Episode 3

Flloyd

Thunder's Mouth Theater presents Am I Old Yet? a coming of age, totally fictitious story with a difference. This is a coming of old age story in which the Chosen One is not a shy, misunderstood teenager. But no, she's a grandmother, not far off her 80th birthday, and she's not all that happy about it all the time, but she has friends who understand, sort of, with whom she can share some of her concerns. Now, in this episode we also introduce two new actors to the TMT ensemble. Matthew Field, bringing the dastardly Minister for the Environment and Food Production, the Right Honourable (as if) Jonas Scillily to life, and Frankii Phoenix as his newly appointed but already long suffering secretary.

Now, a quick word in your ear, dear listener. In order to keep this audio theatrical production ad free, I have a Patreon account where a small one off or regular donation gives patrons access to certain benefits. Stick around at the end of the episode and I'll list a few of them for you.

Susie

Yes, Mrs Wilkinson.

Joey

Oh Susie, could you get me your gran on the phone? What time is it in London just now?

Susie

About half seven. Here she is, Mrs Wilkinson.

Joey

It's 07:30 P.m for her. Oh, that's good. Thanks, Susie. And can you bring me a coffee, please? When you get a I'll put you through.

Helen

Joey!

Joey

Helen. How are you? Not too late?

Helen

Not at all. Good time for me. How about you?

Joey

I'm good. Just about to have my second coffee of the day.

Helen

That's good.

Joey

Your granddaughter makes it just the way I like it. She's definitely growing on me. Yes, you might not get her back when her year is up.

Helen

Ah, well, that's what happens when things grow on you.

Joey

What?

Helen

It can be quite painful cutting them free like toenails.

Joey

Really? I wouldn't have associated your Susie with toenails. Is there a problem? Are yours in growing, ingrowing toenails?

Helen

Not so much. Just the older I get, the faster they grow and the harder it is for me to reach them when they need a trim.

Joey

You know, you're absolutely right. I thought it was just me. I think my toenails are leeching the goodness out of my joints. So the stiffer my joints, the longer my toenails. It's a pity joints wear out, because they really are very useful.

Helen

True. My ankles ping sometimes as if they're about to give way. No, well, they don't, but they might. So I find myself moving warily, like an old person, when maybe I don't need to yet. Or do I? It's a conundrum.

Joey

Whatever are we going to do?

Helen

Keep getting older, I guess.

Joey

Well, yes, as they say, it beats the alternative.

Helen

So, how are you, my darling? Any particular reason for this call? [MUSIC - RADIO NEWS INTRO]

NEWSREADER HEATHER

Yes, now, according to reports just coming in from our parliamentary reporters, mr Jonas Scillily, the Right Honourable Minister for the Environment and Food Production, has arranged to have talks with some influential people from various parts of the world. In the studio with me now is his personal secretary, Miss Serena Narayan. Now, Serena, the Minister is engaged in some sort of secret meetings, is that right?

Serena

Various individuals from different parts of the world in an effort to coordinate the efforts towards getting the planet cleaned up in order to mitigate the effects of climate change. It's really quite exciting.

NEWSREADER HEATHER

And any particular countries involved? We heard that there's an important African delegate and someone from Norway.

Serena

Well, all I can confirm is Scandinavia. Yes, yes, there's an African representation at this private conference and someone from Scandinavia as well.

NEWSREADER HEATHER

Can you tell me who these people are?

Serena

Well, they've all been appointed by their governments to represent them in these global discussions. Terribly exciting to think we might actually be working towards a global response to the crisis. [PHONE RINGING] Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have turned my phone off, but oh, this is important. I'm going to have to take this, lovely to talk to you! Thank you so much.

NEWSREADER HEATHER

Yes, of course. And that was Serena Narayan, personal secretary to the Minister of State.

Serena

Yes, Jonas. What is it?

JONAS

What the BLEEP hell do you think you're doing? I mean, I didn't authorize you to talk to the press.

Serena

No, but Jonas, I'm sure you said - you could leave it to me. You've been so busy. I just thought I'd take the initiative and get some stuff off your plate.

JONAS

I'm never too busy to speak to the press. I mean, for heaven's sake, all it was —was a couple of glasses of wine. That's all we were having. And just a friendly little drink. I mean. BLEEP hell!!! [NEWS MUSIC FADES]

Joey

Yes, there is. I wanted to warn you.

Helen

Warn me? Why? What have I done?

Joey

It's not you, it's us. Me and Steve. We're coming to visit you.

Helen

Really? When? How long for? What brought this on?

Joey

Hey, slow down. I'll tell you all about it. We're planning to come in about four weeks. The whole trip could be a couple of months because we're going to the States as well. And what brought it on? Well, to be honest, Ellie, I just decided it's now or never. I don't relish the thought of all the flights, so I want to do it before it just gets too scary, wondering whether we'll cope or not. So Steve suggested we get on with it, book it and do it. Worry about it after.

Helen

Good thinking. You're braver than me. I cannot imagine ever again sitting in an aeroplane for, what, 20 odd hours?

Joey

Brave? What? Come on. You're the bravest person I know. Mixing it up with the gods, no less. Saving the planet.

Helen

Don't be daft, Joey. I'm no more saving the planet than anyone else.

Joey

But you've got superpowers.

Helen

I've got dangerous superpowers that have to be kept in check. Or who knows what might happen?

Joey

Who knows what might happen if you don't use them? That must be the worst argument I've ever heard for not taking advantage of superpowers.

Helen

Oh. And what other arguments have you heard?

Joey

None. None whatsoever. I never heard of anyone with superpowers who didn't just use them.

Helen

Exactly. And look where that got us.

Joey

What on earth do you mean?

Helen

We invented the superpowered steam engine and railways and we dug up the coal and drilled the oil and built the skyscrapers and flew the fabulous aeroplanes, and look where that's all got us.

Joey

Pretty comfortable lifestyle, if you ask me.

Helen

Well, for some of us, yes. But for how long, Joey? in 400 years, we've gone from most of us living off the land with a few very powerful people abusing our ancestors so that they could have a comfortable life to what we have now. Mostly poor people surviving hand to mouth while a few very powerful people take advantage so they can have comfortable lives. It's nuts. Nothing changes. Well, my huffing and puffing and blowing bits of litter up into the sky isn't really helping at all. No more than anyone with a garden putting their food waste into a compost bin.

Joey

But it's better than nothing.

Helen

I agree. Unless...

Joey

What?

Helen

Unless it just leaves us all with a false sense of security that it'll all turn out right in the end.

Joey

So what else can we do?

Helen

Indeed. That is the problem. There's nothing else we can do. It's the ones with the actual superpowers who have to step up.

Joey

You mean like your Greek gods?

Helen

Heck, no. They can't change the way of the world. No, it's the ones with the political power. They're the only ones who can put the changes in place that we need.

Joey

Like that working party that you set up.

Helen

Well, I suppose it's a start, if it actually works.

Joey

You're not convinced, but wasn't it your idea?

Helen

Oh, yes, it was. It was my better than nothing idea. Worth a try, if nothing else. But I've got a feeling, you know, just a feeling that they, or at least some of them, are trying to wriggle out of it any way they can.

Joey

And what is your evidence, my darling?

Helen

Nah, no actual evidence, because I am not in the room with them. I gave them six months, and I can't do anything else until that's up. That was the deal.

Joey

So you just don't trust them?

Helen

Not at all. Most of them, anyway.

Joey

So do you think Steve and I shouldn't be flying around adding to the problem?

Helen

Oh, golly, gosh, darling heart. No. Don't you dare not come.

Joey

Oh, so you make exceptions, then?

Helen

You bet your sweet life I do. Get those tickets booked and get here ASAP. I need you.

Joey

Yes, ma'am. I'm so looking forward to it. Giving you a great big hug in the flesh.

Susie

Me too.

Flloyd

And that was Episode three of Season eight, with Matthew Field as Jonas Scillily, Frankii Phoenix as Serena Narayan, and Susie, Joey and Helen, played by me, Floyd Kennedy. The theme music that you're hearing is In the Labyrinth from John T. LaBarbera's album, which you can find on Bandcamp. Now, if you remember at the beginning I said that if you decide to join my Patreon.com campaign to try and raise some funds to support the program—because it does cost money to produce it. The website is patreon.com/AmIoldyet and you'll find there are three tiers. There's a one pound, three pound and a five pound tier.

You can either make a one off donation or you can sign up and pay monthly and stop whenever you feel like it. Amongst the benefits are early access to the episodes. For example, I've created a file which is episodes one to four, all in a one-er, which you can listen to without interruptions. And very soon, as soon as I've got them all recorded, there'll be episodes five to eight available for patrons. You also have the option to download some of my music for free or one of my poetry books.Take your pick.

Or you could name a character or even ask a character a question. That would be so much fun. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you and I want you to stay safe. Thanks for listening.