Who's the Radical Here?

EPISODE 5

WHO'S THE RADICAL HERE?

FLLOYD:                               Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents: "Who's the Radical Here?" In which Helen tries to figure out what is going on with Susie. If Susie thinks her new best friend Kiara, the climate change evangelist, is so great, what exactly is her problem?  And is she alone in having doubts? Helen and Kiara's mother sit her down for a jolly good chat in a nearby cafe. Enjoy

SCENE 1

SUSIE, HELEN AND MARY O"LEARY

MARY:                                   Now Susan, how's that charming young man of yours, I can't remember his name. Forgive me, please. I don't remember people's names at all these days. I'm not sure I ever did.

SUSIE:                                   Ah, Charlie, yes, he's great. Thank you.

MARY:                                   I don't see him coming to the meetings.

SUSIE:                                   No, he's very busy. There's nothing much... well he's full time teaching, you know,

HELEN:                                  oh, he's not on tour then?

SUSIE:                                   No, he, he only goes playing in between, you know, in the holidays.

MARY:                                   Oh good, that's terribly sensible of him. You're a very lucky, girl. Or maybe it wasn't luck, maybe it was charm.

SUSIE:                                   I don't know about that. I am lucky. He's... He's wonderful.

MARY:                                   And you love him.

SUSIE:                                   Love him to bits.

MARY:                                   And how about you? Helen, is it? Yes? How do you get on with Charlie?

HELEN:                                  Oh, I think he's great, yeah, but that's just my opinion. So what's it like to have a daughter who's a big star, your Kiara!  Must be exciting.

MARY:                                   Exciting is not quite the word that I would use for it. What do you think? Susan?

HELEN:                                  Yes. Susan, what do you think? You've been quite mysterious about her. Are you having doubts?

SUSIE:                                   Well, I have... I have... I have great admiration for Kiara. I think she's absolutely a wonderful human being. And... She's been incredibly kind to me the last few months.

MARY :                                  Yes, she has, hasn't she? And have you signed the pledge? Or are you going to sign it? You don't need to tell me of course--

HELEN:                                  No, but I'd like to know. Well?

SUSIE:                                   I... don't think I am. I'm still thinking about it, I know it's a good thing.

MARY:                                   That's interesting. In what way is it a good thing?

SUSIE:                                   I'm sorry?

MARY:                                   Did you not hear me? You haven't lost your hearing, along with your common sense, then, because a lot of those people out there today have,

HELEN :                                Oh, dear, this is interesting. So what are you talking about, Mary? She's your daughter, don't you think she's onto something?

MARY :                                  No, I do not. I think she's a jumped up little madam who thinks she's a lot more important than she is, and she could really do with being taken down a peg or two.  I blame her father, of course, spoilt her rotten, and always told her, didn't matter what she said, or did it was wonderful, so clever, and she's not really, not really clever at all. She's very needy, all that. "I'm so alone" Goodness gracious. And what a performance. She's got five sisters you know.

HELEN:                                  And is she the eldest? Or the youngest,

MARY:                                   No, she's bang in the middle, And I think that's that's been the problem. She never thought she was getting the attention she deserved in spite of the fact that her father devoted every bit of his time and attention to her from the minute she was born, and money that he really couldn't afford. I had to put a stop to it you know. That's why she's on this big plea for help with the finances.

PRESHANI:                          Excuse me, are you ready to order?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, hi Preshani. Is this where you work now?

PRESHANI:                          Yes, I started last week. Were you at the gathering?

SUSIE:                                   Yes, we were. Oh, I'm sorry, did you all want to order something?

MARY:                                   I'd like a pot of tea please.

HELEN:                                  Flat white for me.

PRESHANI:                          And for you, Susan?

SUSIE:                                   Ahmmm green tea, thanks Preshani.

PRESHANI:                          Won't be long.

HELEN:                                  She was there just now, wasn't she?  Seemed very keen.

MARY:                                   Indeed she was. I don't think she's been here all that long.

HELEN:                                  What, in the UK?

SUSIE:                                   That's right Gran. She just came over  from South Africa a few weeks ago, and she's all on her own.

MARY:                                   And that is so dangerous, when people like Carla come along.

HELEN:                                  Carla?  I thought it was Kiara?

MARY:                                   She made it up.  Thinks it sounds more - I don't know what, to be honest.

SUSIE:                                   Kiara is not her real name either?

MARY:                                   No. I'm so sorry Susan. I really don't want you to be hurt, but there is an awful lot you don't know about that one.

PRESHANI:                          Hello again!  Your drinks are on their way. And I'm sorry to interrupt, but I heard you talking about Kiara! And I had to say, isn't she amazing?  I never met anyone like her in all my life. And to see you two ladies, like - you are older ladies, that it is not just young people like me and Susan that she speaks to.

HELEN:                                  Well, I just came along to--

MARY:                                   How long have you been ... following her, dear? I'm sorry I didn't catch your name?

PRESHANI:                          Oh gosh!  My name is Preshani.

MARY:                                   Lovely. So, as I was saying - oh, are you able to sit with us?  I'd love to talk with you about.. um.. Kiara.  If you have time.

PRESHANI:                          Well... we are not very busy just now. Let me ask the boss. I would Love to sit with you and talk about her. It's so exciting. Just a minute [SHE WALKS OFF] Mrs Patel?  Do you mind if I sit with my friends for a bit? [FADING OUT]

HELEN:                                  Seems like a lovely young woman.

SUSIE:                                   Oh she is, she's an absolute sweetheart. Very kind, and she help out so much.

MARY:                                   Doing what?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, getting posters and flyers printed and distributing them all around the area. She cooks lovely dishes and brings them in for Kiara. She's an amazing cook.

HELEN:                                  And does Kiara pay her?

SUSIE:                                   Goodness no, Kiara doesn't have any money to pay people. We're all volunteers.

MARY:                                   Susan, have you ever been to her place of abode? Where she lives?

SUSIE:                                   No, we usually meet up at the community centre. Or a cafe nearby. I understand it's just a tiny room she's got over a newsagent nearby.

MARY:                                   Tiny little room. Right. Just a minute.

PRESHANI:                          Here we are.  One pot of tea, this is the flat white, and there's your green tea, Susan. I'll just grab a chair.

HELEN:                                  Thank you!

SUSIE:                                   Thanks Preshani.

MARY:                                   Here we are.  I took these photos last week.  This - is the tiny room she lives in.

HELEN:                                  Oh wow!

SUSIE:                                   No!!  It can't be!

MARY:                                   I assure you. As you can see, it's a penthouse suite, it's in Camden. Two double bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 private terraces. Very glamourous.

SUSIE:                                   But how? Who pays the rent?

PRESHANI:                          Ooh, that is gorgeous!  I would love to live somewhere like that. Who's is it?

MARY:                                   It's Carla's.  I mean Kiara's.

PRESHANI:                          No... No, that cannot be right. Kiara doesn't have money, she lives in a tiny room above a newsagent shop. She told me!  Why would you say that?

SUSIE:                                   Preshani, this is Mrs Mary O'Leary. She is Kiara's mother.

PRESHANI:                          But why would you tell such stories about your own daughter?  What is going on here?

HELEN:                                  Preshani.  My name is Helen.  I am Susan's grandmother.  I've been doing some research into Kiara's background-- not to find fault with her message about saving the planet, that is a highly commendable goal. No question.  But just to make sure that, if we are to donate towards her expenses  that she has a, shall we say, transparent system around what those expenses are for. Do you understand what I'm saying?

PRESHANI:                          Yes! Of course I do.  I understand we must all protect ourselves from... fraudsters, and charlatans... but Kiara is so genuine! She really cares! She really does!! I am sure of it!

MARY:                                   Quite possibly she does. But Preshani, she also cares very much about her creature comforts. And I can assure you, this is where she has been living for the past six months since she moved out of my home.

PRESHANI:                          Well then, who has paid for it. Perhaps some rich person who wants to support her, to help her to save the planet, just as we all do, right Susie?

SUSIE:                                   I don't know.

MARY:                                   I'll tell you who has been paying for her. Her father. Who is unemployed, and disabled because he has Parkinson's disease, and who has been allowing her to use his credit card. So it is I, who have been paying for her. Without my knowledge.  And I can assure you, I am not rich, by any means.

PRESHANI:                          But er... but that means...

MARY:                                   Yes, it means she has been stealing from me. And not to save the planet, but to live in a very expensive flat.  And the reason she set up this Gathering today was to persuade you lovely, dedicated, enthusiastic young people to pay her from your own pockets, because I closed that account and she cannot use it any more.

PRESHANI:                          [VERY SADLY] But that is so unfair.

HELEN:                                  What is?  Stopping her from stealing from her own family?

PRESHANI:                          No. No, please, I... I do not mean that.  I mean it is so unfair that she was able to trick us. With her words. She tricked us all, but...

HELEN:                                  By saying what you wanted to hear. That's it, isn't it?

PRESHANI:                          That is exactly it.  She didn't necessarily lie, did she?

SUSIE:                                   I guess not. When she said she was alone, she really is.

MARY:                                   I have to agree. You see, she has done this before, in so many different ways. She has managed to make her sisters so angry with her that they won't have anything to do with her. I don't know why she keeps trying to bamboozle people into liking her, into giving her money, when she could just be nice, be a decent human being.

HELEN:                                  And there is no doubt, the planet needs rescuing - or at least, humanity needs to stop trying to destroy it,

SUSIE:                                   But this just makes it worse! Because who can we trust?

PRESHANI:                          Yes. I want to know who we can trust?

HELEN:                                  Well, for a start, you two can trust each other. And do your research! Your due diligence.  Honestly Susie, I thought you knew better.

PRESHANI:                          Me too.  I see what you mean. I just got swept up in the excitement of it all. It's that feeling, like a - like a

HELEN:                                  Like a tingle.  We know. Don't worry, we've been there, and done that. It's not a crime to get caught up in the moment, but girls!  You lovely human beings!  You are the ones who can fix this. Only not overnight.

MARY:                                   No. Not at all. It has to be slowly, carefully, as Helen says, do your due digi- dig - what was it you said [LAU GHING]

HELEN:                                  Diligence.  Yes. Oh my goodness, it's so important to remain diligent!

MRS PATEL:                        Preshani!

PRESHANI:                          Oh! Yes, I'm coming.

SUSIE:                                   Preshani, stay in touch?  You've got my email address?

PRESHANI:                          Yes, Susan. I will. I have to go. Lovely to meet you ladies. Thank you. Thank you so much. Susan, we have to tell the others.

SUSIE:                                   We will. But let's get together

MRS PATEL:                        Preshani!!

PRESHANI:                          Coming now.  [MOVING AWAY].

MRS PATEL:                        Ah good girl. Good girl.

PRESHANI:                          Here I am. What is it, Mrs Patel?

PAUSE

HELEN:                                  Well now!

MARY:                                   Indeed. Well now indeed.

SUSIE:                                   You know what you two are, don't you?

MARY:                                   Saboteurs?

HELEN:                                  Counter-Revolutionaries?

MARY:                                   Fifth columnists?

HELEN:                                  Radicals!!

SUSIE:                                   [LAUGHING] Absolutely.  In the best possible way.  Please may I be you when I grow up?

HELEN:                                  As long as you don't grow up in the meantime.

SUSIE:                                   What? That makes no sense at all.

MARY:                                   No. It makes no sense at all. And that is the very best kind of sense that there is. [THEY LAUGH]

OUTRO

FLLOYD:                               And there we have it, Helen and Mary revealing their true colours.  This week's guest artist, playing both Preshani and Mrs Patel, is Lushika Preethrajh.

Now, you may have noticed that these episodes are arriving at roughly fortnightly intervals these days.  That's because I'm also busy editing the new podcast, Baked Off! Which is a much bigger production than Am I Old Yet? I've been trying to raise some funds to pay for a dialogue editor to help me with it, but we still have some way to go. If you'd like to help out, there are a range of perks to be enjoyed, from early access to the episodes to mugs, stickers and aprons, and even a brand new cookbook. The website is crowdfundr (with no 'e') .com/bakedoffpodcast. I'm halfway through editing Episode 4, with only another 4 to go. And it will happen a whole lot faster if I don't have to do it all myself. Thanks to those of'you who have joined my Patreon community. The latest newsletter is on its way to you already. Also thanks to Fable and Folly and the F&F community, who are so lovely and supportive, as well as being just the best audio fiction producers out there. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.