Trees for Houses

FLLOYD: Thunder’s Mouth Theatre presents Episode 9, Season 9, of “Am I Old Yet?”  Helen’s family have gone to a lot of trouble to ensure that she uses her super powers effectively, and safely.  Now she has help from her friends in high places, both mortal and immortal, and everything is in place to get her plan into action. She’s just coming out of a meeting with the leaders of several large local councils in the north of England, with her friend, Mary Hatfield, Minister for the Environment and Food Production. Take it away, Mary.

SCENE 1.

TRAFFIC 

MARY: Now Helen, are you sure I can’t give you a lift home?

HELEN: Oh no, that’s very kind thanks Mary. No, my son-in-law also has a meeting in town, we’re going to get together for lunch. He’ll drop me back to London later on.

MARY: Ah, and he’s going to help you to set up the trust, as we discussed.

HELEN: Yes, he is.  

MARY: And Helen, I just love that wig, and the glasses.  I did not recognise you at all.

HELEN: That was Cillene, she helped to pick it out. She’s got great taste, I’ll say that much for her. Now,  do you think that meeting went ok?  The council people all seemed very enthusiastic, but was it genuine?

MARY: Oh, I’m pretty confident it was genuine.  They’ll save themselves a lot of time and effort taking up your offer of the free trees, 

HELEN : You’d think!

MARY: And the departments involved with the homeless situation will make very sure they get the extra funding.  

HELEN: That should  become available once those trees are in the ground. 

MARY: Oh yes. It’s just a case of keeping their feet to the fire, so to speak. We’ll need to create a buzz around it. You will let me know as soon as those contracts are signed.

HELEN:: Yes, Jonathan will know how to kick start it. He’s terribly excited. 

MARY :: That’s impressive. In my experience it takes quite a lot to get a banker excited. 

HELEN: We-ell. He’s not your usual banker.

MARY: No, [CAR HORN] I’m sure he isn’t.  Oh, I’d better get going, we’re holding up the traffic.  Stay in touch!

HELEN: Will do.

CAR DOOR OPEN AND SHUT . DRIVES OFF.

SCENE 2 PHONE WITH JANEY

HELEN: We had a lovely lunch. I got to take most of mine home in a doggy box, as usual.

JANEY: What did you have?

HELEN: Sweet and sour chicken with fried rice. Simple, comforting, very yummy.. Hadn’t had it for years.

JANEY: Oh well that’s good. Jonathan said you seemed to enjoy it, but you didn’t eat much.

HELEN: The fact is, I can’t eat a full serving    in one go any more. Just doesn’t suit me. So I need to do it my way, and you lot need to get over it.

JANEY: Oh I’m over it, I know how you eat these days. But Jon was just a bit surprised. Not a problem. And he is absolutely over the moon that you’ve asked him to be involved in getting your tree growing scheme under way. He asked me to tell you that the Trust has had 4 applications already from various local councils, and he’ll give you all the details when you come over at the weekend. 

HELEN: Wow!  That’s impressive. 4 already!  Did they give a time line?

JANEY: Oh sorry. I forgot to say. That’s four, ready to go straight away. 

HELEN: Woohoo! Ok, tell him as soon as I get the locations, and of course when the paperwork is finalised, I’ll get back to Demeter and we’ll make it happen. Hey! [SINGS] I’m so excited!  And I just can’t hide it!

JANEY: Well you’d better hide it somehow, you don’t want to draw attention to yourself at this stage. After all this careful cloak and dagger thing Jon is setting up for you.

HELEN: I know!  Don’t worry. I’ll be the very personification of cool and calm to everyone - except you, of course. You are going to have to put up with more Self Expression. [SINGS} I’m about to lose control and I think I like it!

JANEY: [LAUGHS] Oh Mum.

SCENE 3

INTERCOM CLICKS

MARY: Serena!

SERENA: Yes Minister?

MARY: Isn’t there an LGA conference planned for sometime this year?

SERENA: LGA?

MARY: Local Government Association  

SERENA: Oh yes! Sometime in the middle of the year, I think. Yes! Here it is. Innovation Zone, they’re calling it. 

MARY: Right. Do you think you could get on to them, and see if they’d like me to attend?  Strong hint, if you know what I mean.

SERENA: I do.  I’ll get onto it.  Oh, there was a call from someone at the Beeb while you were out. Shall I call her back for you?

MARY: Yes please.  Do you remember who it was? Please don’t let it be the Today show.

SERENA: No! It was Kirsteen Walkman. The Interrogation programme.

MARY: Oh good. I like her. She’s very direct. No nonsense. 

SCENE 4 TIME PASSING THEME   MUSIC

MARY: Hello?  Mary Hatfield here.

KIRSTEEN: Ah, Minister, Kirsteen Walkman here, thank you so much  for getting back to me.  Sorry to bother you, I’m sure you are terribly busy. Just wanted to run an idea past you, get an update from you, for an episode of The Interrogation.

MARY: Ye-es.  That sounds - mildly terrifying.

KIRSTEEN: Oh, no need, no need at all. We’re thinking of running on the theme of local councils and their budgets for parks and housing. State of the nation, if you know what I mean.  

MARY: Well, I can help you with the parks part, but housing is a different department.

KIRSTEEN: Yes, I realise that. But I thought I’d start with you. 

MARY: Oh. Well, what do you want to know?

KIRSTEEN: What are they doing? What are they building? Are they planting lots of trees these days? The ones who aren’t just cutting them down, willy nilly.  Or Wildflower meadows?  They say they are, but are they?  What do you think?

MARY: What do I think?  

KIRSTEEN: Yes. As Minister for the Environment you must have thoughts about the - eh - connections between the local government and central government programmes? Do you think it’s helping, or is it hindering any work being done by the government towards mitigating the effects of climate change. I’d love to have you on the programme to share your thoughts.

MARY: To be. Honest, Kirsteen, I - oh - may I call you Kirsteen?

KIRSTEEN: I wish you would.

MARY: Thank you. As I say, to be honest, I don’t know precisely what the local government authorities are doing. And I would quite like to. 

KIRSTEEN: Me too. So you think it’s a good idea? 

MARY: For the Interrogation programme?  I think it’s an excellent idea. But… May I ask you a question?

KIRSTEEN: Of course.

MARY: Where did this idea come from?  What was it that made you think of this particular topic, at this time?

KIRSTEEN: Ah…. The thing is, Mary. I can’t tell you.

MARY: Can’t?  Or won’t?

KIRSTEEN: Can’t.  It was an anonymous caller, with a very pronounced accent which I couldn’t quite place.  She just said, why aren’t we looking into it?  And I was short of ideas as the time, so I thought, why not indeed?

MARY: Interesting…

KIRSTEEN: In what way, interesting?

MARY: I had the same call.  She said there were promising developments in the countryside, away from the larger city centres, that I should know about. And I’ve just started looking into what is happening with the local government authorities.

KIRSTEEN: Found anything yet?

MARY: Not yet. 

KIRSTEEN: Perhaps we could get together, share our research?

MARY: Good idea.  I’ll be in touch.

KIRSTEEN: Me too.  Goodbye for now.

CLICK OF PHONES.

MARY: Serena?

SERENA: Yes Minister.

MARY: Doesn’t your pal Robert work in the Department for Housing.

SERENA: You mean Levelling up? 

MARY: Levelling up? Ugh! I hate that expression. So patronising!

SERENA: It sure is.  And yes, he does. In the back room of the ‘backest’ room that they’ve got. 

MARY: Can you arrange for us to have a little chat. Over coffee, somewhere in the north of London perhaps?

SCENE 5

MARY: Helen?

HELEN: Yes, Mary.  What’s up?

MARY: Nothing - well, nothing more than usual, you know.  I just wanted to have a word with you, because there’s something strange going on, and I wondered if you might just have something to do with it?

HELEN: Something strange?  Who me?  [LAUGHS]. What sort of strange?

MARY: I received a call yesterday, from Kirsteen Walkman, you know? BBC World Service programme, The Interrogations, asking me if I knew anything about plans for planting lots of trees and flowers in certain local government areas around the countryside?

HELEN: Really?  That’s odd. 

MARY: It wasn’t you?

HELEN: Not at all.  I’ve been waiting for your go ahead to get anything out in the public domain. Must be someone from one of the councils.  Is it a problem?

MARY: Probably not.  Let’s see, shall we?  I think now that Kirsteen’s team is onto it, we just have to sit back and wait. Everything ok your end?

HELEN: Everything quite hunky dory my end. I’m looking forward to the next developments.

MARY: Good oh.  Well, stay in touch.

END OF EPISODE 9

FLLOYD: That was Episode 9, the penultimate episode of Season 9.  You heard Frankii Phoenix as Serena Narain, and me, Flloyd Kennedy, croaky voice and all, as Helen, Mary, Janey and Kirsteen Walkman.  The music, as usual, is composed and performed by John T La Barbera. Check him out on Spotify.  Now, Season 9 may be drawing to its grand finale, but the work goes on. And you can help, if you’re enjoying listening to this, why not tell someone about it, just one person. And of course, if you click on the Follow button in your podcasting app, that also helps more people to find us. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.