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Helen is waiting patiently at her favourite Cheese Shop Cafe for her granddaughter Susie and daughter Janey to join her for lunch. Until they are half an hour late, and then—not so patiently. Meanwhile, there's a young American guy, who seems to think he's Sam Spade. Or is it Philip Marlowe?
Cast: AJ Fidalgo as Special Agent Sam Marlow; Tayo Aluko as Detective Inspector Frank Ensign (there is no 'T'); Frances Broudie Oldridge as SWAT Team Leader Officer Linda Carter; Shea Smith as Dieter Putton; Flloyd Kennedy as Helen, Janey, Ilse and Rina Gineheart; Theme music composed and performed by John T La Barbera.
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Transcript is available on the episode website https://amIoldyet.com/s11e3
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Hey, everybody. This is Floyd Kennedy, creator of Am I Old Yet? The audio comedy drama that follows a character by the name of Helen Doherty, an elderly woman negotiating life in the 21st century with the help of, or inspired spite of her family, friends and random strangers. You can support the program with a small donation via buymeacoffee.com amioldyet or a big one if you feel like it. I wouldn't say no. Or by becoming a regular subscriber@patreon.com Amioldyet and of course, if you follow us on your podcasting app, you'll always have the episodes dropping down automatically as they arrive.
I'm sorry, they're not all that regular at the moment, but I'm working on my other new podcast, Baked off, which I hope we'll be able to bring to you in a month or two. In the meantime, this is episode three of season 11, Busted, in which we find Helen waiting to have lunch with her granddaughter Susie and her daughter Janie at the Cheese Shop Cafe. Enjoy.
It was another cold, gray, windy day in London, and the Cheese Shop Cafe in South Morton was beginning to get busy. The old lady, sitting on her own at the corner table, was listening to someone on her cell phone. As I kept an eye on her, she closed down the call and began to mutter something. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but she was definitely upset about something.
No, it's not frigging well. All right, darling. Suzy, I've been sitting here for half an hour and I am not happy.
Just then, the waitress approached her.
Good morning, Helen. You're regular. Yes, thanks, Ilse. Oh, wait, I'll have cheese and tomato today, thanks. Is that all right? Of course, of course. But toasted. Oh, yes, definitely toasted. I love the crunch. Yes, it is nice. I get it for you. It won't be long. Are you waiting for someone? Susie was supposed to be coming. Coming over to have lunch. She wants to talk to me about something important. No idea what, but there you go. And now she's just cried off. Oh, that's terrible. Oh, no, it's not terrible. It's just life, isn't it? Young people, they do things like that.
It's not so much. Yeah, it's not so much being stood up. It's more because she couldn't even be bothered to phone me to let me know. Oh, never mind. I'll get your coffee.
As the waitress walked away, I made my move. Excuse me, ma'am, do you need this chair?
Sorry, what was that?
I was Just wondering if you need this chair. It's a bit crowded here.
Oh, I'm actually waiting for someone. I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's. No, no, don't bother. It's all right. Thank you. I'm sorry to bother you. Have a nice day.
No worries, mate. You too. Now then, where are you? Janie?
As I moved away, she picked up her phone again.
Janie, where are you? No, no, I'm not going anywhere. I've just ordered a sandwich. Shall I order something for you? Oh, oh, oh, okay. No, no, no, not at all. Just whenever you get here. Here's your coffee. The sandwich won't be long. That's lovely. Thanks, Ilse. Oh. Now, where's that young man, Vijvan? The one who asked if he could sit here? He might as well. Janey will be at least half an hour. I can't see him anywhere. Perhaps he left. Oh, I do hope not. I don't like to be the cause of your losing some business.
Well, we are quite busy today. One less won't hurt me. Don't worry about it.
Oh, miss.
Excuse me.
Here she comes. What'll you have?
I'll have a cup of tea, please.
Tea? I didn't think Americans drank tea. Not proper English tea. Are you sure?
Yeah, when in Rome, you know. I'm sure. I can handle it.
Okay.
Yes. Would you like to order?
Yes, please. I'll have a double shot espresso. And my friend here will have a pot of your very best builder's tea.
Of course. And something to eat.
Oh, I'll have chocolate brownie and fruit scone, please.
One chocolate brownie and one fruit scone. Scone won't be long.
Did she say scone? I thought it was scone. Did I say it wrong? Is that very bad?
Don't worry about it, lad. She knows what you mean. No. Have you identified the target?
Yeah, she's sitting over there in the corner. Oh, that old dame with the white hair.
Really?
That's her. Exactly how Jose described her.
I didn't think she'd be that old. He just said she's getting on a bit.
Well, she sure is getting on a bit. No doubt about that.
Right. Hard to imagine her as an international criminal, isn't it?
That's what I thought. What a cover, eh? Eh? Oh, sorry.
Frank wanted true attention. She's obviously waiting for someone.
Yeah, that's what she said.
What? You spoke to her? Are you crazy? We're supposed to be undercover.
Keep your shirt on. I just asked if I could use the spare Chair checked out. Her accent. She's definitely an Aussie. Huh? How about that? Still think it was a waste of time, me coming over here to help you out? After all, I did all the hard work tracking her down.
Oh, okay. Well done. Must be her then. Well, let's just sit back and see who turns up. This is going to be a lot easier than I thought. A lot easier than I thought.
I'm so sorry you had to wait. Thank goodness you managed to save a chair. I've never seen the place so busy. Yes, it is a bit. I had to park three blocks away. What on earth is going on? I saw at least three police cars dotted all over the place. Crikey exciting. Some kind of bust going on in our quiet little patch. Oh, dear. And that Suzy, Honestly, mom, she gets more irritating by the day. I think she's having a second teenage crisis. Behaving like a 14 year old. Do you know she called me up at 7 o'clock in the morning wanting me to drive her to St.
Albans for some demo or other? Oh, so that's what it was. Didn't she tell you? No. She didn't even call me up to cancel. What's it all about this time? I have no idea. Didn't you ask her? No, I did not. I was so angry. She seems to have decided I do nothing but sit around all day waiting for her to ask me to drive her halfway across the country whenever she pleases. I don't know what's come over her these past few months. What, did you just sit in the car and not speak to her? No, I didn't take her.
I had an online call with the publisher in Sydney and then I had you. You had me? For lunch, of course. Oh. Oh, well, here you are. Are you hungry? Yes, I am. Now. Where is Ilsa? She's over there with the American. Who? Oh, that young man with the baseball cap on backwards. How do you know he's American? Really? Ok, because he came and spoke to me. Wanted to know if the chair was free. And was it? Yes, but there were other chairs just as free, so I said no, it wasn't. Oh, good for you. The cheek.
Yes. And then I felt guilty so I asked Ilse to track him down, but he must have left and now he's back and he has a chair of his own and a friend to sit with. Indeed. Nice. And here's your tea. Enjoy.
Thanks, ma'am. Looks great. Looks great, doesn't it, Frank? Cute little pot.
Mm.
Yes. Great.
Real English tea. Wow. That's pretty black. I mean dark. I mean strong.
I know what you mean, Sam. It's just tea. Put some milk in it.
Oh, sure. Where's the milk?
Yeah.
Oh, in a dinky little jug. Ah, that looks better. I mean.
You mean it looks like tea?
Yeah.
How does it taste?
Yeah. Okay, here goes. Taking one for the team.
What team are you talking about, Sam?
Oh, you know, the team that says Americans don't know how to drink proper tea. Like the English.
Of course. Well, go on then. I'm looking forward to this.
Me too. Oh, what have they done to it?
It's what they haven't done to it, mate. Come on, drink it up.
Sure.
Bi N sign here.
Bi N sign.
No N sign.
No N sign without the tea.
Yes, that's right. Is no tea. Weird. What do you have?
Eyes on the target.
Yes, we have her under surveillance. Just say the word, you'll be in place in fine.
Do not, I repeat, do not draw attention to yourselves. You sure is.
Yes, it's the older woman.
Then the word came in.
Younger.
Bobby knew what to do. At least one of trusted FBI colleague would take down this old so called lady, this ancient viper, this decrepit affront to humanity.
What are you doing?
What, Frank? Nothing, I. I was just.
Just what? Who are you talking to?
No one. I'm. I'm recording my notes, that's all. Saves a lot of work when I get back to the office. Having to record with all the details.
Well, give it a break. I want to enjoy my coffee while I can.
I started to crochet these squares just so if I remembered how to do it. You used to make the most amazing doilies to use as coasters. Ha. You remember those? Yes. And I remember that beautiful dress you made for one of my dolls. When the school asked us to bring a toy in to show each other. Yes. And we never saw it again, did we? Because they actually asked you to bring in a toy to share. As in giveaway to the local children's home. Did you want anything else, Helen? No, I'm fine, thanks, Ilsa. How about you, Mom?
No, all good here. That was lovely. Thanks, Ilsa. We'd better make a move, Mom. The car is quite a long way away. I'll go and bring it to the door. Shouldn't be too long. Give me, oh, ten minutes or so. Okay. What time is it now? Oh, 10 to 2. Righto. Ilsa, can I settle up with you now?
How's your scone?
You mean my scone? I'm a quick learner, you know. Oh, are you taking the mick?
Yes, Sam, I'm taking the mick.
Well, for your information, it was delicious. I might order another one.
You don't have time for that. I think they're getting ready to leave. Look, she's putting a coat on.
No, you don't get to keep the change. What do you think I am? Made of money?
That was all. I just thought that, you know, that. I don't know what I thought.
Well, you know what thought did, don't you?
No. What?
He thought he'd plant a feather and he'd grow a chicken. Didn't your mother teach you anything?
Well, I. Well, maybe she did.
I don't.
Well, she didn't teach that.
You just thought you could screw me over like your old pal Abbott. Or was it Costello? Who cares? Same same. Well, ha ha. You know what happened to him, don't you, Possum?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on then. Get back in me pocket. Let's get out of here. I've got a plane to catch and a country to take over. I'm so excited. Oh, out of my way, you stupid old cow. Come on, sweetie. Putney pie. Hurry up.
Please don't call me that. It makes me look really, really bad. And I just. To tell you the truth, I'm nothing like that Rusky. So please don't call me that at all.
Nah, you're more like his predecessor.
Who?
Yeltsin?
I was thinking, you know, before that. Ivan the really Terrible. Now, where's me coat? Where's me coat? Go and get me coat, you idiot. Helen, are you all right? Yes, thanks, Ilsa. I'm just off to meet Janey. They'll take care. Will do. You too.
Target is on the move. I repeat, target is on the move towards the door.
She had no idea that a SWAT team from Scotland Yard were waiting to pounce. And that would be the end of her criminal reign of terror on two continents.
Hold it right there, lady. You are under arrest.
Excuse me? Please explain. Don't you know who I am?
I certainly do. You Arena Ginart. And you are wanted in the Hague for crimes against humanity.
Pardon? You idiot. You led me into a trap.
No.
Ah.
I swear I didn't.
No. I don't believe you for a minute. You and your swearing. Swear this, swear that. What are you gonna come up with?
Well, I swear I didn't lead you into any trap at all.
Yeah, but you're always swearing, aren't you? You're a foul mouth. Get. I know you.
You too. Hands behind your back. Now.
What the no, that's not her, Frank. They've got the wrong woman. Hey, you.
Are you talking to me, sunshine? Do you want to join them?
No, I'm with you guys. FBI Special Agent Sam Marlowe. Look, here's my badge.
Is that right, DI Enstein?
Ensign Dudley. Yes, Officer, he's with me.
But what about the Aussie woman?
This is she, dickhead. Look, here's her picture. Oh, it's the one in the National Gallery of Australia.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's her all right.
Thanks, darling. What a treat. Door to door service. Oh, look, there's a BBC outside broadcast truck over there. Oh, yes. Wonder what they're filming here. I guess we'll see it on the news tonight. Now, about your daughter. Do you know, I think she's just. That was busted. Episode 3 Season 11 you heard me Floyd Kennedy as Helen Janie Ilse and Rena Ginehart. With Tayo Aluko as Detective Inspector Frank, Ensign A.J. fidalgo as Special Agent Sam Marlowe and Frances Brodie Aldridge as SWAT Team Leader Officer Lynda Carter. The theme music is from John Tiela Barbera's in the Labyrinth.
Please take a moment to rate and review it in your favourite podcasting app or drop a comment on the reviews page of the website www.ami oldyet.com/reviews. Too easy. If you haven't already done it, you can always sign up for Fable and Folly. Plus, they are marvelous. I'm so grateful for their support, which gives you ad free access to this and many other fabulous audio fiction podcasts. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.
Doesn't it sound like a Ade?
Well, you're doing different things. The accent is the same, but the character's very different. It's two different podcasts. Anyway, this is "Am I Old Yet?"
Oh. [LAUGHS] Oh, thank goodness.
There you go. Yeah. No, no. If it was in "Baked Off!", I'd have asked you to do something different.
Oh right.
Putton? You idiot. You led me into a trap.
No, ah, I swear I didn't.
Oh, don't believe you for a minute. You and your swearing. Swear this, swear that. What are you gonna come up with next?
Well, I swear I didn't lead you into any trap at all.
Yeah, but you're always swearing, aren't you? You're a foul mouthed git. I know you.
You don't know me at all, Rina.
[LAUGHS]
You know. I feel like quitting right now.
My plan, my devilish plan is working.
I've been under your sagging armpit for the last three years.
Now.
And I haven't enjoyed one moment of it. It smells like rotten cotton balls, to tell you the truth.
More like coal balls.
Yes, exactly. Cold balls served with a side of cucumber. I'm going to see what Yeltsin's up to.
Didn't he die? I think he did.
I think he did.
Okay.
That's where I'm headed.
Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Thank you so much, Shea.
Actress
Frances is a vocalist, actor, voice actor and audio producer. She has just published her production of 'The Chavman Chronicles' written by Db Morgan and available on Audible, in which she also plays Mullins and Tracy Hummer as well as providing much of the background music.
The movie ‘Blood Highway’ based on real events is now out on Amazon Prime. Frances plays Francesca Rose, wife and mother placed in a home suffering from dementia. She appears as an apparition in a frightening sequence to her trapped pregnant daughter as she fights for her life in an overturned car.
Also, look out for Frances as Shelly Bass in ‘MorrisMen’, an urban revenge feature film due for release in 2023.
Upcoming projects for 2023 include the film 'Something Snapped’, as well as the release of a new album entitled ‘Consequence of Love’ plus a pop video.
You can access her back catalogue of music with Tracing Arcs on Spotify, Apple Music and Amazon.
Actor
Tayo Aluko is a playwright, a stage and TV actor, and a singer born in Nigeria, and living in Liverpool. His one-man play about Paul Robeson, titled CALL MR ROBESON, has taken him as far afield as the North West Territories of Canada and Australia and New Zealand, and to New York’s Carnegie Hall. A second play, JUST AN ORDINARY LAWYER, deals with Black liberation struggles worldwide, and has also been performed on three continents. He has initiated an international project titled MAPPING “GREATNESS,” in which people of the Global Majority worldwide film themselves performing his poem GREATNESS IN A TIME OF COVID in many languages, as a response to Imperialism and the global pandemic. His audio play PAUL ROBESON’S LOVE SONG is available online. He continues to write drama which demonstrates how Black History is everybody’s history, every day of every year, and is a history of resistance, resilience and triumph.
Begin at the very beginning, with Episode 1 "Kind Like Sharon". Or pick it up at Season 6, which is the beginning of Helen's life as a Super Hero!
