Welcome to Am I Old Yet? the podcast. Joining our subscriber group gives you access to occasional newsletters (approximately quarterly), with background stories about the episodes and the cast.
Picking up from where we left off at the end of Episode 3, Helen enjoys a catchup coffee with her neighbours Jennifer, Harry and Nana Madeleine, while Hera and the children try find the 'buzzard' that flew off. Zeus thinks he's so clever, but he's not the only one who can transform in the wink of an eye.
Thank you so much for your support. Please remember to spread the word, tell your friends, your grandparents, your grandchildren. You're never too young, or too old, to enjoy a silly story about what other young, and not so young any more folk might get up to, if given half a chance.
AND ANOTHER THING: check out Wendy Lap's podcast The Richard Osman Fan Club, for a very funny tale of derring-do - with me in it! https://lnns.co/HfugmUqKYeA
EPISODE 4
Divine Dilemma and a Rooftop Parley
FLLOYD Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents. Am I old yet? a coming-of-age comedy podcast with a difference. This is Episode 4 and we pick up where we left off at the end of Episode 3, with Zeus and Hera arriving off the bus somewhere in the middle of South London without a clue what they're doing. But looking for Helen while Helen is enjoying a catch up coffee with the neighbours and Joey.
SCENE 1
CUPS AND PLATES BEING PLACED ON A TABLE
JENNIFER: Would you like a biscuit, Helen? Chocolate digestives. Or I've got some custard creams if you like. Here you are, Harry.
HARRY: Thanks. My favourite.
HELEN: Lovely. Never say no to a chocolate digestive.
JENNIFER: Me too. And they are Nana's favourites too, aren't they, Nana?
NANA: Oh yes. That's the secret to my long life, you know.
HELEN: What, chocolate digestives?
NANA: You had better believe it.
WHOOSH OF LARGE BIRD FLYING PAST
CLATTER ON ROOF AS BIRD LANDS.
EVERYBODY RESPONDS AT ONCE
HELEN: What?
NANA: Oh! Oh my goodness
HARRY: What on earth?
HELEN: Did you see that? Some kind of huge bird.
NANA: Did it land on the roof? Maybe there's a nest up there.
HELEN: Surely not! In the middle of London?
JENNIFER: Well, that was the fellow on the telly, the wild life photographer, what was his name?
HARRY: Hamza.
NANA: Yes, thank you Harry! Hamza. He's the one that won Strictly Come Dancing the year before last! He was so lovely. And his prize was to create a film, so he made a documentary about birds of prey, and there were definitely some of them nesting in London.
HELEN: I'm going up there. See what I can see.
JENNIFER: Harry , you'd better go with her.
HARRY: Yep.
MUSIC
SCENE 2
STREET SOUNDS
CHILD 1: Can you see it? I can't see anything.
CHILD 2: Nah. Nothing up there. Oh, hang on! Yes! I can see it. Look, up on the roof. It's looking down - it's looking at us! Hey Mr Buzzard!!
CHILD 1: Can you see it, missus? Look, up near the water tank.
HERA: Yes! Yes I see him. You stupid, stupid--
CHILD 2: Who are you calling stupid? You calling me stupid?
HERA: No, child. Not you. That stupid idiot up there. Oh. Now. How do I get up there?
CHILD 1: In the lift, innit?
HERA: Right. In the lift. Of course. Thank you, thank you children, you have been very helpful. Goodbye. Have a nice - life? Oh look! Over there, behind you! There's a white swan.
CHILD 2: Where? Where is it? I can't see it.
BIRD FLAPPING LARGE WINGS
We can't see it lady - Oh. She's gone.. Where did she go?
SCENE 3
BIRD FLYING, THEN CLATTER OF FOOTSTEPS ON THE ROOF.
HERA: Oh you are an idiot, Zeus. Did you think nobody would see you?
ZEUS: I don't care if Mr Nobody sees me. I got here, didn't I? And this is the building.
HERA: How do you know? There are 3 tall buildings on this street.
ZEUS: Hah! I checked the number on the door. See. You didn't think of that, did you?
ZEUS: Now, we have to find out what floor, and which apartment Helen lives in.
HERA: What you mean! Apartment. This is not New York. Here in England they live in Flats. You know nothing.
METAL DOOR OPENING AND CLOSINGA SLOWLY.
ZEUS: Flats. Ten stories up in the air? What is flat about that? What a stupid name. Flats.
HELEN: Excuse me?
HARRY: Hello?
HERA: [SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH]. Yes?
HELEN: Oh, sorry. We didn't mean to startle you. I don't suppose you've seen a large bird up here?
ZEUS: A bird? Nooo. No we didn't see anything like a bird, did we my love?
HERA: No. My darling.
HELEN: Oh what a shame. We saw one fly up here, didn't we, Harry?
HARRY: We did.
HELEN: So amazing. Huge. Like a, a,
ZEUS: Buzzard. Looked like a buzzard.
HELEN: Yes! Just like a buzzard. So you did see it!
ZEUS: (Yes
HERA : No!
ZEUS: (No, we didn't see anything.
HERA : Yes, it was a buzzard.
HELEN: Right. Well I'm glad we got that sorted. Well... as long as everything's ok. Are you ok? Can I help you, at all?
HARRY: Do you live here? In the building?
HERA: No. No we are visiting.
ZEUS: Yes! Visiting.
HERA: And we came up in the lift.
ZEUS: In the lift. We came up, too far, in the lift.
HARRY: In the lift?
HERA: Yes. So good, isn't it? In the lift?
HELEN: Well. It would be, if had been working for the past 6 months. Hmmm. So you came up in the lift. That doesn't work. Something not quite right here. Now! Harry?
HARRY: Yeah?
HELEN: Call the police.
HARRY: Right you are.
HERA: Oh please no. You don't need to do that. Please, let me explain.
HELEN: I'm waiting.
HERA: We are, visiting. You see.
ZEUS: But we don't know which apartment -
HERA: Which flat, our friend is in. So we came up to the top, to start looking on the way down.
ZEUS: On the way down. Yes.
HELEN: Why wouldn't you start on the way up?
HARRY: Save yourself all those stairs?
ZEUS: Good point.
HERA: You are so very very right. That would have been the sensible thing to do. But my husband always thinks he has a better idea! Don't you, my darling?
ZEUS: We-ell. Sometimes. Sometimes I do.
HELEN: So who is your friend? Maybe I know him, her, them?
ZEUS: Oh. Of course. That would be so helpful. Thank you. Her name is Helen.
HARRY: Helen?
HERA: Helen Docherty.
HARRY But this (is Hel --
HELEN: Who wants to know?
HERA: We are friends. She is a friend of--
ZEUS: She is a friend of our son.
HELEN: And your son is?
HERA: Hermes. His name is Hermes. Your name is Helen? Perhaps you know him?
HELEN: Hermes....
GODS MUSIC THEME
Harry! It's ok.
HARRY: Really?
HELEN: Ye-es. We won't need the police. Yet. Will you tell Jenny and Nana I'll see them later this evening?
HARRY: Sure. You sure you're ok here?
HELEN: Yes. It's ok. I know who they are. I just need to find out why they are here. It's ok. See you later.
METAL DOOR OPENS, HARRY LEAVES.
Now then. The mother and the father of Hermes, the Greek God of Trickery and, and Messages, and a personal friend of mine, are on the roof of my building in the middle of London, looking for me. The actual king and queen of the gods of Greek mythology. Wow. What can I say? Am I supposed to curtsey? Should I call you Your Majesties? What? I'm, I'm just gobsmacked!
ZEUS: What is she saying? I don't understand what she is saying. Is this the right Helen? What is gob smacking? Should I know about this smacking of gobs?
HERA: It means she is lost for words, my love. Apparently, she has heard of us. And no, Helen. Please don't do any of that Royalist nonsense. We have no status whatsoever these days, not even with our own children.
ZEUS: Status! Huh! I've forgotten what that is. Nobody has any respect for their elders these days. No respect.
HERA: Oh for goodness sake. Don't start that again!
ZEUS: What?
HERA: Helen. Please. Please help me, I'm begging you. HE wants to talk to you, and I agreed to help him. So here we are. Please, can we sit down somewhere? These shoes are killing me.
HELEN: Of course. Come on, let's go down to my place and put the kettle on. Do you drink tea? Or coffee? I have both...
ZEUS: Coffee! She has coffee, Hera! I like this woman.
END OF EPISODE
FLLOYD In this week's episode, you heard Wendy Lap as Hera and Child 2, Sarah Golding as Child 1, Roy Carruthers as Harry, Ira Seidenstein as Zeus. And I played all the others. So that's Jennifer, Helen, Nana, and... nobody else but me here.
The music is from John T La Barbara's album In the Labyrinth, which is available on Bandcamp. I'd like to give a shout out— a huge thank you to everybody who's donated so far to our Crowdfunder campaign. You'll find the link to that in the show notes. I'm so delighted that so many of you have given so generously towards our goal of raising enough money to pay the actors, because they're worth it. And also possibly buy a new mic for my little home studio that I'm building up here and— Yes, I've got a cold. You're going to hear it again in the next episode because it ain't going nowhere. So thanks for listening. Stay safe
Actor
Born and raised in Liverpool, England, Roy experienced life in a variety of jobs, before he came to acting after graduating from University as a mature student at the age of thirty-eight. Previous theatre credits include: the MI5 agent in ‘By The Waters of Liverpool’ (Empire Theatre, Liverpool), as panto villains Abanazar (Dubai Media City), the Sheriff of Nottingham and King Rat (Gracie Fields Theatre, Rochdale), Tony De Vito in ‘Lennon’s Banjo’ (Epstein Theatre), Victor Franz in Arthur Miller’s ‘The Price’ (Liverpool Unity Theatre), Frank in ‘Ladies Night’, Slater in ‘Funny Money’ and Santa in ‘Night Collar’ (Royal Court Theatre, Liverpool), The Fourth Wall (Old Red Lion, Islington) and Mafioso (Hill Street Theatre, Edinburgh).
On TV he appeared in ‘Longford’ (Granada), ‘Good Cop’ (BBC TV) and as Frank in the Feature Film Sparkle (Magic Light Pictures).
Roy supplied over 50 character voices for 10 unabridged audio books of the Redwall series, by best-selling Liverpool author, Brian Jacques and can often be heard on BBC Radio 4; credits include ‘Cobwebs’ and ‘Brief Lives’, ‘The Sad Story of Jim Thorpe’, ‘William Quilliam: The Sheikh of Liverpool’ and ‘The Strange Case of Oliver Cromwell's Head’ plus two appearances on the Radio 4 show Pick of The Week.
Actor
Ira Seidenstein has worked in over 140 live productions. After working in Cirque du Soleil's Corteo he created such projects as: The Madness of King Lear (Avignon, Edinburgh); The Book of Clown (Adelaide 2017), Commedia Toto (Italy); Cubist Clown Cavalcade (Paris): A Flower of the Lips (Sydney); and directed 18 actors in the uncut Antony & Cleopatra (Sydney). He has worked in 20 Shakespeare productions including 10 of the plays such as directing Henry the Fifth with 12 women; and, 10 adaptations including his comedy A Girl's Guide to Hamlet. In 2012/13 Ira was in Slava's Snowshow in Europe and Australia. As a veteran performer he trained 6 years in Suzuki Actor Training Method and worked in ten Suzuki style productions. He has portrayed over 75 clown characters including: Corteo's White Clown, and, Dead Clown; and playing "Harlequin" over an 8 years span. He trained as an Iyengar yoga teacher, was a tumbling and comic acrobat, mime, slapstick comedian, classical actor, director, playwright, and choreographed over 200 comic sketches and slapstick acts. His Masters Degree is in Visual and Performing Arts and his Doctorate is in Education. Recently he performed for the first time in a full scale ballet as a centraI character actor. Ira Seidenstein's workshops are practical and creative use of body-mind-spirit. The practical base is physical using "The Four Articulations for Performance" (see Method). He is the Founder of ISAAC - International School for Acting And Creativity and personally mentors clowns, teachers, choreogra…
Author, Actor
Flloyd Kennedy (aka Fairy Bessie), Australian-born actress, performance poet, singer-songwriter, director and voice/speech/accent coach, took part in the British folk revival in the late 60s, performed street theatre, cabaret and fringe theatre in Scotland throughout the 1980s and 90s, returned to Australia where she undertook research into the performing voice (specifically Shakespeare) for her doctorate. She has performed, directed, and taught voice and acting skills at colleges and universities in the UK, US and Australia. Now resident in Liverpool, UK, Flloyd tours her one-person versa plays with music around the world, performs her songs and poems at open mics in and around Liverpool. She also coaches student and professional actors, private individuals and community and corporate groups through her private studio Being in Voice. She is artistic director of Thunder’s Mouth Theatre (theatre of poetry, passion and philosophy), a Certified Teacher of Knight-Thompson Speechwork and is an Associate Artist with ISAAC (International School for Acting And Clown), She has now published two collections of poetry, songs and essays, Sunsets & Kites and Home is Where I Hang My Hat. Her songs are available on Bandcamp, as well as all major online streaming services.
Voice Actor and Writer
Wendy is a freelance voiceover artist, performer and writer from Edinburgh.
She has recorded voiceovers, audiobooks, audio dramas and video games that can be heard worldwide.
Wendy writes comedy dramas for stage and audio. She has also penned a self-published book of 'Scottish Sleep Stories'.
Begin at the very beginning, with Episode 1 "Kind Like Sharon". Or pick it up at Season 6, which is the beginning of Helen's life as a Super Hero!
