S8 E2 Friends in High Places

SEASON 8 EPISODE 2 'FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES'

HELEN:                                   Rene? You up? Rene?  How’re you doing up there? Haven't you got that audition today? René?

RENE:                                     Oh, Hi Mrs. D. Yeah, I'm up. 

HELEN                                    You ok?

RENE                                      Yeah I’m fine.

HELEN                                    Oh. Right. I’m still getting used to your new grown up voice.

RENE                                      Really.

HELEN:                                   What time is your audition? 

RENE:                                     Two o'clock. 

HELEN:                                   Oh well.  How about I buy you lunch before you head off? How does that grab you? 

RENE:                                     Ah yes, sounds like a plan. Only-- I am going to buy you lunch.

HELEN:                                   Oh really? What! have you won the lottery or something? 

RENE:                                     Yeah.

HELEN                                    Wha—?

RENE                                      I just got my allowance from dad. And he said, I have to take you out for a meal.

HELEN:                                   Right! Well. Lunch is a meal.  I'm up for that. That's very kind. Please thank your dad for me. 

RENE:                                     I will. 

HELEN:                                   Okay, so what --10 minutes? 

RENE:                                     Yeah, sure. Maybe even less!

HELEN:                                   That would be impressive.                        [MUSIC]

[SOUND OF  WIND AND HEAVY WINGS, DISTANT SEAGULS]         

SEFFI (PERSEPHONE)                                     Mama! Slow down, please.

DEMETER:                              Why?  I'm having fun. It's been so long since I could move around so freely. What's wrong with you?

SEFFI:                                     I'm worried. Mama, I'm concerned! I want to talk to you.

DEMETER:                              Oh alright then. [WIND DIES DOWN A LITTLE]. 

SEFFI:                                     Thank you.

DEMETER:                              What is the problem? Oh! And where is Hades?  Eh?  Your beloved husband.  I thought he was coming with us?

SEFFI:                                     He was. But you must have seen, at the Gala dinner.  After Helen went off with Artemis and Hermes.  That politician fellow--

DEMETER:                              You mean the Right Honourable, what was it Helen called him? The minister for talking garbage?  Oh, that was so good!

SEFFI:                                     Yes. Him.  Well, he came up to us and he took Hades  away so that I couldn't hear what they were saying. And they talked for quite a time. And when I asked Hades about it, he said it was just boring stuff and he couldn't be bothered repeating it.

DEMETER:                              Well I can believe that. You heard his speech! It was mind-numbing. So what is the problem.

SEFFI:                                     The problem is, Hades has been going out at regular intervals, and I believe he has been meeting up with that Minister for Talking Garbage.  And now Hermes has disappeared too.

DEMETER:                              Hermes doesn't disappear. He just goes off to be on his own from time to time. You know that.

SEFFI:                                     Yes I know. But this time, I think it's different.  I'm worried that they are up to something. That they might want to interfere with Helen's plan.

DEMETER:                              Not Hermes!

SEFFI:                                     hmm. Maybe not. But don't you think we should warn Helen?

DEMETER:                              Ah. Perhaps.  Yes. We should do that.  Thank you darling.  Now come on.....                                                                  [WIND AND WINGS, FADING AWAY. MUSIC]

[WALKING THROUGH THE PARK]

RENE:                                     Nearly there, Mrs D.

HELEN:                                   Indeed we are.  And I'm good and ready for this splendid meal you are offering me.

RENE:                                     Me too. Starving.

HELEN:                                   Of course you are. You're a teenager. It's your job.

RENE:                                     Oh... Have I been eating too much? I'm  sorry Mrs D, I didn't mean to...

HELEN:                                   Not at all, Rene.  I'm enjoying not having to throw out food I can't eat in time before it goes off. 

RENE:                                     Oh. Okay. 

HELEN:                                   And tell me, how are you getting to the audition?   You walking? 

RENE:                                     I'm gonna take an Uber over there.

HELEN:                                   Goodness. Isn't that going to eat into your allowance if you keep taking Ubers? 

 RENE:                                    It's not coming out of my allowance NAW! Uncle Gary's put me onto his account. Family account. 

HELEN:                                   Well now, that's excellent. Your favourite uncle eh? 

RENE:                                     er-uh...

HELEN:                                   What do you mean "er-uh"?

RENE:                                     He's my only uncle.

HELEN:                                   If he's your only uncle he has to be your favourite uncle. There's no getting around it.

RENE:                                     Oh aye... He is though.

HELEN:                                   What?

RENE:                                     Ma favourite uncle.  

HELEN:                                   Good. Okay. All right. So do you want to sit inside or out? 

RENE:                                     Out. Oh, if you can cope? It's not too cold for you?

HELEN:                                   No, no, it's nice. Fresh air. I like it. 

RENE:                                     Okay, I'll go-- I'm just heading to the bathroom 

HELEN:                                   [TO HERSELF] and I don't think I could walk a step farther...                                                                                                    [MOVES CHAIR AND SITS]

NEW GIRL:                             Hello. Can I take your order?

HELEN:                                   What?

NEW GIRL:                             or do you want to wait for your carer to come back?

HELEN:                                   My what?

NEW GIRL:                             Your carer?  No? The young man, right?  

HELEN:                                   Oh!  Right.  My carer. Okay, I'll wait till he comes back. Thank you...  

NEW GIRL:                             Not at all.

HELEN:                                   My carer. Good grief.  

ILSE:                                       Hello, Mrs Docherty. We haven't seen you for a while. 

HELEN:                                   Oh, Hi Ilse. I see you've got a new waitress. 

ILSE:                                       Yes. She's very young and enthusiastic. 

HELEN:                                   Indeed. Yes... Is that that you call it?

ILSE:                                       Is everything alright Did she say something? 

HELEN:                                   Well, she just assumed that Rene was my carer. Do I really look that frail? 

ILSE:                                       Oh my goodness me. No, not at all. 

HELEN:                                   But she is very young. 

ILSE:                                       Oh, yes. It's her first job. That one. Yes. I'm so sorry. I'll have a word with her.

HELEN:                                   Oh no, Ilse, don't. You don't need to do that.  I really shouldn't be so sensitive. Let's face it, Ilse. I am old.

ILSE:                                       Oh not at all. You have a very young--

HELEN:                                   Ilse. Stop right there. You're kind, and I do understand the difference between young at heart, and old in the body. There's no getting away from biology!

ILSE:                                       But you know, you strike me as a woman of great energy. [LAUGHS] You know who you remind me of?

HELEN:                                   No?

ILSE:                                       That woman on the tv. The one who does the miracles with her breath. Blowing the litter away, did you see where she blew the security guards away at that big event, where she made all those important people sit and listen while she told them they have to clean up all the litter? It was amazing.

HELEN:                                   Uh - yes... Wasn't it just?

ILSE:                                       Yes. It was so impressive. She must be about your age, even though she looked so glamorous on the tv.

HELEN:                                   Yes, she did, didn't she.  Great hair do.

ILSE:                                       Is that why you had yours cut?  To be like her?

HELEN:                                   [LAUGHS]  Pure coincidence, Ilse.  Must be something we just do when we hit our 79th birthday. I know you've got a way to go, but you should look out for it.

ILSE:                                       Oh I shall.  Maybe I don't even wait so long. Oh here's Rene. (Your carer!)                                                               

[POWERFUL THREATENING MUSIC]

JONAS:                                  Hello?  Minister of State for the Environment and Food Production here. Jonas Scillily. Who am I speaking to?

SERENA [ON THE INTERCOM]:                               It's Serena, Minister. Your secretary.

JONAS:                                  Ah Serena! Lovely Serena.  I left a message yesterday asking for someone to pick up some opera tickets for me?

SERENA:                               Yes Minister, I picked them up on my way home last night.

JONAS:                                  And did you have to pay for them?

SERENA:                               No, they said it had all been arranged.

JONAS:                                  Good. That's good. Now will you please let my wife know what time it starts, and how long it will take to get there, do you know how to do that?  Goggley, Googley maps thingy? 

SERENA:                               I think I can manage that.

JONAS:                                  Just as long as she can be sure to leave the house in good time.  I don't want to be hanging around waiting for her.

SERENA:                               Of course, Mr Scilly -ily.

JONAS:                                  Oh for goodness sake, Serena, call me Jonas.  

SERENA:                               Of course Mr Sill... Jonas. Sorry.

JONAS:                                  Good. That's better.  Now, do I have any more appointments today?  

SERENA:                               There's an emergency cabinet meeting at 4 pm. 

JONAS:                                  A What!!!

SERENA:                               The PM said it wouldn't take long though.

JONAS:                                  Ah. Good... Well, I'm going out just now, I'll be back in time for that.  And then I'm going for a meal with Cedric and Ari, so I'll be in good time for the opera after that.

SERENA:                               And don't forget the Clean Up Working party session tomorrow... Oh! Of course!  That's why you are meeting up with directors of Regal Shale and X Y MoBOil tonight?

JONAS:                                  What? No!  Of course not. We're old friends, that's all. Prep School.  So that meeting is tomorrow is it? How could I forget? What time is it again?

SERENA:                               8:30.

JONAS:                                  Oh for heaven's sake. Ridiculous.  How am I supposed to get there from Hampshire at that time of the day? Don't these people know what the traffic is like?

SERENA:                               I'm sorry Mr Silly--sorry--Jonas.  It's the only time everyone is available.

JONAS:                                  Nobody asked me if I was available!  I would never have said I was available at that time!

SERENA:                               Oh I am so sorry -

JONAS:                                  And do stop apologising!  Do you have any idea how irritating that is?  

SERENA:                               Yes sir.  

JONAS:                                  Yes it's beyond irritating - you do?

SERENA:                               Oh yes, I really do.

JONAS:                                  Good... Well... don't do it again.

SERENA:                               [MUTTERS] I wouldn't even dream of it.

JONAS:                                  What?

SERENA:                               I said, have a lovely EVENING, Minister!

JONAS:                                  Oh. Yes of course...                                         

END OF EPISODE