Only Welcomes in the Building

INTRODUCTION

FLLOYD                                Thunder's Mouth Theatre Presents:

                                                Hello everybody, this is Flloyd Kennedy, creator of “Am I Old Yet?” the audio comedy drama that follows a character by the name of Helen, she's an elderly woman negotiating life in the 21st century, with the help of, or in spite of, her family, friends and random strangers.

                                                You can support the programme with a small donation by donating at buymeacoffee.com/amIoldyet, or by becoming a regular subscriber at patreon.com/amIoldyet. Because—as you're probably aware if you listen to especially audio fiction, it's free to listen to, but it's not free to make. And of course, if you follow us on your podcasting app, or subscribe, you will always have the episodes dropped down automatically as they arrive.

                                                This episode is called "Only Welcomes in the Building". Helen and her neighbour Jennifer have decided to belatedly welcome the new arrivals in their block of flat.  But not everyone in the building is quite so welcoming...

                                                Enjoy!

SCENE 1

HELEN IS LISTENING TO AN OLD FOLK SONG ON THE RADIO. SHOUTING IN THE CORRIDOR DOWNSTAIRS

ANGRY WOMAN:                Hey, you! What you doin' hanging around here again? I told you to stay away.

DIMITRI:                                No, I am sorry. I don't make trouble.

ANGRY WOMAN:                You are trouble, sunshine. I know you and your lot. You come here, taking our jobs--

DIMITRI:                                No! I have no job. I do not take job.

ANGRY WOMAN:                Well you won't find no jobs here. We're all respectable English people. We don't want you foreigners hanging around. Now get out or I'll call the police

                                                            DOOR SLAMS

DIMITRI:                                So sorry. Please don't do that. I go now.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

HELEN:                                  Oh hi Jennifer.  You ok?  What was that about?

JENNIFER:                           I think it's the people in No 3. They don't seem to like foreigners much

HELEN:                                  No. Who's the young man?  Do you know?

JENNIFER:                           I think he's with the Ukrainian family upstairs, the ones that came over when the war started and the refugee centre placed them here a couple of weeks ago. Apparently he stayed behind to fight, but he was injured so they let him come here to be with his family.

HELEN:                                  Oh goodness. Hmmm. That's just awful.

JENNIFER:                           I know.

HELEN:                                  You want to interrupt, but then--

JENNIFER:                           But then you don't want to get involved either. 

helen                                      Are you coming, or going?

JENNIFER                            Just heading out for a bit of a walk.

HELEN                                   It's awfully wet out there.

JENNIFER:                           Oh. Is it?  Maybe I won't bother then. I don't mind a bit of wet, but awfully wet does not sound appealing at all.

HELEN:                                  Want to come in for a coffee?

JENNIFER:                           D'you know, I'd love to.

SCENE 2 - KETTLE BOILS. RATTLE OF CROCKERY.

JENNIFER:                           I wanted to say, it was so kind of your Janey to drop us over to the Hospice the other day. Nana was really entertained by that story about the neighbour's children, planting the plastic flowers in the garden for when their parents came back from holiday.

HELEN:                                  She was, wasn't she!

JENNIFER:                           And is that true, they really hate anything to do with plastic flowers?  So it must have been an awful shock for them.

HELEN:                                  I believe so. But they seemed to get the joke alright. Eventually. Although Janey wasn't impressed that they blamed her at first!

JENNIFER:                           No.  I can't imagine Janey would ever do such a thing. She's so kind. And thoughtful.

HELEN:                                  She is, isn't she.  But she does have quite a wicked sense of humour too.

JENNIFER:                           Oh that reminds me. You know that cleaning job I got?   Over at the residential units on Carpathian Avenue?

HELEN:                                  Oh yes.  Have you started yet?

JENNIFER:                           Yes, I started today. Well, she was so funny. I'd only been there about half an hour, and she'd left a cup on the edge of the hall table. Well, I managed knock it off, and that hall has marble tiles, and... [FADE INTO THE NEXT SCENE]

SCENE 3 - FLASHBACK

CRASHING SOUND!

JENNIFER:                           Oh for goodness sake!  I'm so sorry Mrs Howard, I'll clean it up. I'll pick up a new one for you this afternoon

OLD LADY: :                         Oh dear. oh my goodness. That was the last cup in that set.

JENNIFER: :                         Oh no!  oh I am so sorry.  I'm such an idiot-

MRS HOWARD :                  No! No dear, don't give it another thought.  It's just stuff. (SHE GIGGLES). Stuff!  Stuff and nonsense. Stuff is such a silly word, don't you think?

JENNIFER:                      (LAUGHING)  Guess so. I never thought about it.  Oh don't walk there, wait till I clear it up.  Where do you keep your dustpan and brush? In the kitchen? (footsteps, voice fading)

MRS HOWARD:                   Yes dear, under the sink. [PHONE RINGS] Oh now what

JENNIFER: :                         (from kitchen) Do you want me  to get that?

MRS HOWARD: :                No dear. It's just - who is it? Oh, one of those. Yes?

CALLER: :                             Hello, is that Mrs Howard?

MRS HOWARD: :                Yes.  who is this, Please?

CALLER: :                             I understand you have been in a car accident recently that wasn't your fault.

MRS HOWARD: :                Have I?

CALLER: :                             Yes, and I'm calling from Elite Catch and Collect to offer our services-

MRS HOWARD: :                Oh that is so kind of you! I've been so worried about it-

CALLER: :                             And we are happy to help you with the insurance

JENNIFER: :                         Are you alright, Mrs Howard? Is that your son?

MRS HOWARD: :                No. It's all fine, dear.  It's just one of those spammy people, wanting my money.

JENNIFER: :                         What? Why are you talking to them? What have you said to them?  You mustn't give them any details-

MRS HOWARD: :                Oh I know that!  It's just some poor lad trying to earn a living, so I let them talk for a while and then I hang up. This one is putting on a silly voice, to try and intimidate me.

JENNIFER: :                         It's not, you know. Not any more.  it's a machine.

MRS HOWARD: :                Really?  It sounds like a real person— 

PHONE VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND):    Now if you'll just let me know your bank details, we'll be happy to take care of all your paperwork.

JENNIFER: :                         No, it's all pre-recorded. With an artificial voice. You know how they clone them these days, they copy people's voices. 

MRS HOWARD: :                Oh I see. [HANGS UP PHONE] Well that's a pity.  I thought I was being helpful, letting her say her spiel. Yes. That's a pity.  I quite enjoy stringing them along, and then I try to let them down easy, if you know what I mean.

JENNIFER:                           I do know what you mean.  But I'm afraid those days are gone.

MRS HOWARD::                  Well what happen to all those unemployed actors who worked in the call centres?

JENNIFER:                           Probably working for Just Eat. Or Deliveroo

MRS HOWARD:                   Riding around on bicycles, delivering food to people who can't be bothered to cook anymore?

JENNIFER:                           I guess so.

MRS HOWARD:                   It's sad really. At least I think it is. But I'm old fashioned. I liked to cook for my family. And I like to cook for myself. That way I know what went into it. Do you cook, Jenny?

JENNIFER:                           Oh I certainly do. Me and Harry go out once in a blue moon for a curry, or some really nice fish and chips - 'coz I'm not much good at those. I never seem to get the flavours right, for the curries, and I can't get the batter nice and crispy, like they do in the cafe.

MRS HOWARD:                   Beer batter.

JENNIFER:                           I'm sorry?

MRS HOWARD:                   Beer batter. You make it with beer.  Always turns out lovely and crunchy.

JENNIFER:                           Well I never knew that. Do you have the recipe?

MRS HOWARD:                   I certainly do.  Let me dig it out for you.

FADE BACK TO HELEN'S

HELEN:                                  Are you going to try it?

JENNIFER:                           Well I will. Have to buy the beer first. And then hide it from Harry until I'm ready to use it!

HELEN:                                  Ah. Good thinking. Speaking of which. I've been thinking.

JENNIFER:                           Yes?

HELEN:                                  About our neighbours upstairs.  Have you met them?

JENNIFER:                           Not really. Just said hello on the stairs, you know

HELEN:                                  Yes. Me too. So how about we go up and introduce ourselves properly? What do you think? Make an effort to make them feel welcome.

JENNIFER:                           Good idea... Ye-es. Should have done that at the start. I didn't want to bother them.

HELEN:                                  Me too. How daft is that?  Shall we do it now?

JENNIFER:                           Yeah.  Oh, hang on a minute.

HELEN:                                  What? What's the problem?

JENNIFER:                           We should have something to take to them. I don't have anything. I could go out and get something--

HELEN:                                  Wait a minute.

SHE WALKS TO A CUPBOARD

HELEN:                                  How about this? I won it in a raffle, just before Christmas. Too much chocolate...

JENNIFER:                           Lovely. Let's do it.

THEME MUSIC

KNOCKING ON DOOR

HELEN:                                  I don't think there's anyone in.

JENNIFER:                           No. Maybe we should come back later. They must be at work.

HELEN:                                  Yeah. We could come back after dinner.

DOOR OPENS

DIMITRI:                                Hello?

HELEN:                                  Oh! Oh there you are.

DIMITRI:                                I'm sorry. Have I done something wrong?

HELEN:                                  No, not at all. We were just worried about you.

DIMITRI:                                About me? Why? What happened?

JENNIFER:                           Oh nothing happened. It's just, we live downstairs, on the second floor, and we just wanted to welcome you. Properly. Because you haven't been here long, have you?

HELEN:                                  Yes. We wanted to say, Welcome to our building. We hope you are comfortable. And your family has everything you need.  Do they?

DIMITRI:                                Do they have everything they need? I think so. We all have clothes and food and furniture. What else should we need?

HELEN:                                  Friends?  Maybe some friends in the building. Eh?  What do you say?

DIMITRI.:                               Ah.  I see what you mean. You heard that lady downstairs.

HELEN:                                  We did. She's a horror.  We're not all like that.

JENNIFER:                           No, we are not.

HELEN:                                  Do you like chocolate?

DIMITRI:                                I do...?

HELEN:                                  Here.  Don't eat it all at once.

DIMITRI:                                Why would I do that?

JENNIFER:                           Oh, don't worry. It's just a silly saying. A joke.

DIMITRI:                                A joke!  I like jokes.  I am comedian.

JENNIFER:                           You are?

DIMITRI:                                I am.  Just like President.

HELEN:                                  Really? That's amazing!

DIMITRI:                                No! [LAUGHS] I am joking. Before I was soldier, I was school teacher -- I'm sorry, I'm very rude. Please! Come inside. We will have tea. Do you like tea?

HELEN:                                  Do we like tea? 

JENNIFER:                           Well, I like tea. Thank you. My name is Jennifer.

HELEN:                                  And I'm Helen.

DIMITRI:                                Please to meet you. I am Dimitri. Daryna! We have visitors! Come and say hello. Two ladies from downstairs...

FADE OUT AND MUSIC

FLLOYD                                That was episode 2 season 11 of “Am I Old Yet?”. Written and performed by me, Flloyd Kennedy, with Christopher McDougall as Dimitri and the telephone caller voice. If you enjoy this podcast, please take a moment to rate and review it in your favourite podcasting app if they allow for it, or you can drop a comment on the reviews page on the website www.amioldyet.com/reviews.  And there was something else I wanted to say to you, but I can't remember what it was! It'll have to wait. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

                                                Yeah! Stay safe!