Talking, Walking, Sorting

EPISODE 6 Talking, Walking, Sorting

EXCERPT: 
HELEN:                                  Susie!

SUSIE:                                   [FROM UPSTAIRS] Yes Gran?

HELEN:                                  I'm just going out for a walk.  Won't be long.

SUSIE:                                   Oh.  What kind of a walk?

HELEN:                                  A thinking walk.  Through the park. Maybe several times.

SUSIE:                                   Can I come?

HELEN:                                  Do you have thinking to do?

SUSIE:                                   I do. 

HELEN:                                  And talking?

SUSIE:                                   hmm. Maybe a little bit.  But not if you don't want to.

HELEN:                                  Come on.  

SUSIE:                                   [SCRABBLING DOWN THE STAIRS] Oh thank you.  I won't be too noisy, I promise.

narrator: (Flloyd) Thunder's mouth theatre presents: Am I Old Yet? audio fiction comedy with a difference. And believe it or not, we've just entered Year 4 of this podcast. Who would have believed it? So I just want to say a huge thank you to all the loyal listeners who've joined in the fun along the way. You make it all worthwhile. 

And if you do have a moment to spare, it would be just so helpful if you could either rate and review it in your favourite podcasting app, or drop a line over at https://amyoldyet.com/reviews. You can comment. Tell us what you like, what you don't like. Are the episodes too short, too long? Would you like more of Helen and less of the gods or the other way around? Just say the word and we'll make it happen.  

And here we are in season nine, episode six, listening or watching somebody's favourite breakfast TV show.

SCENE 1

TV MORNING SHOW JINGLE

KYRANE:.                             And now for something completely different. 

TUNDE (CAMERA OPERATOR): [SNIGGERS]

KYRANE:                              What?  Is that funny?  I haven't said what it is yet?

SACHELLE :                         Ah Kyrane, when you know, you know.

KYRANE:                              Oh. It's one of those generation things, isn't it?

SACHELLE:                          Probably.  Because I'm obviously so much older than you, Kyrane. So what is this completely different thing?

KYRANE:                              Well! Well, this story has just come in. You're not gonna believe it, I swear!

SACHELLE:                          Alright, I won't then.

KYRANE:                              No but seriously!  It's amazing.  Apparently, this woman swears it, she was sat on the No 62 bus in South London, next to Zeus!

TUNDE:                                 Soos?

KYRANE:                              No, silly.  Zeus!  You know...?  Zeus, the king of the gods!

SACHELLE:                          King of the gods? What gods?

KYRANE:                              The Greek gods?

SACHELLE:                          Never heard of him.

KYRANE:                              Oh, and there's me thinking you are so much older than me, and so wise and all knowing, and here's me, knowing something you don't know.

SACHELLE:                          Kyrane!!!  I don't think our viewers are going to appreciate your deeply offensive, patronising attitude?  Especially our older and wiser viewers!

KYRANE:                              Oh darling!  Don't get your rompers in a twist. I was joking!!  Our viewers know what a joker I am.  Don't you?

SACHELLE:                          Really?  And we'd just love you to pick up the phone, and call our number, oh! There is is on the screen, you can call it right now, and tell Kyrane just how incredibly amusing he is. Please do! Call now.

KYRANE:                              But in the meantime, here's local reporter, Josie Harkins, with the story.

JOSIE:                                   This is a most unusual event, I'm so pleased to be here with - er Miss? Or is it Mrs? Frogs-home?

DARLENE:                            Mrs, thank you very much. And it's Frogsh'm.  And this is my husband, Eric. Mr Eric Frogsh'm.

JOSIE:                                   Thank you, Mrs Frogs-home. 

DARLENE:                            FROGSHUM. It's Frogsh'm!

JOSIE:                                   Of course. Now, you were just sitting on the bus, and you realised that the man next to you, was the King of the Greek Gods, 

DARLENE:                            Zeus.  Yes, that was his name.  And his wife was there too, Hera.  She's the Queen of the Gods, of course.

JOSIE:                                   Right. Hmmm. And er - they told this, did they?  They said, hey, we are Zeus and Hera, King and Queen of the Gods.  Did they say where they were going?  Why they were travelling by bus?

ERIC:                                     They spoke to each other. Very loud voices. We could hear them, speaking their names. Very unusual names, aren't they?

JOSIE:                                   Yes. Very unusual.

SACHELLE:                          [SHE'S GOT THE GIGGLES] So there we are. Frogs-home...[CAN'T STOP GIGGLING]

TUNDE:                                 [ALSO GOT THE GIGGLES]

KYRANE:                              What is it? What's so funny.

SACHELLE:                          Sorry. Nothing.  Greek Gods catching buses these days. Stop it, Tunde! Ahem!  I'm so sorry everybody.  

KYRANE:                              Just read the autocue!

SACHELLE:                          Of course.  Well! I did hear that the Global Financial Crisis hit places like Greece particularly hard. [SHE AND TUNDE STILL HAVE THE GIGGLES]

KYRANE:                              And now, for the weather.

JINGLE SCENE 2

HELEN:                                  Susie!

SUSIE:                                   [FROM UPSTAIRS] Yes Gran?

HELEN:                                  I'm just going out for a walk.  Won't be long.

SUSIE:                                   Oh.  What kind of a walk?

HELEN:                                  A thinking walk.  Through the park. Maybe several times.

SUSIE:                                   Can I come?

HELEN:                                  Do you have thinking to do?

SUSIE:                                   I do. 

HELEN:                                  And talking?

SUSIE:                                   hmm. Maybe a little bit.  But not if you don't want to.

HELEN:                                  Come on.  

SUSIE:                                   [SCRABBLING DOWN THE STAIRS] Oh thank you.  I won't be too noisy, I promise.

MUSIC INTO PARK SOUNDS. WALKING.

SCENE 3

HELEN:                                  Alright, out with it.

SUSIE:                                   What?

HELEN:                                  Whatever it is that's bothering you.  Have you had a bust up with Charlie?

SUSIE:                                   Nnnoooo.  And yes. Kind of.

HELEN:                                  Please explain.

SUSIE:                                   Well, I said something that I thought was quite innocuous, but he thought I was having a go at him.

HELEN:                                  And were you?

SUSIE:                                   No!!!

HELEN:                                  Not even a little bit?  A tiny little bit of a go, that you thought was just a hint of a go, but he saw straight through you?

SUSIE:                                   Oh...  Possibly. 

HELEN:                                  Ok.... So what did you say?

SUSIE:                                   I just said that one of the things that I admired about Hermes, was that he seems to be able to learn from his mistakes.

HELEN:                                  Uh-Oh...

SUSIE:                                   Yes.   And Charlie jumped to the conclusion that I was comparing him to Hermes, a Greek God

HELEN:                                  Who has had eternity to consider the error of his ways, whereas Charlie has had, what? 25 years?

SUSIE:                                   Well, yes, but I wasn't actually comparing them. I was just making an observation. 

HELEN:                                  And what was the context of this 'observation'?  What were you talking about, at the time?

SUSIE:                                   Well, Charlie was saying that he might give up the Music degree that he's in the middle of, and go touring with the band again.

HELEN:                                  Right... And then you say, or imply, that he hasn't learnt anything from past experience.

SUSIE:                                   Sort of.  And he just went totally overboard, over-reacted, but I wasn't really - I mean, I didn't mean it that way. I just thought he might think about it...

HELEN:                                  Of course you did. And now you realise that you DID actually mean it that way, even though you didn't think you did at the time.

SUSIE:                                   Well... I suppose so. 

HELEN:                                  Good.

SUSIE:                                   How is that good?

HELEN:                                  Because you can now call him up, and apologise for being so thoughtless, and ask him if you can please just talk about it. And of course, whatever he decides, you will support him.... Yes?  Or No?

SUSIE:                                   Yes.  Yes of course.  [laughs ruefully] Phew.  Glad we got that sorted.  Thanks Gran.

HELEN:                                  You're welcome.

MORE WALKING AND BIRDSONG AND TRAFFIC.

SUSIE:                                   And how about you?  How is your walking and thinking working out for you?  Did you come up with anything?

HELEN:                                  I think I have.  

SUSIE:                                   May I ask what?

HELEN:                                  Yes. You may.   

SUSIE:                                   And?

HELEN:                                  It's to do with my overnight visitors.

SUSIE:                                   Zeus and Hera?  They want you to stop using any super powers, don't they?

HELEN:                                  Yes. 

SUSIE:                                   And will you?  Will you stop?

HELEN:                                  No.  No I shan't.  I am more determined than ever to do whatever I can to help my species to survive, and thrive, if it can do, without adding to the destruction it has caused already.

SUSIE:                                   And?

HELEN:                                  Remember that trip we took up to Cambridge?  Dr Shrodinger?

SUSIE:                                   Of course. Oh, he's going to provide you with the data?  Guide you on the way?

HELEN:                                  Not exactly.

SUSIE:                                   What then?  

HELEN:                                  The thing is, my idea is more related to - well, trees and things. Which is where my talents lie - apparently. Thanks to Demeter.

SUSIE:                                   Oh, so you are going to make more trees grow, and they will help to soak up the CO2, and we'll all be saved.

HELEN:                                  Nooo!  Don't be silly. 

SUSIE:                                   Well what then?

HELEN:                                  I am going to provide, make more trees grow, but only in places where they are actually needed, and only under certain conditions.

SUSIE:                                   Ye-es...?

HELEN:                                  I'm going to use my power to use the extra trees to provide housing for the homeless!

SUSIE:                                   Oh!  You're going to grow forests to supply the wood to build houses!! Well that's great!

HELEN:                                  Not exactly...

SUSIE:                                   But what has this got to do with Dr Shrodinger? He's not a tree expert too, is he?

HELEN:                                  Now calm down. Let's take a break, here's a handy bench, I wonder where that came from!  Never mind, sit down, and I'll explain....  No, Calumn is a weather man. Not a tree expert. And I don't need a tree expert, I already have one. Demeter. Right?

SUSIE:                                   Of course. So what--

HELEN:                                  He has a daughter, Moira.  She knows all about how local councils budget for their tree planting campaigns, or not, as the case may be. Coz they don't all HAVE the budget for tree planting campaigns.  So, my plan is, I will offer to provide the trees, and the money they save can be put towards their housing programmes for getting people off the streets into safe and lovely homes. The trees, therefore, will be providing the homes. 

SUSIE:                                   Oh Gran. Wow.  That's brilliant! Truly social housing!

HELEN:                                  I think so.  So far.  So that's what I'm working on. And I'm just waiting for the downside - you know - those unintended consequences, to show up. 

SCENE 4

MUZAK. WE ARE AT THE DENTIST'S

CATRIONA:                          Next please!  Yes, can I help you?  Oh, hi Mrs Doherty!.  You're here for Dr Sing?

HELEN:                                  I am. 

CATRIONA:                          Well, just take a seat. He won't be long. Oh, Mrs Docherty!

HELEN :                                Yes?

CATRIONA:                          Remember how you told me about that podcast? The Somewhere on Earth one about technology and stuff?

 :HELEN:                               Certainly do.  Did you listen to it?

CATRIONA:                          I did. And I'm a follower now.  Thanks for the tip. 

 HELEN :                               And have you been following anything else?

CATRIONA:                          Oh yes. There such a funny one, it's like a send up - well, not really, more a - a - what do you call it? When you kind of honour something by not quite copying it, but--

HELEN :                                An 'omage? Or a homage, if you like.

CATRIONA:                          That's it!  It's like a homage to Richard Osman's Thursday Murder Club books. 

HELEN :                                Oh yes. Do they interview him?

CATRIONA:                          Oh no. It's a made up story, about an old lady who does murder investigations with her friends, but she fools her suspect by telling him she's trying to write a book just like Richard Osman, and she's looking for characters. So she gets him to - oh, I mustn't give you any spoilers. I'm sure you'd enjoy it too.

HELEN :                                And it's called?

CATRIONA:                          The Richard Osman Fan Club.

HELEN:                                  Of course it is.  Ok, I'll check it out. Thanks for the tip!

CATRIONA:                          Wendy Lap.  That's the woman who wrote it. She's Scottish, you know.

HELEN :                                Wendy Lap...  Now why does that sound familiar?

CATRIONA:                          Well she's actually a voice actor too. You can hear her on lots of podcasts.  But you'd never know, because she sounds so different every time. Isn't it amazing, what some people can do with their voices. 

HELEN :                                Yes.  Amazing.  Who knew?

MUSIC  SCENE 5

PHONE MESSAGING

MESSAGE VOICE:              You have one new message. Message received at 08:30 pm. From 0121 345345345 

HELEN:                                  [TALKING LOUDLY OVER THE NUMBERS] Oh get on with it. I don't need to know that! Come on!

JANEY:                                  Hi Mum, are you out somewhere?  Hope you're having fun.  And keeping warm. Our heating went on the blink a while ago, Jon managed to get it back on. We really need to get it sorted properly. But you know what he's like, The Man Who Knows How to Fix Things

HELEN:                                  Really?

JANEY:                                  So, Susie dropped by this evening to pick up some things. She's heading back to stay at Charlie's place. Just thought you would like to know. I still have no idea what's going on with them, perhaps you have a tiny clue?  That you could share with me, her actual mother?  Soon?  I do worry, you know.  Probably shouldn't, but I just can't help it. Call me when you get in.  Or  - no, it'll be late. I'll call again tomorrow. Good night Mum.

HELEN:                                  Right, young lady. What is going on? Indeed?

PHONE NOISES. 

SUSIE:                                   Sorry, nobody here just now. Please leave a message after the beep.

BEEP

HELEN:                                  Susie, darling!  This is your Grandmother speaking.  Hi Charlie!  I want you both to come to lunch on Sunday.  See you around   1 pm.  Bye.

NARRATOR: And there we have it, episode six. This week's cast included Roy Carruthers as Kyrain and Wendy Lapp as Sachelle, the Brecky show cohosts, and Tayo Aluko as Tundi, the camera operator. Local reporter Josie Harkins was played by Frances Brody Aldridge, with Sarah Golding as Mrs. Darlene Frogsham and Roy Carruthers as Mr. Eric Frogsham. Helen, Janey, Susie, and Catrinoa, the dental receptionist, were played by me. 

The theme music, as usual, from John. T. La Barbera's album in the Labyrinth. Don't get this cold. It's a horrible thing. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.