Ep 4 Family Feuds

Flloyd

Thunder's Mouth Theater presents: "Am I old yet?: A coming of age audio fiction comedy drama with a difference broadcast, or as some would say, narrowcast via the podcasting medium. This is Season 8, Episode 4. Rene has some good news. The Greek goddess Demeter and her daughter Persephone are worried about Hermes. But in the meantime, somewhere on Mount Olympus.

Zeus

Honey, I'm home. Hera, darling. It's me, your beloved Zeussie-pie. I'm back. Where are you? There you are. What are you doing in the kitchen?

Hera

What do you think I'm doing? I'm cooking. That's what you do in kitchens, isn't it? Oh, I'm so sorry. It's been so long since you were in a kitchen. You've probably forgotten.

Zeus

That's a bit mean, isn't it? I've only been away for, what, a few months, a year or so?

Hera

How about 400 years or so? Where have you been? No, don't bother. I don't have time to listen to you.

Flloyd

Have you seen the children lately?

Hera

No. Why would you care?

Zeus

Children? They are big enough and ugly enough to do what they like. They always have been. Why? What have they done now?

Hera

Oh, so you don't know! You have no idea how they have been interfering with the mortals again?

Zeus

No, don't tell me that. I forbade it.

Hera

Oh, you and your forbading. As if that ever made a difference. You spoiled them. You let them get away with such bad behavior. It's all your fault.

Zeus

My fault? Excuse me. You're the mother. You are supposed to teach them good behavior.

Hera

How could I when their father models such bad behavior to them?

Zeus

Honey, I wasn't so bad, really. It was just a bit of fun now and then. But we had fun too, eh? You and me. What's for dinner?

Hera

Don't you what's-for-dinner me. There'll be no dinner for you until you sort out whatever nonsense Artemis and Demeter,

Zeus

Both of them?

Hera

and Hermes, have been up.

Zeus

No, not Hermes.

Hera

Your wee boy. Your favorite. Yes, Hermes. You need to sort him out now.

Zeus

But, baby, I'm hungry.

Hera

Too bad. Off you go. [MUSIC. HELEN'S PHONE RINGS]

Helen

Yes. Rene.? What's up?

Rene

Oh, Mrs. D, I'm so glad you picked up. Tried Mum and dad, but they're not answering. Mrs. D, I got the job.

Helen

Oh, you mean the Callback audition? Oh, you got the part.

Rene

Yes.

Helen

Right.

Rene

So they got me to do my monologue again, and then they asked me to wait. So then after a while, they called me back in and to do some more stuff with the director, and then I had to wait. Well, they said I got the job. I'm going to be in "Kidnapped"!

Helen

Wow. Kidnapped? Robert Louis Stevenson. Playing whom? Long John Silver, I presume.

Rene

No, Mrs. D. Oh,

Helen

Why not you'd be great. Have to have your leg amputated, of course. But you're a professional, eh? Anything for your art, of course.

Rene

But I don't need to. It's not "Treasure Island". It's "Kidnapped" Same author, different book. Yeah, so I'm playing, you know, the actual lead. Well, sort of.

Helen

Well, that is just wonderful. Congratulations.

Rene

Thanks.

Helen

When do you start working on it?

Rene

Couple of weeks.

Helen

And where?

Rene

I'm not sure where we'll be, but the main stuff will be in London.

Helen

And you'll be needing digs.

Rene

Sure will.

Helen

Say no more, young man. My place it is. I've always got salad in the fridge.

Rene

Oh, goody. I love salad so much. [THEME MUSIC. }

Janey

Wondering if you'd like to come over or lunch on Thursday. You know, John's parents are here from Australia and they're looking forward to meeting up with you.

Helen

Oh, well, I am, too, but oh, Thursday. I can't do Thursday. Sorry, darling. I've been summoned to a meeting.

Janey

Anything exciting?

Helen

Oh, yeah. It's all excitement over here. It's the Greeks. There seems to be something troubling them anyway. And they well, they said they wanted to fill me in, as it were. They mean that in a good way. So, yeah. Sorry, darling.

Janey

Where are you having this meeting? How are you getting?

Helen

Oh, it's just by the cafe around the corner. They like coffee. You know Greeks. They like coffee, too. Although they drink it in those tiny little cups and it tastes like sludge. But that's only when they're in Greece. And I'm sure they know how to drink ordinary coffee as well. They are world travelers, you know. Yes, I'm sure they are.

Janey

Oh, well, that's fine. And is Rene going with you?

Helen

Well, no. Actually, he's going to be measured up for his costumes for this new TV series that he's got himself involved in.

Janey

Oh, my goodness. That's terribly exciting.

Helen

Yes, it is, rather. It's quite delightful for him.

Janey

But, Mum, I thought we agreed you wouldn't go out alone. Not for a while, anyway.

Helen

Well, it has been a while. No one's recognized me. Oh, did I tell you the new girl at the cafe thought Rene was my carer?

Janey

No. Oh. What did you say?

Helen

Janey, you would have been proud of me. I just sucked it up and let it go. But I did mention it to Ilse, and you'll never guess what.

Janey

You're quite right. I won't.

Helen

She said my new haircut made me look a bit like that woman that blows stuff around.

Janey

What!

Helen

Don't worry. She thought it was terribly amusing.

Janey

Mum, if other people think—

Helen

Oh, keep your hair on, keep your hat on. What is it? I keep losing cliches. Keep your hat on. Keep your hair on. They both sound right to me. Which one is it?

Janey

I have no idea.

Helen

Of course you don't do cliches.

Janey

Do so. I love a good cliche. It never rains, but it pours. That's one of my favorites. Good as gold. Solid as a rock.

Helen

Goodness. You have a plethora at your disposal.

Janey

Is that a cliche?

Helen

Not sure. But if I use it often enough, it will be.

Janey

I should think so.

Helen

How Susie? Have you heard from her lately?

Janey

Now, Mum, that is a change of subject one too many. She's fine. But about this meeting, do you have any idea what it's about?

Helen

All I know is that it will only be the girls.

Janey

Is that good or not so good?

Helen

I have no idea. [THEME MUSIC. PARK AMBIENCE]

Demeter

Oh, Helen, there you are. I hope this is not too much trouble for you to come and to meet us here.

Helen

Not at all. It's lovely to see you, Demeter.

Demeter

Persephone is coming too, but she is late. You know these young people.

Helen

Oh, yes, I know exactly what you mean. And Hermes?

Demeter

Well, yes, that is the thing. We still don't know where he is.

Helen

Is that a problem?

Demeter

Oh maybe not. Sometimes he goes off and we don't see him for a little while. I'm not sure. This time we are a little bit concerned. There are some stories, some rumors going.

Persephone (Seffi)

Mama!

Demeter

Oh, there's Seffi!

Persephone (Seffi)

Yes, I'm here.

Demeter

Right. Well, I was just telling Helen that we don't know where Hermes is and we just want her to be aware in case he pops up.

Persephone (Seffi)

There's no news from the government here?

Helen

Well, I wasn't really expecting anything so soon. We know that they've formed a committee and they do seem to be meeting on a fairly regular basis. Whether anything's going to come out of it or not, who knows?

Persephone (Seffi)

Well, we have to wait a little while anyway. There's not a lot else we can do. We made that promise.

Helen

Well, about that.

Demeter

Yes?

Helen

I'm a little bit concerned about what we're going to do. We? You? If they don't actually come through, if they don't start putting together some kind of plan to deal with the litter and the effect it's having on climate change, what do we do?

Persephone (Seffi)

Well, I'm sure in time we'll come up with a plan while we wait for the light to change, so to speak.

Helen

Yeah, well, we're not going to hurt people or anything like that?

Demeter

No no. What we can do, you know, it's like when the Russians invade Ukraine. Everyone takes away the privilege of the power—the rich people. And we do have ways to take away some of their privileges. I'm sure you won't be too unhappy with that.

Helen

Oh, no, I like the idea of that very much. Although I'm not convinced it does the trick. All right, well, keep me informed.

Demeter

Oh, yes, well, we all will. For goodness sake, look who's here.

Hermes

Hello, ladies.

Helen

Ha. We were just talking about you. Were your ears burning?

Hermes

I'm sorry? My ears burning? Are they on fire?

Helen

Oh, it's just an expression.

Hermes

No, I see. You were talking about me.

Helen

Yes, we were quite worried about you. Apparently you went missing.

Hermes

Oh, no, I wasn't missing. I knew exactly where I was.

Demeter

Well, that's so helpful.

Hermes

So, what are you up to? Having a spontaneous meeting without me?

Helen

Checking.in, making sure everyone is all right. And where have you been?

Hermes

Well, I've been chasing up some interesting developments, shall we say. You know, I have cousins from different cultures around the world.

Helen

Cousins? Oh, you mean fellow tricksters messengers.

Hermes

That's exactly what I mean, Helen. Yes, my African cousin Anansi. And then my Scandinavian cousin Loki. They've been communicating, shall we say, with each other, and I got to hear about it. So I got myself invited to join the gang.

Helen

Oh, now, they're all aren't. They all Disruptors of the ancient world, interfering and upsetting people's plans and things.

Demeter

Oh, yes, that is their job description.

Hermes

Indeed. You're right, my sister. And it seems they are trying to disrupt our plans. They have been contacted in secret by some very rich and very powerful people who are not happy with what we are trying to do.

Helen

Now, why does that not surprise me?

Hermes

I have a plan.

Persephone (Seffi)

Uh oh.

Hermes

Oh, so young and so cynical.

Helen

I trust you.

Hermes

And I value your trust, Helen. I do. Leave it with me. Thank you. [THEME MUSIC]

Flloyd

That was Season 8, Episode 4. The cast included Christopher McDougall as Rene and as Hermes, Ira Seidenstein as Zeus, and me as pretty much everyone else. The theme music, as usual, is John T LaBarbera's "In the Labyrinth". Now I'm working hard to get episodes 4 to 8 finalized, recorded, edited, sound designed, all of that stuff, so that I'll be able to drop the episodes on a weekly basis right through to episode 8.

But also so that I'll be able.to bundle them up into a bumper edition for anyone who's donating to help out with production costs over at patreon.com/AmIoldYet. Why don't you join the gang? Even if it's just a one off donation? I'd be most grateful, believe you me.

Right. Well, then, I'd better get on with it. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.