Going Potty over Plants

EPISODE 4 - Going Potty over Pot Plants

FLLOYD:                               Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents "Am I Old Yet?" an audio fiction comedy podcast written and produced by me, Flloyd Kennedy. I've been acting (acting the goat, my mother used to say) since I was a very small child, and also writing, and nowadays I put it all into this fabulous medium of audio entertainment, theatre of the mind,  people are starting to call it. Now then, where were we?  Ah yes, Helen has had the brilliant idea of providing potted fruit plants to homeless people living on the street pavements near where she lives. She provides the pots with soil in them, and Demeter, the Goddess of Nature, provides the plants. Sounds like a great plan, doesn't it? Ok, we shall see...

NEWS STING

Dafydd:                                  Thank you very much Minister, for coming in to the studio today.  And now, back to Josie Harkins for that report on the... guerrilla plantings that are popping up around homeless people in the south west of the city. Are you there Josie?

OUTDOORS

JOSIE:                                   Yes, Dafydd, sorry about that. We were interrupted by a council official. He seemed to think we were part of whoever's been setting up what are apparently mini mobile gardens.

Dafydd:                                  How do you mean?

JOSIE:                                   Well, potted plants suddenly appeared next to homeless people living on the streets, in this particular area. Now, this council official didn't want to be identified, but he did agree to be interviewed. And here's what he had to say.

JOSIE:                                   [ON TAPE]. Thank you for agreeing to talk to Radio London. I understand these mini mobile gardens, or -

 PARKS & GARDENS:        You mean potted plants?

JOSIE:                                   Yes, these plant pots have appeared quite suddenly. Is that right?

PARKS & GARDENS:         Yes, And it's not right. They have no right to place these things anywhere they like.         Creating an obstruction on the pavements.

JOSIE:                                   It doesn't look to me as if there's an obstruction.  It's just a couple of pot plants next to the homeless gentleman's blanket. Not taking up any more room than if he had a dog.

PARKS & GARDENS:         That's not the point, though. Is it?  It's not a dog. It's like a garden.

JOSIE:                                   A mini mobile garden.

PARKS & GARDENS:         I suppose so. Like he's setting up house and making a garden for himself. On the pavement. You're not supposed to grow plants on the pavement. 

JOSIE:                                   Is there a law against it?  Is there a regulation?

PARKS & GARDENS:         I'm waiting for head office to get back to me on that.  But it was the police who contacted us, and asked if we knew anything about it. So maybe there is a law, public nuisance or something.

JOSIE:                                   So are you saying, pot plants would count as a public nuisance. 

PARKS & GARDENS:         Well they might...

JOSIE:                                   But aren't you in favour of plants? Are you anti plant?  In the Gardens and Plants department?

PARKS & GARDENS:         Parks and Gardens! Yes, but plants in the parks. Or in a proper garden. Not just anywhere, on the street, or on the pavement!

JOSIE:                                   I see. So what are you going to do?

PARKS & GARDENS:         I'm going to have to detain them.

JOSIE:                                   You mean you're going to take them away. Without asking the owner?

PARKS & GARDENS:         Well, there's nobody here. They've been abandoned, haven't they?

JOSIE:                                   They don't look abandoned to me. They look very healthy, very well cared for. Strawberries, and... what are those green ones?

PARKS & GARDENS:         Gooseberries.

JOSIE:                                   And there's one pot with a tomato plant, lots of lovely tomatoes about to ripen, and what looks like... lettuce, or maybe rocket? growing under it.

PARKS & GARDENS:         Definitely rocket.

JOSIE:                                   So if you just take them away, isn't that stealing?

PARKS & GARDENS:         What?  No!  I'm just doing my job!  We have to maintain the - the - the integrity, the balance of what grows where. That's what my department does. Integrity. Balance.  That's it.  That's all I've got to say.

JOSIE:                                   Thank you very much.  [BACK IN THE STUDIO]. And that was the end of the interview. But the homeless gentleman came along at that point, and... although he declined to be interviewed, he did manage to persuade Mr Parks & Gardens to go away, and check with his head office, before he started removing them.

DAFYDD:                              And Josie, did you get any information about where these plants are coming from?

JOSIE:                                   Not at all.  They seem to turn up when nobody is around. But the really strange thing is, Dafydd,  they arrive as seedlings, and then-- they seem to grow at - well.. at a much faster rate than you would expect.Like--Overnight! So they are providing some much needed-- and free! fresh, organic food for these people who find themselves living on the streets.

Dafydd:                                  And I understand this is happening all over south west London?

JOSIE:                                   Yes. And possibly even further afield. My colleagues in north of the river are starting to see them as well.

Dafydd:                                  So... these people might be homeless, but they are going to be getting their five a day!

JOSIE:                                   Absolutely. All the plants are either fruit, or salad. And their crops are ready to harvest very quickly, it's quite extraordinary.

Dafydd:                                  Well well well!  That was Josie Harkins, our roving reporter, with -  I'd say we can call it a 'good news story'.  Wouldn't you say, Margaret?

MARGARET:                        I'd call it that.

DAFYDD:                              And can you top it  up with some good news about the weather?

MARGARET:                        Well, maybe not so much good, Dafydd, but it's not all bad.  There's a warm front coming in off the Atlantic...

MUSIC STING

HELEN'S PHONE RINGING

HELEN:                                  Hi Susie.

SUSIE:                                   Hi Gran.

HELEN:                                  Susie, did you did you hear on the news about the Parks and Gardens people objecting to the pot plants we've been putting around?

SUSIE.   :                              Oh, yes. Mum asked me to put some around over here. I'm assuming that was you and Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, your new best friend, getting that set up?

HELEN:                                  You're not wrong. Yes. And talk about unintended consequences. I wasn't expecting Parks and Gardens to get involved.

SUSIE.   :                              No, it's pretty appalling. Really the attitude! But don't worry about it. We're on to it.

HELEN    :                             We? who's we?

SUSIE.   :                              Oh, well. I got in touch with some mates from uni. And-- you know, the.. the climate change campaigner mob. And, and so we're going to -- it's all organised. We split up into groups, and we're going to stand guard and beat them off.  if necessary.

HELEN:                                  Oh, goodness. No, don't do that. No violence, please. That's not a good idea.

SUSIE   :                                No, I'm joking. But you know what I mean? No, we'll just go and have a chat with the people there, stand around and -- casually --and, and make sure that nothing, nothing happens and if it does, we'll all have cameras at the ready to photograph and video. That's what's happening.

HELEN  :                               Oh, okay. Oh, well, sounds like you've got it under control as much as anything is ever under control these days.  Ok, that's good. Good. Oh, and don't forget to drop over for coffee or come over for lunch.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

Oh, someone at the door.  Bye darling, Talk soon.

FOOTSTEPS, OPENING DOOR.

 HELEN:                                Hello, hello. Oh, Demeter!

DEMETER :                          Good day,  Helen,  Is this a good time? Are you busy?

HELEN:                                  No, no, no, Not at all. Thanks for coming over so quickly.  

DEMETER. :                         Is everything alright? Your message seemed urgent

HELEN:                                  Oh, not really. It's just that we seem to have stirred up and bit of a hornet's nest with the authorities.  Apparently, the town council doesn't think there should be plants in public places unless they put them there. Seems a little bit short-sighted don't you think?

DEMETER. :                         Oh, yes. But that is what happens when you get into one of these bureaucratic organisations, isn't it?

HELEN:                                  Oh, you're right there. Bureaucracy has a lot to answer for-- it's a great word to say, isn't it? Bureaucracy?

DEMETER :                          I suppose.

HELEN :                                Coffee? Or tea?

 DEMETER :                         Coffee please.

HELEN :                                How do you like it?

DEMETER :                          I have it any way at all. Whatever your machine is set up for, I would love that one.

HELEN :                                Right. Make yourself comfortable, I won't be a moment.

CROCKERY. COFFEE MACHINE.

HELEN :                                [CALLING FROM THE KITCHEN] And you, Demeter, how are you getting on?

DEMETER :                          I'm good. Every year, Persephone comes home to me. I get to bring the plants to grow and then to the harvest. It's a great joy. To be able to create over and over every year. Nothing can stop me. That gives me great pleasure.

HELEN:                                  But it must be a bit of a worry, with a climate change and the shift in temperatures, and conditions.You know?  Different plants having to adapt and grow in different places.

 DEMETER :                         But that is the thing. We adapt. They adapt. The plants adapt. It is evolution, this is how it works. Some will die out, some will survive, even thrive in different places. Life goes on, and death goes on. It's all good. The Circle of Life isn't that right?

FOOTSTEPS

HELEN:                                  Oh yeah. Good point. Here you are. Let me know if you'd like more milk.

DEMETER :                          Thank you. This is perfect.

HELEN :                                So how far do you think we can take this pot planting thing? I've been hearing that the people who do guerrilla planting--

DEMETER :                          Gorilla planting?  Do they dress up in gorilla suits?

HELEN :                                No... Guerrilla, as in ah, how to describe it, ummm.  Like a kind of warfare, battle tactics, where they hide out in the jungle and attack without any warning.

DEMETER :                          That's sounds terrifying.

HELEN:                                  Yes, but it isn't. They've just co-opted the word, to describe how they find some empty, abandoned piece of ground in the city and take it over without any warning, and plant it up, without asking for permission.  It's great really.

DEMETER :                          Oh.. I see.

 HELEN :                               The word is they are very keen to get hold of some of our potted plants, because of the way they grow to maturity really quickly. They want to find out what are the species of these plants so that they can have some and so... I'm thinking of you know, maybe meeting up with some of them and it would be wonderful if you were  with me.

DEMETER :                          Oh, I am not sure. my English is not so good and my accent might be hard for them to understand. And I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I think I would want to dissuade them, because we don't want to foster growing fast maturing plants everywhere. We want normal growing plants. I just did this special thing for the homeless people, because they don't have time to wait. They need the food now.

HELEN :                                Yes, I see what you mean.  Hmm.. This might be a bit of a challenge. Okay. But...How about if you... if you did let them take samples, maybe some seeds from the fast growing ones. And then you arranged for them to not grow fast.

DEMETER :                          Oh, oh, I see. Oh, of course. So no problem. They just discover maybe something to do with the soil or something that when the plants... they don't mature. So fast. Oh, I knew, Helen. I knew you would have the right idea,  Okay, I agree. We'll do that.

HELEN :                                Okay, all right. Well, Oh!  there is cake, you know. Would you like some?

DEMETER :                          Oh, lovely. Thank you.

END SCENE

FLLOYD:                               That was Episode 4 of Season 10. You heard Edward Donnelly as Dafydd our Welsh radio new presenter, Frances Broudie Oldridge as Josie Harkins, roving reporter, and Wayne Stuart-Cole making his audio drama debut as our Parks & Gardens official.  And I played Helen, as usual, along with Susie and Demeter.If you've enjoyed listening to this episode, I hope you'll take a moment to tell your friends, spread the word?  And maybe even drop a tip into our virtual tip cup over at buymeacoffee.com/amIoldyet. You can leave as little as £1 or $1. More if you can afford it. I'd be most grateful. Thanks for listening. Stay safe - and stick around for the Epilogue...

EPILOGUE

HELEN :                                More coffee, Demeter?

DEMETER :                          Oh, Helen! I almost forgot - I have a message for you. Hera has a plan.

HELEN:                                  Oh, should I be worried?

DEMETER :                          No. I think it's a good plan. Some fun. She wants to take you to visit Greece, if you are free to travel. I said I would  mention it to you because I was coming over this way to to take on the planting program.

HELEN :                                Right! She wants to take me -- I've never been to Greece. Well that does sound exciting.

ED AND FLLOYD CHATTING ABOUT ACCENTS

ED :                                        I think you were saying about the sort of--  . Why it's not facts? I think because with  the Welsh they say--they say consonants so it's not hard to sort of-- cos a lot of accents  like they don't bother with consonants as much so they  highlight the consonants, so maybe I don't know just that's what I'm  thinking maybe

FLLOYD :                              Oh no, no. That, that works for me. [LAUGHTER]

ED :                                        So was that the better of the--the other...

FLLOYD:                               Oh, I wouldn't say better. Different.

ED :                                        Yeah difference. Yeah. No, when I was doing the Welsh I was thinking maybe, should have been something like a north Wales like when I was from.

FLLOYD :                              No, I think that was lovely.

ED :                                        Have you explored much of North Wales Do you know much of North Wales? No?

FLLOYD :                              No, I haven't at all.

ED :                                        It's worth while.

FLLOYD :                              Yeah. Now, I'll stop recording there...