Feathered Friends

Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents: "Am I old yet?" Audio fiction comedy with a difference. Our aging heroine shared senior moments, family relationships and adventures. Entertaining and a wee bit provocative. In Season 6, some ancient Greek deities chose her to save the planet if she only knew what her superpower was. And here we are in Season 9! Enjoy...

Episode 3 "Feathered Friends." Now, we've already discovered that Zeus is not impressed with his children's interference with the mortals, and we now discover that he and Hera have arrived in London to do something about it. Oh, my goodness. How's Helen going to cope with this? I suspect she's going to cope just fine.

EPISODE 3  

Feathered Friends

SCENE 1 - ON THE BUS

HERA:                                    Zeus!  Zeus!! Wake up!

ZEUS:                                    Hmmph?  What?  Are we there yet?

HERA:                                    I think this is our stop coming up. Driver! Stop here please!!

DARLENE:                            Excuse me! You can’t talk to the driver! You have to ring the bell.

HERA:                                    There is a bell?  Where is the bell?

DARLENE:                            The button for the bell. Here. [SHE PUSHES THE BUTTON. SIGNAL DINGS] I’ve done it for you.

ZEUS:                                    What is she saying?  Hera!  What is she saying?  Did we do something wrong?

HERA:                                    No! She is just helping us. Come on. Thank you!  Come ON!  We have to get off here. [SHE IS MOVING DOWN THE BUS. 

                                                Excuse me. Excuse me please. SHE TURNS BACK]

Zeus!!! Zeussie-pie.  Come on, darling. 

DARLENE:                            [LAUGHING] Ha ha! Zeus!! His name is Zeus, can you believe it?

ERIC:                                     What? Like the Greek God?

DARLENE:                            Yeah.  And her name is Hera! Just like the Queen of the Gods.  How sweet is that. Dear old couple like that. 

THEIR VOICES FACE AWAY AS HERA AND ZEUS CLATTER OUT OF THE BUS’.

SCENE 2: 

Helen arrives home from the family holiday in the Lake District

FOOTSTEPS COMING UP  STAIRS, SUITCASE BANGING AND WHEELING ALONG

JENNIFER:                           Helen!  You just getting back from your holiday?

HELEN:                                  Indeed I am. Good to see you, Jennifer. You ok?

JENNIFER:                           Oh yes. We’re doing ok. Was it a good holiday?

HELEN:                                  Good enough. Oh, that sounds so measly.  It was lovely, the Lake District is beautiful. 

JENNIFER :                          Your daughter does know how to look after you.

HELEN:                                  Oh yes. Janey—and Jonathan—they spoilt me rotten, taking me out for lovely meals, driving me around to look at all the views. And not making me climb up mountains with them. So I did get some time to myself while they did all that stuff with Susie and Charlie.

JENNIFER:                           Any news on that front?

HELEN:                                  What? Engagement news?  No sign.  

JENNIFER:                           Well, that’s the way of it with young people these days, isn’t it?

HELEN:                                  How about you? Oh Jenny I wanted to say, that was such a lovely funeral. You did your Mum proud.

JENNIFER:                           Thank you.  Yes, we were very pleased with how it went. 

HELEN:                                  And your grandmother?  How is Nana coping? It must be so hard, her own daughter, going before her. 

JENNIFER:                           She’s coping really well, bless her.  She says “well, she was an old woman, it was her time”. 

HELEN:                                  Oh my goodness. Well, in a way, I know what she means. Your mother became really old, in that frail sense, quite quickly, didn’t she?  

JENNIFER :                          Yes, she really did. It was after she had that fall. She was so tired, you know? She sort of gave up?

HELEN:                                  Whereas Nana Madeleine, coming up for 103, and she’s not old yet!  Not in that way.

JENNIFER:                           Yes.  We’re very lucky. Well, welcome home, come in for a cuppa when you get settled. She’d love to see you. Just knock when you’re ready.

HELEN PUTS KEY IN THE LOCK AND OPENS THE DOOR

HELEN:                                  Will do. Thank you. 

CLOSING DOOR, DRAGGING SUITCASE INSIDE. 

SCENE 3. 

PHONE RINGS

HELEN:                                  Oh, for goodness sake, let me get my breath. Okay. Oh, Susie!  Hi darling. 

SUSIE:                                   Hi Gran, where are you? 

HELEN:                                  I'm just in the door. 

SUSIE:                                   Oh really? You took your time. 

HELEN:                                  Well I did stop to have a chat with Jennifer in the corridor. Is that allowed?

SUSIE:                                   Oh well that's lovely. Is she ok?

HELEN:                                  She's good.  She’s good… What can I do for you? 

SUSIE:                                   Oh, I was just checking up on you. 

HELEN:                                  Checking up on me?  Right. Is that good? I'm not too sure I like the sound of that. My granddaughter checking up on me. Oh! Is this supposed to be mutual? Am I supposed to be checking up on you?

SUSIE:                                   Gran you know perfectly well, you check up on me all the time. 

HELEN:                                  Do I? 

SUSIE:                                   Oh yes. In the nicest possible way. Even Charlie’s noticed it. 

HELEN:                                  Good grief. Whoa, well, he's a very observant young man. 

SUSIE:                                   Yes, I suppose so.

HELEN:                                  Right. 

SUSIE:                                   So what are you doing for the rest of the day? 

HELEN:                                  Well, I'm going to have a nice homecoming coffee with the neighbours, if that’s allowed?

SUSIE:                                   You mean Jennifer and Nana Madeleine

HELEN:                                  Yes, and Harry if he's around. And then I'm going to go out and buy some vegetables to have for dinner because the fridge is empty. Then I'm going to cook my dinner— 

SUSIE:                                   Oh, good. Good. So you're, you're off. You're organised. 

HELEN:                                  Yes. What's going on? 

SUSIE:                                   Oh, nothing…

HELEN:                                  What kind of nothing? Come on

SUSIE:                                   Mmmm I just I just wondered if you’d mind if um - I come over and stay with you tonight. 

HELEN:                                  Of course. Anytime. You don’t have to ask, you’ve got your own key. Just let me know.. And you did! 

SUSIE:                                   Oh, oh, that's lovely. Right. Well, I'll see you later. 

DIAL TONE

HELEN:                                  Interesting…. Now, where is that phone number?

CLICKING OF PHONE BUTTONS. 

SCENE 4 MOIRA’S PHONE.

MOIRA:                                  Hello, Moira McGinty here.

HELEN:                                  Oh, Dr McGinty, it’s Helen Docherty here. Your father, Dr Shrodinger,  gave me your number.  I hope you don’t mind?

MOIRA:                                  Not at all. I’ve been expecting your call. Dad said you needed some help to contact local councillors around the country?

HELEN:                                  Yes. He said this was your area of research, and you might be able to put me in touch with the right people?

MOIRA:                                  I can try. I’ve spent the past two years looking into the statistics around local councils' budgets.  So I have been in touch with quite a few people in that area.  Anything in particular you’re after?

HELEN:                                  I need to speak to people who are possibly planning to do new plantings. You know, converting waste ground into wildflower meadows, or planting trees to make areas more liveable.  Know what I mean?

MOIRA:                                  Oh yes. Interesting. Well, I can draw up a list, and send it to you. But it might be better if we could meet up, and I could chat with you privately, off the record, so to speak. I’ve… had - eh - dealings with quite a few of these folk, and some of them can be a wee bit tricky… shall we say? Touchy, if you know what I mean.  Politicians, especial local ones, they all have their own axe to grind, in a manner of speaking.

HELEN:                                  I know exactly what you mean.  Your place or mine? 

MOIRA:                                  I’m happy to come to you.  10 am Saturday?

HELEN:                                  Perfect!

BUS DOORS CLOSE, IT DRIVES OFF. STREET SOUNDS AND CHILDREN PLAYING.

SCENE 5

ZEUS:                                    Now where are we? 

HERA:                                    Hermes said it was a tall building on Strathfibre Road, near a park.

ZEUS:                                    Stupid boy. 

HERA:                                    You said it!  Took you long enough to realise it. Now.  However do these mortals find their way around? All these streets going this way and that. Two lanes, four lanes, eight lanes! Cars, buses, trucks it’s a madness! Why do they choose to live like this?

ZEUS:                                    Don’t ask me. It’s beyond any understanding, if you ask me.

HERA:                                    You just said not to ask you.

ZEUS:                                    Exactly. Don’t ask me. 

HERA:                                    Alright I won’t.

ZEUS:                                    Because I don’t know.

HERA:                                    That’s what you said already.

ZEUS:                                    Did I?  I don’t remember actually saying it

HERA:                                    You said it was beyond understanding.

ZEUS:                                    I did?  I don’t remember saying those words.

HERA:                                    Well I do! So you said them. Now can we please get a move on? It was your idea to speak to this Helen woman, 

ZEUS:                                    Yes, I know that. We have to stop her before she does any more damage—

HERA:                                    What do you mean more damage? She hasn't done any damage. it's your son Hermes and those sisters of his. They have caused this trouble.

ZEUS:                                    He’s your son too. 

HERA:                                    Excuse me! Stepson!  

ZEUS:                                    Oh alright, stepson. And those girls, your STEP-daughters, whom you raised, have both learned your stubbornness, wilfully going off with their wild ideas.

HERA:                                    They were trying to help. You know that perfectly well.

ZEUS:                                    Hmmph.  

SOUND OF CHILDREN SHOUTING NEARBY

CHILD 1:                                Me! Me! Get it to me!

CHILD 2:                                Well catch it this time!

ZEUS:                                    What was the address again?  I can see a couple of tall buildings over the way.

HERA:                                    92 Strathfibre Road.

ZEUS:                                    Good. You remembered the number. Right-ee-oh. I’ll take a look. 

HE TRANSFORMS INTO A BUZZARD AND TAKES OFF.

CHILD 1:                                Woh!  Did you see that! 

CHILD 1:                                Yes. That’s a buzzard. Look!

CHILD 2:                                Don’t be stupid. It’s a crow. You don’t get buzzards in London.

MINA (HOMELESS WOMAN):       Who you calling stupid?  You stupid!

CHILD 2:                                Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean you.

MINA:                                     You better not.  You better not go round calling people stupid. That was a buzzard. I know a buzzard when I see one. 

CHILD 1:                                Me too. I saw one on the Telly. That photographer fellow, he was on Strictly. He says you can get them here.

CHILD 2:                                I still think it was just a crow. Hey lady?

HERA:                                    Me?

CHILD 2:                                She reckons she saw a buzzard. You don’t get buzzards in London, do ya?

HERA:                                    Oh yes.  I saw it too. Flew over that way, towards the tall buildings. Definitely a buzzard. I’ve seen it many times.

MINA:                                     Told you.

CHILD 1:                                See! 

CHILD 2:                                Really? Wow. That’s amazing. Come on, let’s get over to Strathfibre Road, see if we can spot it again.

HERA:                                    Good idea. I’m going that way too.

CHILD 2:                                Come on then. Let’s do it!

HERA:                                    Wait for me! I can’t run in these stupid shoes.  

CHILD 2:                                Oh alright.

HERA:                                    Why was that woman lying down on the pavement?  Is she ill?

CHILD 1:                                No. That’s just Mina. She lives there. 

HERA:                                    What?  All the time?

CHILD 1:                                Sure.  She’s homeless!

HERA:                                    Homeless!  Well I never, whatever next… These mortal people…

CHILD AND OLD WOMAN FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT FADING OUT

Flloyd:                You've been listening to Season 9, Episode 3 of "Am I Old Yet?" The cast was as follows:

Wendy Lap played Hera, Child 2, and Moira McGinty.  Ira Seidenstein played Zeus.  Roy Carruthers was Eric, the man on the bus.  Sarah Golding was Darlene, the bus lady, and she also played Child 1 and Mina the homeless lady.  Helen, Jennifer and Susie were all played by me, Flloyd Kennedy.  The music you hear is by John T La Barbera, from his album "In the Labyrinth".  

You'll find all the other information in the show notes. Links to share the podcast with your mates, and also a link to contribute (if you can) to our fundraising campaign to pay the actors - because they're worth it. Until next time, that's next week, thanks for listening.