SCENE 2
NANA: Jenny? Jenny?? Harry?
HARRY: What is it Nana?
NANA: Oh Harry darling. I was just wondering, do you know if they have fixed the lift yet?
HARRY: No, Sorry Nana. Did you want to go out? I can take you downstairs if you—
NANA: Oh no, I don’t want you to do that Harry. I don’t need to. It’s just…
HARRY: I don’t mind. We can take it slowly.
NANA: No, darling, no. It is not necessary. I was just wondering how Mina is managing. If she managed to get into a shelter yet. You know, the lady on Revenue Road, by the bus stop. And I wanted to give her this old coat of mine, I am never going to wear it again.
HARRY: Well, I can take it down to her, if you like.
NANA: Oh would you? I’d be so grateful.
HARRY: And if she’s not there, I’ll drop the coat round to the shelter. Or would you rather I brought it back?
NANA: No, that would be fine. Someone will make use of it, I’m sure.
MUSIC. SCENE 3
HELEN: Oh. Alright. Settle down. Thank you Hera. Thanks for - being helpful. Now then. …. Let’s try something different…. Zeus. … Zeus?
ZEUS: What!!
HELEN: Now Zeus, that’s not a very nice way to speak. You don’t get to speak to me like that. I am trying to help you, if I can, but I can’t help you if you are going to be rude…. Do you understand?
ZEUS: humph.
HELEN: Do you understand? I need a clear yes, or no.
ZEUS: [MUMBLES] Yes.
HELEN: Pardon? I didn’t quite hear that?
ZEUS: YES!
HELEN: Right then. No need to shout.
ZEUS: Sorry.
HELEN: That’s better. Now then. I understand that you don’t approve of my having superpowers
ZEUS: Oh no, that’s not …
HELEN: Just a moment. I’m speaking here. Do not interrupt.
ZEUS: Oh. Sorry.
HELEN: Thank you. So, as I was saying, you don’t want me to USE my superpowers to try to save humanity from destroying itself. But you won’t do anything yourself to help. Is that correct?
ZEUS: I don’t care if you have superpowers or not.
HELEN: That is not what I said. Please, stay focussed. Listen carefully.
HERA: [SNIGGERS] Good luck with that.
HELEN: And that’s enough cheek from you, young lady.
HERA: [GASP]
HELEN: So tell me, please, pretty please, explain to me exactly what is the problem? Do you want all mortals to become extinct? Is that what this is about? You want the planet back to yourself?
ZEUS: No! No not at all. I like mortals, I love the mortals
HERA: You can say that again.
HELEN: Hera! I’m warning you.
HERA: Sorry!
ZEUS: I don’t want you to be extinct. But interfering with the natural order of things is dangerous. It only leads to unintended consequences and makes it worse!
HELEN: I know that. Which is why I am trying to find a way to be better prepared. To minimise the danger. And you could help me to do that, couldn’t you?
ZEUS: No. It’s just not possible.
HELEN: Why? Why is it not possible?
ZEUS: [SIGH]. Because we know, that the more we interfere with mortals, and the way the mortals live, the more we lose our own powers. So we have learnt that if we want to continue to enjoy our way of life, we have to stay away from you. And Hermes and Demeter and Artemis have interfered with you, with your life, by giving you these powers, and that will make it harder for us.
HERA: You didn’t tell me that!
ZEUS: I don’t tell you everything, my love.
HERA: I know. Idiot.
ZEUS: Don’t call me that.
HELEN: Don’t start up again…
ZEUS: Sorry)
HERA: Sorry)
HELEN: So, what powers have you been losing lately?
ZEUS: Well, it hasn’t happened yet, but it could!
HELEN: Oh. I get it. Ok then. Here’s the deal. I’m going to think about this. And I’ll let you know.
ZEUS: Oh but—
HELEN: That’s my decision. And it’s final. Now, do you want more coffee? Lemon drizzle cake?
HERA: Did you make it yourself?
HELEN: No. I bought it. Do you want some? Yes, or no?
ZEUS: [VERY HUMBLY] Yes please. Thank you.
KEY IN THE FRONT DOOR
SUSIE ENTERS
SUSIE: Hi Gran! I’m here.
HELEN: Susie! Darling, come on through. We’ve got visitors.
SCENE 4
KETTLE BOILING.
FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWNSTAIRS
SUSIE: Morning Gran. Coffee?
HELEN: That would be lovely. What time is it?
SUSIE: Around 9, I think. Did you sleep ok?
HELEN: Must have done. Because here I am, all awake now!
SUSIE: ok. Well your friends have gone out to see if they can find some bagels.
HELEN: Lovely. That’s kind of them.
SUSIE: I thought so. They seem very nice.
HELEN: Oh yes. Nice. Very nice.
SUSIE: But Gran…
HELEN: But Susie…
SUSIE: Well…. I didn’t exactly buy that whole business about, friends from out of town, Hugh, and Laura? Those names didn’t seem to fit them. Know what I mean?
HELEN: Ah. You’re too sharp for your own good. Well… I’m glad you didn’t say anything in front of them. They don’t particularly want anyone to know who they really are.
SUSIE: Anything to do with Hermes? And the rest?
HELEN: Hmmm.
SUSIE: Come on Gran! You might as well tell me. I’ll find out, one way or another!
HELEN: I’m sure you will. OK. So, promise not to freak out, ok?
SUSIE: Promise.
HELEN: Zeus and Hera.
SUSIE: What? Zeus and Hera? Zeus… and Hera… WHAT!!!! ZEUS AND HERA? The actual king and queen of the gods? Oh my lord, I mean oh my goodness, I mean oh jeepers creepers what on earth am I saying? Zeus and Hera! Really?
HELEN: And there you were, promising not to freak out.
SUSIE: But why? I mean, why are they here? In your house? Does Mum know? Did she freak out? I bet she totally freaked out. Totally—
HELEN: No, she doesn’t know. Nobody does, only me, and now you. So settle down, they’ll be back any minute.
SUSIE: Oh but—
HELEN: I mean it, Susie. You’ve got to behave normally, as you did last night. They are just a nice elderly couple who are visiting me from out of town.
SUSIE: Out of town…
HELEN: Yes. Way out of town.
SUSIE: Mt Olympus way out of town.
HELEN: Yes.
SUSIE: Sooooo . The king and queen of the Greek gods of antiquity just dropped by for coffee and cake, and now they are wandering about South London looking for a bagel shop.
HELEN: I know. Bizarre, isn’t it. But they’ll be back any minute, and we don’t want to upset them, do we?
DOOR OPENS
HERA: Hello!
ZEUS: We’re ba-ack. We’ve got bagels!
SUSIE: [COUGHING] : Oh lovely! Well done! Come on through, Coffee’s nearly ready.
HELEN: : Good morning!
HERA: : Yes! Good morning. Here you are, I hope there are enough.
HELEN: : Gosh! This is very generous of you! Thank you.
HERA: : Helen, may I ask you something?
HELEN: Of course.
HERA: : Did you know, there are people who live outside, on the street? They stay there, all the time?
HELEN: : Oh yes, it’s sad, isn’;t it? Quite shocking, really.
HERA: : Hmmm. That’s what I thought. Shocking. And I wonder--
ZEUS: : Hera! Come and sit with me. Don’t keep bothering Helen.
HERA: : What do you mean, bothering her? [SHE MOVES AWAY} I was just asking her a question.
ZEUS: That’s what I mean. Bothering her
HERA: : Oh you... You are bothering me. You know that? You really bother me a lot.
MUSIC. SCENE 5
JANEY'S ON THE PHONE
JANEY: Well frankly, Mum, nothing much surprises me any more. First you meet Demeter, Goddess of the harvest, in the coffee shop, then Artemis Goddess of the Hunt, in the woods, and then her brother Hermes is a dog and then he’s not a dog, and you get to set up a parliamentary committee to address the problem of waste disposal affecting climate change, and then you get that horrible politician sacked, the one who tried to ruin it all.
HELEN: Uh-huh. And your point is?
JANEY: Well, of course, Zeus and Hera, king and queen of the Greek gods are going to turn up on your doorstep, stay overnight, and then bring you bagels for breakfast. What’s so surprising about that?
HELEN: Good. You know, you’re taking this a lot better than your daughter did!
JANEY: Did she freak out?
HELEN: She went ballistic!
JANEY: But she’s alright?
HELEN: Oh yes, she’s fine. She sitting with them now, exchanging thoughts about the Parthenon Marbles, whether they should go back to Greece or not.
JANEY: Aren’t they in favour?
HELEN: Well, Hera is not too keen. Apparently she didn’t approve of the temple being built in the first place. She’s not too fond of all of her step-children.
JANEY: Oh that’s a shame.
HELEN: [LAUGHS] You should tell her.
JANEY: Oh I wouldn’t dream of it.
HELEN: Of course you wouldn’t. So what’s going on with Susie and Charlie? What happened up there in the Lake District that I didn’t notice? I thought they were getting on fine.
JANEY: Me too. But she suddenly decided she wanted to come back to London on her own. Charlie was pretty upset. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell. So I’m afraid I have no idea what came over her.
HELEN: Ok. I’ll see what I can tease out of her. When these two have gone.
JANEY: They’re not staying? And do you know why they came in the first place?
HELEN: They want me to stop - as they put it - interfering with the natural course of things.
JANEY: Oh! And will you?
HELEN: I’m going to think about it.
JANEY: And what happens if you don’t. Don’t stop, I mean? What will they do to you?
HELEN: I honestly don’t know, Janey. But I have a very strong suspicion that there is nothing they can do to me.
JANEY:: But Mum! It’s an awful risk!
HELEN: hmmm Maybe. Maybe not. Just need time, that’s all. No decisions have been made.
JANEY: Oh. Alright then. But let me know, won’t you?
HELEN: Of course I will. Ok, bye, see you later.
JANEY: Bye. Take care. Love you—.
MUSIC
OUTRO
You've been listening to episode five, season nine of Am I Old Yet? And in this week's episode you heard Wendy Lap as Hera, Ira Seidenstein as Zeus, Roy Caruthers as Harry, and everybody else was me, Flloyd Kennedy. So that's Nana and Helen and Janey and Susie. The music is from John T La Barbera's album In the Labyrinth, which is available on Bandcamp. I do hope you'll go and have a listen to some more of his fabulous music over there. Okey dokey. That's it for now. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.
Actor
Born and raised in Liverpool, England, Roy experienced life in a variety of jobs, before he came to acting after graduating from University as a mature student at the age of thirty-eight. Previous theatre credits include: the MI5 agent in ‘By The Waters of Liverpool’ (Empire Theatre, Liverpool), as panto villains Abanazar (Dubai Media City), the Sheriff of Nottingham and King Rat (Gracie Fields Theatre, Rochdale), Tony De Vito in ‘Lennon’s Banjo’ (Epstein Theatre), Victor Franz in Arthur Miller’s ‘The Price’ (Liverpool Unity Theatre), Frank in ‘Ladies Night’, Slater in ‘Funny Money’ and Santa in ‘Night Collar’ (Royal Court Theatre, Liverpool), The Fourth Wall (Old Red Lion, Islington) and Mafioso (Hill Street Theatre, Edinburgh).
On TV he appeared in ‘Longford’ (Granada), ‘Good Cop’ (BBC TV) and as Frank in the Feature Film Sparkle (Magic Light Pictures).
Roy supplied over 50 character voices for 10 unabridged audio books of the Redwall series, by best-selling Liverpool author, Brian Jacques and can often be heard on BBC Radio 4; credits include ‘Cobwebs’ and ‘Brief Lives’, ‘The Sad Story of Jim Thorpe’, ‘William Quilliam: The Sheikh of Liverpool’ and ‘The Strange Case of Oliver Cromwell's Head’ plus two appearances on the Radio 4 show Pick of The Week.
Actor
Ira Seidenstein has worked in over 140 live productions. After working in Cirque du Soleil's Corteo he created such projects as: The Madness of King Lear (Avignon, Edinburgh); The Book of Clown (Adelaide 2017), Commedia Toto (Italy); Cubist Clown Cavalcade (Paris): A Flower of the Lips (Sydney); and directed 18 actors in the uncut Antony & Cleopatra (Sydney). He has worked in 20 Shakespeare productions including 10 of the plays such as directing Henry the Fifth with 12 women; and, 10 adaptations including his comedy A Girl's Guide to Hamlet. In 2012/13 Ira was in Slava's Snowshow in Europe and Australia. As a veteran performer he trained 6 years in Suzuki Actor Training Method and worked in ten Suzuki style productions. He has portrayed over 75 clown characters including: Corteo's White Clown, and, Dead Clown; and playing "Harlequin" over an 8 years span. He trained as an Iyengar yoga teacher, was a tumbling and comic acrobat, mime, slapstick comedian, classical actor, director, playwright, and choreographed over 200 comic sketches and slapstick acts. His Masters Degree is in Visual and Performing Arts and his Doctorate is in Education. Recently he performed for the first time in a full scale ballet as a centraI character actor. Ira Seidenstein's workshops are practical and creative use of body-mind-spirit. The practical base is physical using "The Four Articulations for Performance" (see Method). He is the Founder of ISAAC - International School for Acting And Creativity and personally mentors clowns, teachers, choreogra…
Author, Actor
Flloyd Kennedy (aka Fairy Bessie), Australian-born actress, performance poet, singer-songwriter, director and voice/speech/accent coach, took part in the British folk revival in the late 60s, performed street theatre, cabaret and fringe theatre in Scotland throughout the 1980s and 90s, returned to Australia where she undertook research into the performing voice (specifically Shakespeare) for her doctorate. She has performed, directed, and taught voice and acting skills at colleges and universities in the UK, US and Australia. Now resident in Liverpool, UK, Flloyd tours her one-person versa plays with music around the world, performs her songs and poems at open mics in and around Liverpool. She also coaches student and professional actors, private individuals and community and corporate groups through her private studio Being in Voice. She is artistic director of Thunder’s Mouth Theatre (theatre of poetry, passion and philosophy), a Certified Teacher of Knight-Thompson Speechwork and is an Associate Artist with ISAAC (International School for Acting And Clown), She has now published two collections of poetry, songs and essays, Sunsets & Kites and Home is Where I Hang My Hat. Her songs are available on Bandcamp, as well as all major online streaming services.
Voice Actor and Writer
Wendy is a freelance voiceover artist, performer and writer from Edinburgh.
She has recorded voiceovers, audiobooks, audio dramas and video games that can be heard worldwide.
Wendy writes comedy dramas for stage and audio. She has also penned a self-published book of 'Scottish Sleep Stories'.
Begin at the very beginning, with Episode 1 "Kind Like Sharon". Or pick it up at Season 6, which is the beginning of Helen's life as a Super Hero!
