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Susie and Janey are still angsting about Helen's disappearance, while Susie's boyfriend Charlie attempts to inject a smidgeon of common sense - brave man! And then Janey and Helen seems to be vieing for the honour of most tech avoidance in the family.
Christopher McDougall - Charlie, Rene
Flloyd Kennedy - Janey, Susie, Ilse, Helen
SFX
Message Bank beep, buttons clicking and phone ringing, courtesy of Flloyd’s iPhone.
Cafe ambience - recorded by Flloyd at the Sweet Pea Cafe, West Kirby on the Wirral.
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EPISODE 9
SCENE 1
FLLOYD: Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents: Episode 9 of Season 10, in which we find Janey and Susie desperately worried about Helen, while Susie's boyfriend Charlie tries to restrain his instinct to joke about it. Now then, I'm sure I could tell you more, but I think we'll just crack on... Enjoy!
JANEY'S PHONE RINGS
JANEY: Thank you for calling the Alexander household. Please leave a message after the beep. [BEEP]
SUSIE.: Hi Mum. Just wondering if you've heard from Gran since she called from Greece? Oh, and Charlie----
JANEY: Susie? Susie are you there?
SUSIE.: Yes, Mum. I'm here. Have you heard anything?
JANEY : No I haven't. Not a word. And I can't ... I just can't understand why she wouldn't just call me. Wandering around in a strange country on her own--
SUSIE: Well, she's not exactly on her own, Mum. She has the actual Queen of the Gods giving her a guided tour--
JANEY: Oh yes, a totally mythical being, not exactly known for her strongly developed sense of responsibility--
SUSIE: No, but Mum--
JANEY: No! There is no 'but Mum!' Your grandmother is... well, this is just so unlike her. To not be in touch for days on end... I'm sorry Susie, but I'm so worried about her. So thoughtless of her, going to Greece in the middle of a heatwave. All those dreadful wildfires--
SUSIE: I know Mum. We're worried too. We all are. But we have to trust her, too? Don't we? She is a grown up, after all.
JANEY: But she doesn't have her phone with her! If she did, I could track her. I'd know where in the world she is. And I could call her
CHARLIE: [IN THE BACKGROUND]. Maybe that's why she didn't take it with her.
JANEY: What? What was that? What did Charlie say? Is your phone on loud speaker?
SUSIE: Yes it is. And Charlie said--
CHARLIE: [CLOSER TO THE PHONE]. Hi Janey. I just said, maybe that's why she didn't take her phone with her. Maybe she doesn't want to feel she's ... I dunno ... like she's being watched.
JANEY: But I'm not watching her!! That's not what it's about. I just need to know that she's safe.
CHARLIE: Well...
JANEY: Well what? Isn't that a normal thing? To want to know that your loved ones are safe? Don't you want to know that your parents are safe, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Well... yes. But not... well... not all the time.
JANEY: Alright then. But it's different. I suppose your parents are still young enough to know what they are doing.
SUSIE: Mum! Are you saying Gran doesn't know what she's doing?
JANEY: Oh I didn't mean it like that! I just meant, she's not... she's not behaving like a... like a...
SUSIE: Like an adult person?
CHARLIE : [MUTTERS IN THE BACKGROUND] Like a good little girl...
SUSIE: [GIGGLES]
JANEY: What? What did Charlie say?
SUSIE: Nothing.
JANEY: No, it wasn't nothing, Susie. It was something. What did he say?
SUSIE: Oh, he's just being silly. Let's ignore him, maybe he'll go away.
CHARLIE: Maybe I'll go to Greece for a while.
SUSIE: Charlie...
CHARLIE: Or not. Maybe I'll just go and ... check my email.
SUSIE: Good idea.
JANEY: What? What's a good idea?
SUSIE: Mum. You have to stop. There's nothing to be gained by stressing all the time. You'll make yourself ill. You'll make us all ill.
JANEY: I'm sorry, I'm-- I'm just not thinking straight - and I won't be until I know where she is. And when she's coming home!
CHARLIE: [ALMOST OUT OF EARSHOT]. Has she checked her email lately?
SUSIE: Checked her what?
CHARLIE: Email. I think Helen has emailed us all.
SUSIE: Mum, have you checked your email lately?
JANEY: Of course not. You know I hardly ever look at email.
SUSIE: Well, Charlie says Gran has been emailing us all.
JANEY: Why on earth would she do that?
CHARLIE: Perhaps because she can't reach you by phone? I've just checked mine. She says she's tried to phone you several times, but you never pick up.
JANEY: No she hasn't! Of course I would have picked up, if she'd phoned me.
CHARLIE: But Janey, she hasn't got her own phone with her. So she's obviously using someone else's phone, and you wouldn't have known it was her. Have you been getting calls from strange numbers lately? Or "no caller ID".
JANEY: No caller ID? - Oh! Oh dear. Oh yes, there have been quite a few of them. I never answer them! She knows that. Never!!
CHARLIE: Well, she might know that. But still, she might have just hoped that you would pick up.
JANEY: Yes. Yes of course. She hasn't got her own phone. I didn't think of that. Oh dear. I'm sorry. Thank you Charlie. You're quite right, I am an idiot.
CHARLIE: [LAUGHS]. Hang on, I did not say that.
JANEY: No, but I am. So perhaps you should have.
CHARLIE: Not going to happen. You ok now?
JANEY: I wouldn't say that. But at least I now know what I have to do.
SUSIE: What? Mum? What do you have to do?
JANEY: Answer all the calls that come my way.
SUSIE: Or you could just respond to her email. She's obviously checking that!
JANEY: Oh yes. That too. I'll do it now. Thank you darling. Thank you Charlie!
CHARLIE: [HEADING OUT AGAIN]. You're welcome. Bye!
JANEY: Bye you too. Sorry.
SUSIE: Mum!
JANEY: Yes?
SUSIE: Stop apologising.
JANEY: But I am! It's just the truth of the matter. And you can't stop me from saying it.
SUSIE: I guess not! Bye. Love you.
JANEY: Love you.
MUSIC
SCENE 2
CAFE OUTDOORS
ILSE: Helen! How are you? Have you been on holiday?
HELEN: Yes, thanks Ilse, I had the opportunity to get away for a few days.
ILSE: Overseas? Or somewhere local?
HELEN: Very much overseas.
ILSE: Would you like your regular flat white?
HELEN: That would be lovely.
ILSE: Something to eat?
HELEN: No thanks. Just the coffee. Lovely day, isn't it?
ILSE: Indeed. For a change. Rene! Bring Mrs Docherty a skinny flat white please.
RENE: [IN THE BACKGROUND] Sure thing!
ILSE: The weather has been just awful. But it is good to see the sun again.
HELEN: Always good to see the sun. Blue sky. Makes such a difference, doesn't it. When there is so much darkness in the world.
ILSE: I agree. Where was your holiday?
HELEN: Well I had a few days in Greece, and another few days in Brazil.
ILSE: Two very troubled countries. Was it quite safe where you were?
HELEN: I had good protection, never in any danger myself. But oh, the things I saw. Ilse, two countries suffering from the effects of human stupidity.
ILSE: Ah yes, Greece had the awful wildfires, from the heating up of the planet.
HELEN: Yes, and the Amazon rainforest is disappearing at a rate of knots. It's just devastating.
ILSE: So not a relaxing holiday then?
HELEN: Not in the least. But it was an amazing experience. I learnt a lot, got a lot of ammunition for future campaigns.
ILSE: Goodness. Such energy you have.
HELEN: Oh, don't worry, I shan't be doing much myself. Just passing the information on to those who can.
RENE: Here you are, Mrs D. Would you like one of Ilse's brownies?
HELEN: No thanks ... oh what the heck! Yes! Please, Rene. But first, I have a favour to ask.
RENE: Sure.
HELEN: Could I please borrow your phone? I left mine at home.
RENE: Of course. Here you go.
HELEN: Thank you. [PHONE BUTTONS].
JANEY: [ON THE PHONE]. Hello? Is that you Rene?
HELEN: No Janey, it's me.
JANEY: Mum! Mum!!! What are you doing on Rene's phone? Are you home? Where are you?
HELEN: I'm almost home. I'm at the Cheese Shop Care, on my way home.
JANEY: But why didn't you go home first?
HELEN: Because I wanted to see how Mike was getting on, with his pot plants, so I asked Hera to drop me off there, but he wasn't there, so that's why here is where I am. About to enjoy a lovely flat white with one of Ilse's chocolate brownies. And Rene very kindly let me use his phone to call you. Because I thought you would recognise that it was his phone, and you would answer it.
JANEY: But if you went home, you could have used your own phone.
HELEN: And my own phone would have a very flat battery by now. So I thought this would be quicker. And I knew you would be worried, so I wanted to call you sooner, rather than later.
JANEY: But if you plugged your phone in, you could have used it straight away.
HELEN: Ah. You got me there... I didn't think of that.
JANEY: So...
HELEN: So, I'm back. I had a lovely time. Thanks for asking. Would you like to join me this evening? Or lunch tomorrow? I'd love to tell you all about it.
JANEY: Oh. Yes. That would be lovely. I'll see what Jon is doing this evening. Or would you like to come here? I can pick you up.
HELEN: No, I don't want to go out tonight. I just want to have a nice little supper and an early night.
RENE: Here you go, Mrs D.
HELEN: Thanks Rene. Ok, I'll have to go, just come over if you want to. I'll be home in about an hour. Bye for now.
JANEY: Bye Mum. Love you--
HELEN: Here, Rene! Here's your phone. Thanks for that.
RENE: Aw nae bother. Any time.
HELEN: What's new in Rene land? Any nice acting jobs coming up?
RENE: Not at the moment. But I've got some auditions lined up, drama school. See how that goes.
HELEN: Good idea. Get yourself a proper education eh?
RENE: Is that what you call it?
HELEN: No, pulling your leg, young man. [RENE'S PHONE RINGS]
RENE: Oh sorry. Forgot to turn it off. No idea who it is.
HELEN: Go on, answer it.
RENE: Hello? Who? Oh Susie! Yes, sure, she's here. It's for you. It's Susie.
HELEN: Goodness. Word does get around! Hello darling! Yes, I'm back. .. Yes, come on over whenever you like. .. Yes, I'm absolutely fine... Oh really? D'you know, you sound just like your mother...
OUTRO
FLLOYD: That was episode 9, the penultimate episode in Season 10 of Am I Old Yet. You heard Christopher McDougall as Charlie and Rene, and me, Flloyd Kennedy, as Janey, Susie and Ilse. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope you have just a smidgeon of sympathy for Janey. And if you are enjoying the series, please consider making a donation via buymeacoffee.com/amIoldyet, or subscribing at patreon.com/amIoldyet or by joining Fable & Folly Plus, which gives you ad free access the whole podcast. Thanks for listening. Stay safe. And stick around for the epilogue...
EPILOGUE.
HELEN'S PHONE RINGS
HELEN: Hello, yes, it's me, I'm back, who are you?
SUSIE: Gran it's me. Didn't you recognise my number, or even my name?
HELEN: Oh, sorry Susie. I didn't look at it, just picked it up and swiped.
SUSIE: Are you alright?
HELEN: Yes! I'm fine. Just a bit groggy, I haven't been up long. I need coffee. You know what I'm like when I need coffee.
SUSIE: Oh... alright then. Do you want to get some, and I'll call back in about 10 minutes?
HELEN: No, you're right. I'll put you on speaker as I'm doing it.
SUSIE: What's you mean, I'm right? That's an odd kind of accent?
HELEN: Oh hohohohoh. I picked it up from Mike, he says it all the time. I really like it. Y'a'raight?
SUSIE: Ah. Well, that's why I'm calling. It's about Mike's plants.
HELEN: What? They looked fine to me yesterday. Quite lush indeed.
SUSIE: Well that's good. But I've just had a call from a friend who lives over that way, and said she'd seen that Parks ad Gardens fellow, hanging around there. Poking around at the plants.
HELEN: Oh really! Well, that's not good. Ok. Can you meet over there? Give me an hour, I'll get myself sorted, and we'll jolly well get him sorted.
SUSIE: See you there! I'll call around, bring the gang.
HELEN: Excellent.
Christopher McDougall
Christopher graduated from East 15 Acting School in 2018 and has been working in
various sectors of the industry since. He has much previous experience as an actor, as
well as a singer, writer and musical director.
Recent acting credits include Widow Twankey in Aladdin (Beverley Artistes); The
Narrator in Bonny and Read (Novanda Productions, Brighton Fringe/UK Tour); Aladdin
in Aladdin, Dugdale Centre, Enfield; Davie McD/Sam/Tobias Grenfell in Tell Me A Story,
produced by Kibo Productions for Zoom; Squire Bogey (and others) in Jack and the
Beanstalk, with M&M Theatrical Productions; God in It’s Aboot Adam, at last year’s
Edinburgh Fringe; Various characters in The Sherlock Holmes Experience, at Madame
Tussaud’s, London; and Fairy G/Sugar Plum in Bad Cinderella, at the Cockpit Theatre, in
December 2018.
In April 2021, alongside fellow producer Mark Hunter, he co-wrote, co-directed and
was Musical Director on Robin Hood: A Virtual Pantomime, which took place on Zoom,
and was very well received – they currently looking to revive it this year.
Christopher has also written a new musical – Star Streaker: The Musical – which he
hopes to revive in the not so distant future.
Find out more about what Christopher is doing at www.christophermcdougall.co.uk
Author, Actor
Flloyd Kennedy (aka Fairy Bessie), Australian-born actress, performance poet, singer-songwriter, director and voice/speech/accent coach, took part in the British folk revival in the late 60s, performed street theatre, cabaret and fringe theatre in Scotland throughout the 1980s and 90s, returned to Australia where she undertook research into the performing voice (specifically Shakespeare) for her doctorate. She has performed, directed, and taught voice and acting skills at colleges and universities in the UK, US and Australia. Now resident in Liverpool, UK, Flloyd tours her one-person versa plays with music around the world, performs her songs and poems at open mics in and around Liverpool. She also coaches student and professional actors, private individuals and community and corporate groups through her private studio Being in Voice. She is artistic director of Thunder’s Mouth Theatre (theatre of poetry, passion and philosophy), a Certified Teacher of Knight-Thompson Speechwork and is an Associate Artist with ISAAC (International School for Acting And Clown), She has now published two collections of poetry, songs and essays, Sunsets & Kites and Home is Where I Hang My Hat. Her songs are available on Bandcamp, as well as all major online streaming services.
Begin at the very beginning, with Episode 1 "Kind Like Sharon". Or pick it up at Season 6, which is the beginning of Helen's life as a Super Hero!
