Never Mind Wally! Where's Helen?

EPISODE 5 - NEVER MIND WALLY, WHERE'S HELEN?

INTRO:                                  Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents "Never Mind Wally! Where's Helen?"  Episode 5, Season 10, of this little audio fiction, slice of life comedy. Helen, our heroine, has gone off on a well deserved summer break, but she seems to have forgotten to let her family know where she has gone. Daughter Janey and granddaughter Susie team up to assure themselves that she is safe and well. As best they can. Make sure you listen to the end for the epilogue, which may contain a clue or two. I'm Flloyd Kennedy, and I made this for you. I hope you find it entertaining and if you do, I trust you will tell somebody else, who may also be entertained by it.  This, and all episodes, can be found at amIoldyet.com, along with links to the favourite podcasting apps. Tell them that. Enjoy!

JANEY:                                  Thank you for calling the Alexander household. Please leave a message after the beep. [BEEP]

SUSIE.:                                  [ON THE PHONE] Hi Mum.  Susie here. I hope everything's okay with you and dad. Just to let you know, Charlie and I are down to his folks place for the weekend. But the thing is, have you spoken to Gran lately? I haven't been able to get hold of her on the phone. Call me.

DIAL TONE... BEEP

JANEY:                                  Susie darling, thanks for letting us know. And no, I haven't been able to get hold of your grandmother either.
I wonder if there's something wrong with her phone. I
might go over to the flat later on today. See what's happening. Anyway, have a lovely time. Let know when you get back. Bye for now.

DIAL TONE

HELEN:                                  This is Helen Doherty's phone. Sorry I can't take your call.  Please leave a message after the beep.

BEEP.

JANEY:                                  Mum? Mum it's Janey.  Can you please pick up Mum?  Where are you?  I haven't heard from you for a couple of days now. And I'm just wondering... if something's up with your phone, but at least it seems to be taking messages so that's good. Susie and Charlie are off to Norfolk for the weekend. And perhaps you'd like to come over and have some lunch with Jon and me on Saturday. And maybe we could go and see a movie. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Do give me a call Mum? I do worry. Just let me know you're all right.

DIAL TONE.  BEEP

JENNIFER:                           Hi Helen. It's Jennifer,  from next door. I just tried tapping on your door but looks like you're not in so...    The Postie came with parcel for you. And he's left it with me, so... so just so you know. And I'll hang on to it and and just tap on the door when you get back from wherever you are. So if you need anything, we're all right, me and Harry. We're doing fine. Oh, so is Nana by the way. She's doing fine. She was so happy to see you the other day you really, you really bucked her up a bit. Anyway, see, oh, the rehearsals for Wind in the Willows are coming along really great. Singing is supposed to be good for you. And I'm finding it - yeah so much fun.  And. I'll get  tickets for you, coz you'll have to book 'em, you let me know when you want to come. And,  oh, don't worry about that. But you really, you really don't want to miss Harry as Mr. Toad. He's having so much fun. It's- it's lovely to see him so happy. And yeah, well, okay. Just tap on the door when you get back, okay? We ain't going nowhere today or tonight. See you later. Take care. Oh, it's Jennifer, from next door

DIAL TONE.  BEEP

SUSIE.:                                  Mum, it's Susie. Again. Just waiting for Charlie to get back from the studio before we set off. Mum - don't go over to Gran's. You know how cross she gets when she thinks we're checking up on her. I just think we should wait a bit.

JANEY:                                  Susie!

SUSIE.:                                  Oh, there you are. Yes. Did you hear what I said?

JANEY:                                  Don't check up on my mother, just because I'm worried about her. Oh yes.  You're probably right. Now, I've been meaning to ask you, are you and Charlie going to be around over the next month or so?

SUSIE   :                                Oh. Not sure.  Charlie has a few offers that he's thinking about, invitations to support a couple of bands that are passing through London on a tour in a month or two.     .

JANEY:                                  Anyone I've heard of?

SUSIE :                                  I don't know.  Are you familiar with the work of "Devil's Detail"?

JANEY                    :            No.

SUSIE                     :           Or "Blue Diamond Drillers"?

JANEY                    :            Not that I know of. 

SUSIE                     :           Do you ever listen to Radio 6 Music? Freak Zone playlist?

JANEY                    :            Pretty sure I have never encountered it. Do you think I should?  Would I find it entertaining, or even enlightening.

SUSIE                      :          It all depends.

JANEY                    :            on what?

SUSIE                      :          On how much enlightenment you think you can handle in the space of a 5 minute track.

JANEY                    :            That long, eh?  Well, I'm willing to give it a try.  When is it on?

SUSIE                      :          Midnight, Wednesdays.

JANEY                    :            Oh.  I don't think so.  Why don't you just send me a link to one of them playing something on YouTube?

SUSIE                      :          YouTube?  I didn't know you watched things on YouTube.How long has this been going on?

JANEY                     :           Probably since before you were born, you cheeky thing.  I have been acquainted with it for quite a few years, you know.

SUSIE                     :           Oh, of course you have.  I see I've fallen into the trap of thinking the way some of my peers do.

JANEY                    :            You mean by disrespecting your elders, as if you just invented the internet yourselves, or anyone older than you are couldn't possibly know how to use it?

SUSIE                     :           Pretty much.  Sorry Mum. Didn't realise how easy it was to slip into that way of thinking

JANEY                    :            Well I'd like to think you would give it some thought. It's just another form of ageism.  Your grandmother would be down on you like a ton of hot bricks. As we used to say in the olden days.

SUSIE                      :          I'm sure you did.

JANEY                    :            So what would you say? What's the current cool talk?

SUSIE                     :           I wouldn't have the faintest idea! Probably something like, "I'm coming down on you like a ton of hot bricks."

JANEY                    :            So you are not too proud to recycle the old ones.

SUSIE                      :          Well, I don't know about you, Mum, but I have absolutely no shame whatsoever, when it comes to recycling. 

JANEY                    :            Good to know. 

SUSIE                     :           But speaking of Gran.  I'm worried too, you know. How long should we wait?

JANEY                    :            Hard to know, really.  When an 80 year old, fiercely independent woman goes missing in action - or should I say 'off grid', for a day or two, should I be worried? I am worried, I can't deny it. But what to do?  She gets so annoyed if I hassle her, as she puts it.

SUSIE                      ::         Is possible that she may have mentioned going somewhere, and we forgot about it?

JANEY                    :            You mean me. You mean I forgot it. Susie, that's the problem.  The state of my menopausal brain makes it perfectly plausible, She may have said something, and I just wasn't paying attention.

SUSIE                      :          Aha! So you admit it!

JANEY                    :            What?  That I am menopausal?  I've never kept it a secret. It must be obvious, anyway, there'd be no point in trying to keep it a secret. 

SUSIE                      :          No, I guess not.  So, let's have a think.  Do you know what she's been doing the last couple of days?  Last time we spoke, I was  explaining how we were going to protect the pot plants from Parks & Gardens, and she had a visitor. 

JANEY                    :            Who?

SUSIE                      :          She didn't say, she just hung up. 

JANEY                    :            Ok. 

SUSIE.:                                  Yes.  I don't suppose--

JANEY :                                 Oh! Susie! Darling I've just had a brilliant idea!

SUSIE.:                                  Oh goodie.  D'you know, Mum, you sound just like Gran!

JANEY:                                  I do?  Do I sound Australian?                     

SUSIE:                                   No, not in that way. Just - you know - the 'brilliant idea' thing'!  That's what Gran says all the time.                     

JANEY  :                                Oh yes, of course she does. Well, it might not be as brilliant as her ideas, but it's worth a try. I'm going to phone Jennifer, and see if she's seen Mum. Now, before I forget. Bye darling.

SUSIE :                                  Oh well now that is a good idea. Bye Mum.  Let me know what you find out.  Love you.

                                    DIAL TONE.  LANDLINE PHONE RINGS.

JENNIFER                Hello? 

JANEY                    Hi Jennifer, it's Janey Alexander here. Sorry to bother you

JENNIFER                Oh hello Janey. No bother at all.  What can I do for you?

JANEY                      Well, I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but I don't suppose you've seen my mother around lately?

JENNIFER                :           Yesterday.  She came out to visit Nana at the Hospice?

JANEY                      :         It's just -- she's not answering her phone. Or responding to our messages. And I don't want her to think I'm checking up on her.  I've learned my lesson there.

JENNIFER                :         Oh!

JANEY :                                 Oh yes.  I know, I was a bit. Well, quite a lot actually, obsessive during the pandemic, and she forbad me to phone her more than once every other day.  But we are in day 3 now, and--

JENNIFER                :         And you're concerned about her.  Well, that's understandable.  She can be quite naughty, sometimes, can't she?

JANEY                      :         Oh you said it. Quite naughty.  I'd say extremely annoying, but then she probably says the same about me.  But what can I do? I do worry, you know.  But I really don't want to be annoying.

JENNIFER                :         Well, she wasn't in when the Postie came round this morning. Tell you what, Janey.  I'll try again in a couple of hours, and if she's still not back, maybe you could come over and we'll look inside. But she'll probably be home by then. What do you think?

JANEY                      :         Yes. Alright then.  I'll wait.  That's very kind of you Jennifer.  Oh! how is your grandmother, by the way.  Is she quite comfortable in the hospice?

JENNIFER               :           Oh yes, they are very good with her. She was telling me she's going to adopt the young male nurse who looks after her in the evenings.

JANEY                      :         Oh my goodness  [FADE OUT]

OUTRO:                                And that was Episode 5, "Never Mind Wally, Where's Helen?". Written and performed by me, Flloyd Kennedy. Back in the days when we used to write letters to each other, there was a genre of writing known as "Epistolatory", in which the whole thing was a series of letters.  This one was a series of phone calls and messages, I wonder what the word is for that... Telephonatory? Doesn't sound half as glamorous, does it. How was it for you?  Did it work?  I'd so love to know. Please drop a comment at amIoldyet.com/reviews, or rate and review it in whichever podcast app you just listened to now! I really can't begin to tell you how important it is to me, to keep me motivated to keep on keeping on doing this, that I hear from you, to know if I'm doing ok, or could be doing it better. Maybe one day I'll write a whole podcast series which is nothing but phone calls and messages.  Or has someone done that already?  Probably. Meantime, big thanks to those of you who are donating, contributing towards the production costs involved in bringing this to your ears.  Thank you so very, very,  very much, especially Scott, Joanna and Jane. And now, for the Epilogue...

EPILOGUE

DOOR UNLOCKING. FOOTSTEPS.

Janey                      Mum?  Mu-um?

Susie                      Gran?  Are you here Gran? .... Mum, I'll look upstairs.

Janey                      Yes, thank you darling. - oh!

Susie                      What?

Janey                      Her phone.  Her phone is here!   She must be here!

Susie                      hang on. [RUNNING UPSTAIRS]. Gran? 

Janey                      Is she there?

Susie                      What?

Janey                      I said, is she there?  Is she alright? Susie! Shall I call an ambulance?

Susie                      No.  No mum [COMING DOWNSTAIRS]. She's not here..

Janey                      [PANICKING]   Oh no!  What's happened to her! Susie!  We'll have to call the policE

BUZZING SOUND

Susie                      What's that noise?

Janey                      What?  What noise?

Susie                      Something is vibrating.  It's not my phone.  Is it yours?

Janey                      What?  Is it my what?

Susie                      Your phone, Mum.  Where is your phone?

Janey                      Oh. My phone.  It's in my handbag. 

Susie                      I think it's ringing.  Is it on silent?

Janey                      Oh.  Oh dear

SOUND OF HANDBAG CONTENTS BEING EMPTIED ONTO THE FLOOR

 There it is. You answer it.

Susie                      Hello?  Who is this?

Helen                     Is that you Janey?  You sound like Susie

Susie                      It is Susie, Gran. It's Gran, Mum.

Janey                      Oh thank goodness.  Is she alright? Where is she?

Susie                      Are you alright, Gran?  Where are you? Why did you leave your phone in the flat?

Helen                     Oh, I had to leave in a hurry. And to be honest, I just did'N t even think of it at the time. Are you alright?  You sound a bit flustered.

Susie                      Well we have been - concerned, that we couldn't' get through to you. So we... we just dropped by, to see if everything was alright, see if you needed anything.

Janey                      Where is she!!!  Mum!!!  Where are you?  Can we come and pick you up.

Helen                     Oh. Is your mother in a tizz?  Susie?  Do you want to put her on?

Susie                      I don't think that's a very good idea. Wait till she's calmed down a it.  Just tell me where you are, Gran.

Helen                     You'll never believe it.!

Susie                      Try me.

Helen                     I'm in Greece!!

Janey                      Where is she?

Susie                      She's in Greece

Janey                      She's in Greece?  What on earth is she doing in Greece? 

END