Busted

FLLOYD                                Hey everybody, this is FLLOYD KENNEDY, creator of "Am I Old Yet?" the audio comedy drama that follows a character by the name of Helen Docherty, an elderly woman negotiating life in the 21^st century, with the help of, or in spite of, her family, friends and random strangers. You can support the programme with a small donation via buymeacoffee.com/amIoldyet, or by becoming a regular subscriber at patreon.com/amIoldyet. And of course, if you follow us on your podcasting app, you will always have the episodes dropping down automatically as they arrive.

This is Episode 3 of Season 11, “Busted” in which we find Helen waiting to have lunch with her granddaughter Susie and her daughter Janey at the Cheese Shop Cafe CAFÉ CHATTER

SAM:                                      [TALKING INTO HIS PHONE RECORDING APP, A LA SAM SPADE/PHILIP MARLOWE] It was another cold grey windy day in London, and the Cheese Shop Cafe in South Morden was beginning to get busy. The old lady sitting on her own at the corner table was listening to someone on her cell phone as I kept an eye on her.

                                                She closed down the call and began to mutter something.  I couldn't make out what she was saying, but she definitely was upset about something.

HELEN:                                  No it's not frigging well alright darling Susie. I've been sitting here for half an hour and I am not happy.

SAM:                                      Just then, the waitress approached her,

ILSE:                                      Good morning, Helen. Your regular?

HELEN:                                  Yes, thanks, Ilse. Oh, wait - I'll have cheese and tomato today. Thanks. Is that all right?

ILSE:                                      Of course, of course. But toasted?

HELEN:                                  Oh, yes, definitely toasted. I love the crunch.

ILSE:                                      Yes, it is nice. So I get it for you. It won't be long. Are you waiting for someone?

HELEN:                                  Susie was supposed to be coming, coming over to have lunch.  She wants to talk to me about something important, no idea what, but there you go. And now she's just cried off.

ILSE   :                              Oh, that's terrible.  

HELEN:                                  Oh, no, it's not terrible. It's just life, isn't it? Young people, they do things like that. It's not so much being stood up, it's more because she couldn't even be bothered to phone me to let me know.  Oh, never mind.

ILSE:                                      I'll get your coffee.

SAM:                                      As the waitress walked away, I made my move... [HE WALKS OVER, SPEAKS NORMALLY] Excuse me, ma'am, do you need this chair?

HELEN:                                  Sorry, what was that?

SAM:                                      I was just wondering if you need this chair. It's a bit crowded here.

HELEN:                                  Oh! …  I'm actually waiting for someone. I'm sorry--

SAM:                                      Oh no. It's no, no, don't bother it's all right. Thank you. I'm sorry to bother you. Have a nice day.

HELEN:                                  No worries, mate... You too... Now then.  Where are you, Janey?

SAM:                                      As I moved away, she picked up her phone again

PHONE BEEPS AS SHE CALLS JANEY

HELEN:                                  Janey?  Where are you? No, I'm not going anywhere. I've just ordered a sandwich.  Shall I order something for you? Oh...  Oh, ok.... No, not at all. Just, whenever you get here.

ILSE:                                      Here's your coffee. The sandwich won't be long.

HELEN:                                  That's lovely, thanks Ilse.  Oh.  Where's that young man?

ILSE:                                      Which one.

HELEN:                                  The one who asked if he could sit here.  He might as well, Janey will be at least half an hour. I can't see him anywhere.

ILSE:                                      Perhaps he left.

HELEN:                                  Oh I do hope not! I don't like to be the cause of your losing some business.

ILSE:                                      Well... we are quite busy today. One less won't hurt me, don't worry about it.

FRANK:                                 [CALLING OUT FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM] Oh miss!

ILSE:                                      Excuse me.

FADING INTO FRANK AND SAM

FRANK:                                 Here she comes.  What'll you have?

SAM:                                      [SPEAKING NORMALLY] I’ll have a cup of tea please.

FRANK:                                 Tea?  I didn't think Americans drank tea. Not proper English tea. Are you sure?

SAM:                                      Yeah. When in Rome, you know! I'm sure I can handle it.

FRANK:                                 Ok,

ILSE:                                      Yes? Would you like to order?

FRANK:                                 Yes please. I'll have a double shot Espresso, and my friend here will have a pot of your very best builder's tea.

ILSE:                                      Of course. And something to eat?

FRANK:                                 Oh... Uh... I'll have a chocolate brownie, and--

SAM:                                      [INTERRUPTING] A fruit scone please. [HE PRONOUNCES IT 'SKOHN' TO RHYME WITH 'BONE']

ILSE:                                      One chocolate brownie, and one fruit scone. Won't be long.

SAM:                                      Did she say 'scone'? I thought it was scone. Did I say it wrong? Is that very bad?

FRANK:                                 Don't worry about it, lad. She knows what you mean.

THEY DROP THEIR VOICES TO SPEAK FURTIVELY DURING THE NEXT SECTION

Now, have you identified the target?

SAM:                                      Yeah. She's sitting over there, in the corner.

FRANK:                                 Who?

SAM:                                      That old dame. With the white hair. That's her. Exactly how Jose described her.

FRANK:                                 Really.  Hmm.  I didn't think she'd be THAT old! He just said 'she's getting on a bit'.

SAM:                                      Well, she sure is getting on a bit. No doubt about that.

FRANK:                                 Right.  Hard to imagine her as an international criminal, is it.

SAM:                                      That's what I thought. Clever. What a cover. Eh? Eh?  [LAUGHS]

FRANK:                                 Shush. Don't want to draw attention.

SAM:                                      Oh. Sorry Frank.

FRANK:                                 She's obviously waiting for someone.

SAM:                                      Yeah. That's what she said.

FRANK:                                 What? You spoke to her? Are you crazy? We're supposed to be undercover!

SAM:                                      Keep your shirt on.   I just asked if I could use the spare chair.  Checked out her accent.  She's definitely an Aussie. Uh-huh! How about that? Eh? Still think it was a waste of time me coming over here to help you out? After all, I did all the hard work, tracking her down

FRANK:                                 Oh. Ok.... Well done. Must be her then. Well, let's just sit back and see who turns up. This is going to be a lot easier than I thought... a lot easier than I thought.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE AND JANEY ARRIVING

JANEY:                                  Mum... I'm so sorry you had to wait. Oh [SIGH AS SHE SITS DOWN] thank goodness you managed to save a chair.  I've never seen this place so busy.

HELEN:                                  Yes. It is a bit.

JANEY:                                  I had to park 3 blocks away. What on earth is going on?  I saw at least three police cars dotted all over the place.

HELEN:                                  Crikey! Exciting.  Some kind of 'bust' going on.  In our quiet little patch. Oh dear.

JANEY:                                  And that Susie! Honestly, Mum. She gets more irritating by the day. I think she's having a second teenage, behaving like a 14 year old. Do you know, she called me up at 7 o'clock in the morning, wanting me to drive her to St Alban's for some demo or other.

HELEN:                                  So that's what it was.

JANEY:                                  Didn't she tell you?

HELEN:                                  No. She didn't even call me up to cancel. What's it all about this time?

JANEY:                                  I have no idea.

HELEN:                                  Didn't you ask her?

JANEY:                                  No I did not. I was so angry. She seems to have decided I do nothing but sit around waiting for her to ask me to drive her halfway across the country whenever she pleases. I don't know what's come over her these past few months.

HELEN:                                  What, did you just sit in the car and not speak to her?

JANEY:                                  No!  I didn't take her. I had an online call with the publisher in Sydney, and then I had you.

HELEN:                                  You had me?

JANEY:                                  For lunch of course.

HELEN:                                  Oh. Oh well. Here you are. Are you hungry?

JANEY:                                  Yes I am. Now where is Ilse?

HELEN:                                  She over there, with the American.

JANEY:                                  Who? Oh! That young man in the baseball cap on backwards. How do you know he's American?

HELEN:                                  Really? Ok… Because he came and spoke to me. Wanted to know if the chair was free.

JANEY:                                  And was it?

HELEN:                                  Yes, but there were other chairs just as free, so I said no, it wasn't.

JANEY:                                  Good for you. The cheek!

HELEN:                                  Yes. And then I felt guilty, so I asked Ilse to track him down, but he must have left.  And now he's back.

JANEY:                                  And he has a chair of his own. And a friend to sit with.

HELEN:                                  Indeed. Nice.

CROSS FADE TO ILSE WITH THE MEN

ILSE:                                      and here's your tea. Enjoy.

SAM:                                      Thanks ma'am.  Looks great!  Looks great, doesn't it, Frank? Cute little pot!

FRANK:                                 [WITH A MOUTHFUL OF BROWNIE] Yes. Great.

SAM:                                      Real English tea. [POURING] Wow! That's pretty black. I mean, dark. I mean strong—

FRANK:                                 I know what you mean, Sam. It's just tea.  Put some milk in it.

SAM:                                      Oh, sure. Where’s the milk?

FRANK                                  There.

SAM                                       Aw… in a dinky little jug… [MORE POURING] Ah. That looks better.  I mean—

FRANK:                                 You mean it looks like tea. How does it taste?

SAM:                                      Yeah. Ok, here goes!  Taking one for the team.

FRANK:                                 What team are you talking about, Sam?

SAM:                                      Oh, you know. The team that says Americans don't know how to drink proper tea, like the English.

FRANK:                                 Of course. Well?  Go on then. I'm looking forward to this.

SAM:                                      Me too. [SLURP]. Ewch!!  What the - what have they done to it?

FRANK:                                 It's what they haven't done to it, mate. Come on, drink it up.

SAM:                                      Yeah sure.

FRANK'S WALKIE TALKIE VIBRATES

FRANK:                                 D.I. Ensign here...

SWAT TEAM OFFICER LINDA CARTER:     D.I. Enstein?

FRANK                                  No. EnSIGN.  Without the T.

LINDA                                    Yes. Yes that’s right, there is no 'T' Weird. Do you have eyes on the target?

FRANK                                  Yes, we have her under surveillance.... Just say the word...

LINDA                                    We'll be in place in five.  Do not - I repeat - do not draw attention to yourselves.  You sure it's her?

FRANK                                  Yes, it's the older woman, and a younger person, just as you said... and at least one of them's Australian...

FADE DOWN UNDER SAM'S NARRATION

SAM:                                      Just then, the word came in from Scotland Yard, and the British Bobby knew what to do. He and his trusted FBI colleague would take down this old so-called lady, this ancient viper, this decrepit affront to humanity-

FRANK:                                 [IN SAM'S EAR] What are you doing?

SAM:                                      Wha-?? Nothing. I was just...

FRANK:                                 Just what? Who were you talking to?

SAM:                                      No-one. I’m recording my notes, that's all. Saves a lot of work when I get back to the office, having a recording with all the details...

FRANK:                                 Well, give it a break. I want to enjoy my coffee while I can…

                                                [FADING BACK TO HELEN AND JANEY]

HELEN                                   And I started to crochet these squares, just to see if I remembered how to do it

JANEY                                   You used to make the most amazing doilies, to use as coasters.

HELEN                                   Ha! You remember those!

JANEY                                   Yes, and I remember that beautiful dress you made for one of my dolls, when the school asked us to bring a toy in to show each other.

HELEN                                   Yes, and we never saw it again, did we! Because they actually asked you all to bring in a toy to share, as in, give away to the local children’s home.

ILSE                                       Did you want anything else, Helen? Janey?

JANEY                                   No, I’m fine thanks Ilse.  How about you Mum?

HELEN                                   No, all good here. That was lovely thanks, Ilse.

JANEY                                   We’d better make a move.  Mum, the car is quite a long way away, I’ll go and bring it to the door. Shouldn’t be too long. Give me 10 minutes or so.

HELEN                                   Ok. What time is it now? Oh, 10 to 2. Righto. Ilse, can I settle up with you now?

                                                [FADING BACK TO SAM AND FRANK]

FRANK                                  How’s your SKOHN?     [HE’S TAKING THE MICKEY]

SAM                                       You mean my scone?  I’m a quick learner you know. Oh! Are you taking the mick?

FRANK                                  Yes, Sam. I am taking the Mick.

SAM                                       Well, for your information, it was delicious. I might order another one.

FRANK                                  We don’t have time for that. I think they’re getting ready to leave, look, she’s putting her coat on.

[CONVERSATION IN THE DISTANCE FADES IN]

RINA Gineheart:                   No you don’t get to keep the change! What do you think I am? Made of money?

PUTTON                                Not at all. I just thought— I - I - I don't know what I thought

RINA                                      Well you know what thought did, don’t you.

PUTTON                                What? No…

RINA                                      He thought he’d plant a feather, and he’d grow a chicken. Didn’t your mother teach you anything?

PUTTON                                I – I – I welll I don't remember her teaching me that—

RINA                                      You just thought you could screw me over, like your old pal Abbot? Or was it Costello? Who cares, same same.  Well, you know what happened to him, don’t you, possum.

PUTTON                                Oh, yeah

RINA                                      Come on then. Get back in my pocket. Let’s get out of here… I’ve got a plane to catch, and a country to take over. [CHAIR SCRAPES BACK, SHE BUMPS INTO HELEN]

HELEN                                   Ow!

RINA                                      Out of my way, you stupid old cow. Come on, sweetie! Putinie-pie. Hurry up!

PUTTON                                Please don't call me that. It makes me look bad. I'm nothing like that Rusky.

RINA                                      Nah. You're more like his predecessor

PUTTON                                Who, Yeltsin?

RINA                                      I was thinking, y'know, before that. Ivan the really Terrible.Come on, let's get out of here. I've got a plane to catch, and a country to take over. [LAUGHS] I'm so excited! Where's me coat? Get my coat, you idiot...

ILSE                                       Helen!  Are you alright?

HELEN                                   Yes, thanks Ilse. Just off to meet Janey.

ILSE                                       Well take care.

HELEN.                                  Will do. You too. [SHE HEADS OUTSIDE]

FRANK                                  Target is on the move.  I repeat, target is on the move.

SAM                                       As the sweet looking white haired old lady moved towards the door, she had no idea that a SWAT team from Scotland Yard were waiting to pounce. And that would be the end of her criminal reign of terror on two continents.

SWAT WOMAN                    Hold it right there, lady. You are under arrest.

RINA                                      What are you on about. Please explain. Don't you know who I am?

SWAT WOMAN                    I certainly do. You are Rina Geneheart, and you are wanted in The Hague for crimes against humanity.

RINA                                      What? PUTTON, you idiot. You lead me into a trap.

PUTTON                                No, I swear. I didn’t.

RINA:                                     I don’t believe you for a minute. You and your swearing, swear this, swear that.  What are you going to come up with next?

PUTTON:                              Well I swear I didn’t lead you into any trap.

 RINA :                                   Yeah. But you’re always swearing. You’re a foul mouthed git. I know you—

SWAT WOMAN                    You too, PUTTON. Hands behind your back. NOW!!

SAM                                       WHAT THE FUCK? No! That’s not her! Frank, they’ve got the wrong woman. Hey you!

SWAT WOMAN                    Are you talking to me, sunshine? Do want to join them?

SAM                                       NO! I’m with you guys. FBI, Special Agent Sam Marlowe, look, here’s my badge.

SWAT WOMAN                    Is that right, DI Enstein?

FRANK                                  Ensign!!!  Sadly, yes, Officer. He’s with me.

SAM                                       But what about the Aussie woman?

SWAT WOMAN                    This is she, dickhead. Look. Here’s her picture. It's in the one in the National Gallery of Australia.

SAM                                       Oh. Oh yeah... That's her alright... [

                                                FADE TO HELEN GETTING INTO JANEY’S CAR]

JANEY                                   [ROLLS DOWN WINDOW AND BEEPS CAR HORN] Mum!

HELEN                                   Thanks darling. What a treat! Door to door service. Oh look, there’s a BBC outside broadcast truck over there.

JANEY                                   Oh yes. [CAR MOVES OFF]. Wonder what they're filming here.

HELEN                                   I guess we'll see it on the news tonight.  Now, about your daughter, I think she's...

END

OUTRO

That was “busted" , episode _3_ season 11.  You heard me, Flloyd Kennedy, as Helen, Janey, Ilse and Rina Geneheart, with Tayo Aluko as British Nigerian Detective Inspector Frank Ensign, AJ Fidalgo as FBI Special Agent Sam Marlowe and Frances Broudie Oldridge as SWAT team leader, officer Linda Carter. The theme music is from John T La Barbera’s “In the Labyrinth”

Please take a moment to rate and review it in your favourite podcasting app, or drop a comment on the reviews page on the websitewww.amioldyet.com/reviews.  If you haven’t already done it, you can always sign up for Fable and Folly PLUS, which gives you Ad Free access to this, and many other fabulous audio fiction podcasts thanks for listening. Stay safe.

OUTTAKES

Tayo

Doesn't it sound like "Ade"? (the character Tayo plays in "Baked Off!)

Flloyd

Well, you're doing different things. The accent is the same, but the character's very different. It's two different podcasts. Anyway, this is "Am I Old Yet?"

Tayo

Oh. [LAUGHS] Oh, thank goodness.

Flloyd

There you go. Yeah. No, no. If it was in "Baked Off!", I'd have asked you to do something different.

Tayo

Oh right.

RINA

Putton? You idiot. You led me into a trap.

PUTTON

No, ah, I swear I didn't.

RINA

Oh, don't believe you for a minute. You and your swearing. Swear this, swear that. What are you gonna come up with next?

PUTTON

Well, I swear I didn't lead you into any trap at all.

RINA

Yeah, but you're always swearing, aren't you? You're a foul mouthed git. I know you.

Shea

You don't know me at all, Rina.

Flloyd

[LAUGHS]

Shea

You know. I feel like quitting right now.

Flloyd

My plan, my devilish plan is working.

Shea

I've been under your sagging armpit for the last three years.

Flloyd

Now.

Shea

And I haven't enjoyed one moment of it. It smells like rotten cotton balls, to tell you the truth.

Flloyd

More like coal balls.

Shea

Yes, exactly. Cold balls served with a side of cucumber. I'm going to see what Yeltsin's up to.

Flloyd

Didn't he die? I think he did.

Shea

I think he did.

Flloyd

Okay.

Shea

That's where I'm headed.

Flloyd

Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Thank you so much, Shea.

.