Allana Noyes - a tribute

Flloyd

Thunder's mouth theatre presents. Hello and welcome to this bonus episode, which I'm placing here as a tribute to my very dear friend, fellow actress and voice coach Allana Noyes. Allana sadly passedaway recently after a very short illness. Those of you who've been listening to the podcast from thebeginning will recall that Allana is the voice of Georgina, otherwise known in the family as Georgie,and she also plays Flora, Georgie's mother. Allana and I first met up in Brisbane in 1998 in a productionof Shakespeare's the Life and Death of King John, directed by Paul Sherman for Trocadero Productions, in which Allana played Constance and I played Eleanor.

We remained firm friends and I am missing her terribly. Now, just to give you some context for these extracts featuring Allana, for those of you who are new to the audio fiction comedy, am I old yet? Helen, our chief protagonist, is australian but lives in London. She has an older sister, Marion, who lives in Rockhampton, Queensland with her son Walter and his wife Flora. Georgie is their daughter, and when we first encounter Georgie in episode four, caught out of season one, she has just moved to Sydney to work for the publishing company Wilkinson Balliol, run by Helen's oldest friend, Joey Wilkinson.

Helen has been commissioned by Joey to write her memoir. In this episode, she receives an unexpectedcall on Skype from Georgie. Enjoy.

Helen

What? Hello? Georgie? Georgina? 

Georgie

Yes, it's me, Auntie Helen. I hope this isn't a bad time for you. Should I call back? I tried to check the time zone, but maybe I got it wrong.

Helen

Not at all. Georgie, it's about 09:00 a.m.. Here. What time have you got? Where are you?

Georgie

It's 07:00 p.m.. Here. I'm in Sydney.

 Helen

Oh, lucky you. Well, are you lucky to be there. Do you like it?

Georgie

I love it to bits. I've got a great new job. Really nice flat and a bloke. What more could one want?

Helen

Not sure I know. I thought you were doing well in your old job.

Georgie

I just fancied a change.

Helen

And the bloke? How long has this been going on?

Georgie

About ten years. Same one as the last time we met, when you were in Brisbane

Helen
Oh, yes. Nice bloke. I still approve. How's everybody else?

Georgie

That's partly why I'm calling. It's about Nan.

Helen

Oh, no,

Georgie

don't worry, it's not really bad. It's just that she fell over in the garden yesterday and she's in hospital just to be checked over. They don't think she broke anything, but dad asked me to let you know.

Helen

Okay, well, that's very kind. Thank you. And thank your dad for me, too. How's Marion coping?

Georgie

Much better than we thought. She's quite enjoying all the attention. Not in any pain, but just a bitunsteady on her feet, so they're running tests.

Helen

Oh, that's good. Good to be on the safe side.

Georgie

How are you? Are you well? You're in lockdown again, aren't you? How do you cope with that? It must be awful.

Helen

I'm fine. I just stayed in lockdown. Never bothered to come out of it. Seemed like the sensible way to behave.

Georgie

Wow. That's amazing. What's that? A year in lockdown. You must be absolutely desperate for it to end.

Helen

No, I'm desperate for the pandemic to end. And that's not going to happen as long as people keep breaking out of lockdown and refusing to have the vaccine.

Georgie

You think?

Helen

Pretty sure. According to everything we know about how Pandemics work and how Covid-19 works. Seems obvious to me.

Georgie

But how do you manage? Aren't you climbing the walls?

Helen

Yes. Great view from the top of the walls. Only kidding, Georgie. I keep busy. I do stuff. You musthave heard about me. I'm the sister who does stuff.

Georgie

To be honest, Auntie Helen. Yes, I've heard that mentioned a few hundred times a year. Which reminds me.

Helen

Oh, yes. You said there was another reason for this call.

Georgie

Yes. This is a bit sensitive. Not sure where to begin

Helen

Ah, spit it out, honey. Better out than in.

Georgie

Yes. All right, then. It's my new job with Wilkinson Baliiol publishing.

Helen

And in what capacity? What's the job?

Georgie

Editorial assistant to Joanna Wilkinson.

Helen

Oh, Joanna Wilkinson.

Georgie

Yes, and she wants to know when she can expect the first draft of your new book.

Helen

Oh, no.

Georgie

I'm sorry, Auntie Helen. If it's any consolation, she doesn't know we're related yet.

Helen

Oh, don't you dare tell her.

Georgie

I won't. But you know what the publishing world is like. Very hard to keep a secret. And it would be so much simpler if you would just send her the draft. Have you finished it yet?

Helen

Not really.

Georgie

Halfway. A quarter? Have you started? Please, please tell me you've started.

Helen

I really have, Georgina. I have tried and tried, but I just can't do it.

Georgie

Why not? You've loads of stuff to write about, as you say you do stuff. You've had so many careers in somany countries over so many years.

Helen

Well, that's a gross exaggeration, Georgie, and you know it. I've had a moderately interesting life so far. But it hasn't been exceptional. I'm not famous. I haven't won anything. I worked as a secretary, got promoted to editors. So I've edited a few mildly well known authors in my time. And I've written some poetry. That's about it. I don't write about myself. I write about gardens. I do not do memoir. I have no idea why Joanna thinks I could, let alone should,

Georgie

Because she does. And I trust her judgment. And you agreed to do?

Helen

No, not really. I just told her to give me some time,

Georgie

and she did. Two years, Auntie Helen. And she's under the impression that you've been working hard atit. And it's only because of the pandemic that she's been holding a fire. She's a very impatient person. I'm impressed at how patient she's being with.

Helen

Uh huh. Now I see how you got the job.

Georgie

What do you mean?

Helen

Because you're good at it.

Georgie

Yes, I am. And if Joanna wants your memoir, I'm going to make sure she gets it.

Helen

But I don't want to do it,

Georgie

Auntie Helen, you don't think you want to do it, but once you get started, you're going to enjoy it

Helen

I am?

Georgie

I can guarantee it. You can say what you like. You can rant all your rants. You can throw the odd poem in. It'll be great.

Helen

I can? I thought I had to write a proper memoir, like Clive James or, oh, I don't know, someone who writes memoirs.

Georgie

No, Auntie Helen, you don't have to write like anyone else. Just like yourself. That's what Joanna wants to pay you for.

Helen

Really?

Georgie

Really. But she's not going to send you the advance until she gets the first draft. That's the deal. I'veseen it in writing with your signature on it. So no more excuses. Just do it.

Helen

Gosh, you're a tough cookie.

Georgie

I know. And it takes one to know one. And I'm tasty, too

Helen

I know you are. All right, I'll have another go at it when I've finished editing this book on floral arrangements.

Georgie

Why don't you start right there? Write about editing a book on floral arrangements. That will make youthink of something else. So you write about that and so on.

Helen

Oh, well, I never would have thought of that. Georgie, you are a genius.

Georgie

I know. Okay, I'll leave you to it, and I'll call you again in a week's time.

Helen

A week? Oh, okay. All right. I'm hyperventilating here.

Georgie

You know, I think I'll give Janey a call now. Haven't spoken to her in age.

Helen

Oh, no. Oh, please, Georgie. Please don't tell her about the book.

Georgie

I knew it. You haven't told her. Well, let me put it this way. If you hit 5000 words in a week, send them to me and I won't call Janey till then. Get it?

Helen

Got it.

Georgie

Good. Take care, Auntie Helen.

Helen

Bye, Georgie.

END OF SCENE

Flloyd

Now, the next time we catch up with Georgie is in episode eight of season one, "More Secrets". Helen's daughter Janey drops in on Helen for a visit just as Georgie calls in via Skype to see how Helen, thereluctant memoirist is getting on.

Janey

Mom, there's a Skype call coming through. Shall I answer it? Mom? Hello?

Georgie

Hello, Helen?

Janey

No, I'm afraid she's busy. Can I take a message? It's her daughter Janey here.

Georgie

Janey, it's Georgie.

Janey

Georgie, how are you doing? Gosh, of course it's you.

Georgie

I'm fine.

Janey

How are you? I thought you were going to call me at home.

Georgie

Oh, I am. I just thought I'd give your mother a shout first.

Janey

Oh, well, that's nice.

Georgie

You were on my list for tomorrow.

Janey

Did you want to leave a message for mum? She's taking a shower.

Georgie

No, just tell her I'll call. So how are you? What are you doing these days?

Janey

Me? Oh, same as usual. Looking after the family and the garden. Oh, it's lovely just now. Late spring,but very welcome nonetheless. And you? What are you up to at the moment?

Georgie

I've moved to Sydney. Got a great new job in another publishing house. Looking after a fewhandpicked writers, including your mother. How good is that?

Janey

Sounds like your dream job

Georgie

Oh, it is. And I'm not even joking. I'm having the best time. So, Janey, tell me. Or tell me to mind my own business if you like, but don't you ever write anything yourself?

Janey

Me? Oh, no, I'm not a writer. I wouldn't know where to start. 

Georgie

You're a great storyteller.

Janey

What, me? I don't tell stories. Whatever gave you that idea?

Georgie

You did. When I was little. Don't you remember? Mum and dad were having trouble getting me tolearn to read. And you were staying with us over the summer holidays. And you would read me bedtimestories.

Janey

Oh, yes. Oh, that was fun. I loved reading to you.

Georgie

Then one day you told me a story off the top of your head and I loved it so much I wanted it again thenext night. And you said, "no, I can't do that. I can't remember what I said. That's why we have books.So we can put the words into them, and then we can read them over and over if we want to". And the next day you wrote a story in an exercise book and showed me how the letters and the words kept the story safe. And you did that over and over again for weeks. And so then I learned to read. And now here I am, publishing books. All your doing, Janey.

Janey

Good heavens, I never dreamt I would have thought it. But, yes, I do remember. I remember teaching youthe letters and putting the words on the page, sounding them out, putting them together.

Georgie

You're a great teacher, but you're also a great storyteller. Such an imagination, Janey.

Janey

Well, I guess I probably did back then, when I was a child. And I guess I just grew out of it.

Georgie

I don't believe that for a second. You don't grow out of something like that, Janey. I bet you could still tell a good story.

Janey

What, make it up?

Georgie

Well, that's pretty much what stories are—made up, eh? Here's a thought. Why don't you write down acouple of short stories and send them to me?

Janey

What? Don't be silly, Georgie. I'm not a writer. Not like mum

Georgie

No one is a writer like your mum, Janey. Be a writer like you.

Janey

Oh, I couldn't. Whatever would she think?

Georgie

I suspect she'd be as proud as punch. Come on, Janey. Why not give it a go?

Janey

No, absolutely not. Because it wouldn't be right.

Georgie

Why not?

Janey

Because... Well, look. Think of all those proper writers sending in their manuscripts that never getread because nobody's heard of them. And then suppose you publish mine just because you're my cousin. I couldn't do that.

Georgie

You really are a chip off the old block, Janie. Principles.

Janey

What's wrong with having principles?

Georgie

Not a thing.

Janey

And I am nothing like my mother. I don't know why you would think such a thing.

Helen

Have we got a visitor, Janie?

Janey

No, Mum, it's Georgie on Skype.

Helen

Oh, I'll be right down.

Georgie

I heard that. Listen, Janie, I'll do you a deal. You send me two stories, I'll pass them straight over to one of our readers with at least two other unsolicited manuscripts. If the reader gives them back to me, I'll get back to you.

Janey

Well, I'll have to think about it.

Georgie

Don't think. Do.

Janey

Well, please don't tell Mum.

Helen (on the stairs)

Nearly there. Hi, Georgie.

Georgie

I won't. I promise. Hi, Helen.

 Janey, just do it. It'll be fun.

Helen

Move over, Janey. Hey, Georgie. What'll be fun?

Janey

I'll leave you to it.

Helen

Thanks, Janey. Coffee, please. Did you tell her? Did you mention the memoir?

Georgie

Of course not. You keep your end of the bargain, I keep mine. But you'll have to tell her sometime.

Helen

Of course. So, what did you think?

Georgie

I think it's all fine as a start. And now you just have to keep it up. I'll send you some notes. Nothing to worry about, I promise you. Just an idea or two. You could maybe expand on a few things. You know what I mean?

But it's all good stuff, Helen.

 END OF SCENE

Flloyd

Now we skip along to episode 21, "Rockhampton Daze", where we find Georgie on holiday at herparents house in Rocky, calling up Helen to see how the book is coming along. Allana not only plays both Georgie and Flora in this episode, but she also provided the recording of the bats and the birdstaken while she was working in the area, shortly before we recorded this episode. Flora's husband, whois Helen's nephew, Walter, is played by Allana's husband, Bob (Robert) Ashdown.

Helen

Georgie, please hang on there. Ah. Oh, Georgie, there you are. I'm so sorry.

Georgie

Auntie Helen, I was about to give up.

Helen

I lost half an hour somewhere between the supermarket and my front door.

Georgie

Not a problem. You're here now.

Helen

Yeah, I'm just feeling a bit silly. I cannot get used to the fact that I keep on being late these days. What'swith that, Georgie? What is that noise? I can hardly hear?

Georgie

Oh, it's the flying foxes over the fence.

Helen

Oh, yes, of course. You're practically next door to the botanical gardens, aren't you?

Georgie

I'm so used to it, I hardly notice it.

Helen

Sorry?

Georgie

I said I'm used to it. Now I hardly notice it.

Helen

Well, sorry, Georgie, but I'm really struggling to make out what you're saying. Could you maybe close a window or something?

Flora

Hi, Auntie Helen.

Helen

Oh, hi, Flora. Lovely to see you.

Flora

You too. You okay?

Helen

Yeah, I'm good. I was just saying, I can hardly hear you guys for the bats. Any chance you could close a window or two?

Flora

Close a window? Helen, this house is a Queenslander.

Helen

Oh, yes, of course. Wooden slats with gaps.

Flora

Yes, bloody hot up here. Bloody hot. And we're in sunny Rockampton, where it's a cool 23 degrees toda— in the middle of winter

Helen

Well, that can't be bad. But I don't know, maybe your incredibly clever daughter could move to themiddle of the house. I'm being a pest. I know, but my hearing ain't what it used to be.

Flora

I understand. I can barely hear her and I'm standing right next to her. Come on, Georgie, I'll help you.

Helen

Thanks, Flora. I really appreciate it. And tell Georgie I'm sorry for taking up her time like this.

Flora

Get us set up in the sitting room. It's the quietest place.

Helen

I was late already.

Georgie

Late Aunt Helen? Don't you let her have a go at you. She's on Rocky time like the rest of us. No suchthing as late. How about you sit here, Georgie? I'll plug you in. Okay. I'll leave you two to it. I justwanted to say hello.

Helen

I'm so glad you did. I hope you don't mind me interrupting your time with Georgie.

Flora

Not at all. Can't wait to get rid of the child. See how she bites. Too easy. I'll let you get off. Good to see you. Looking good, Aunt Helen.

Helen

Very kind.

Georgie

She's not kind. She's a mean old woman.

Helen

Georgina, are you calling your mother an old woman?

Georgie

Every time she refers to me as a child, Auntie Helen.

Helen

Oh, fair enough.

Marian

Is it tea time yet? Shall I go into the sitting room? 

Flora

No, Mum. You come into the kitchen with me.

Marian

I'm ready for my tea. Where's Wally? Isn't it tea time?

Flora

Not yet. Soon.

Helen

Georgie. Is your gran okay?

Georgie

Not really. Not much we can do, though. She just wants dad around all the time and she refuses toremember who mum is.

Helen

Oh, that's hard. At least she remembers he's Wally. Last time we spoke she was calling him Richard.

Georgie

Yes. Sometimes she thinks he's granddad. Dad gets a bit grumpy, of course, but mum just puts up with it like a saint.

Helen

Really

Georgie

I suppose not. Just a very kind and patient woman. I simply do not know how she does it. But listen, we better get on. I've just got a few notes on what you sent me for the memoir. I think you're on a roll, don't you?

Helen

Well, hmm. Maybe I'm on a bit of a slide. Feels more like thin ice. Okay, hit me with it. [PHONE RINGS]Oh, blast. Sorry, Georgie. It's just Janey. I'll leave her a message.

Georgie

Don't do that. I'm not in a hurry. Answer it. 

Helen

Oh, okay. Thanks. Won't be a tick. Janey?

Janey

Hi, Mum.

Helen

What is it, sweetheart?

Janey

How are you?

Helen

I'm good. You okay?

Janey

Sure, I'm fine. You're busy.

Helen

I'm on a Skype call to Georgie.

Janey

Oh, sorry.

Flloyd

No, you're all right. She says she's not in a hurry.

Janey

Why are you Skype calling with Georgie? Was she looking for m

Helen

No. Why would she be looking for you?.

Janey

Oh, no reason. Just for a chat, maybe. Oh, it's about your memoir, isn't it?

Helen

Yes. Plus, she's my great niece. I like her.

Janey

Oh, me too.

Helen

She's visiting her parents in Rockhampton.

Janey

Well, that's nice. Give my love to Flora and Wally, will you? And Aunt Marion. And the bats. I can hearthem. Here, I'd better let you get on with it.

Helen

Hang on, why did you call me? Do you need anything? Oh, by the way, have you read Seven Little Australians lately?

Janey

No, why?

Helen

Because if you drop over later, you can borrow my copy. I found it last night in the box in the loft

Marian

Wally. Wally, darling, did you bring me chocolate?

Wally

Not this time, Mum. There's still plenty in the larder, if you will.

Flora

Oh, Walter, don't. I'm trying to help her to lose weight.

Wally

Oh, sorry. Why? She's not fat.

Flora

No, but she would be if she ate all the chocolate you bring her.

Helen

Okay, Janey. Bye, darling. I'll see you later then.

Janey

Bye, Mum.

Helen

Sorry about that, Georgie. Any more notes for me?

Georgie

Was that Janey? Did I hear you offering her a copy of Seven Little Australians?

Helen

Yes, you did. She's on some weird kick of reading children's books. I'm trying to be helpful. Any suggestions?

Georgie

How about Cuddlepot andSnugglepie? Or The Magic Pudding?

Helen

The Magic Pudding. What a great idea. I've never read it myself. Always meant to get round to it.

Georgie

Can you get it over there?

Helen

Oh, you can get anything over here.

Georgie

Good.

Wally

Oh, sorry, Georgie, didn't realise you were working here. Oh, is that you, Aunt Helen?

Helen

Yes, it's me, Aunt Helen. Is that you, nephew Walter?

Wally

Yes, it's me nephew Walter. What are you two on about? Is this a family call?

Helen

It's both family and work. I'm doing some work with Georgie and she's family.

Wally

I suppose that makes sense

Marian

Look in the tree. It's a koala. Walter, Georgina, come and look.

Wally

Really, Mum, is it a koala?  Hang on. Where? I can't see it. Are you sure? That's a Rain tree Mum, koalas don't live there.

Marian

I can see it. Look there on that big branch.

Flora

I can see something, Walter. Not sure what it.

Wally

Oh yes, I see what you mean. Hey, Georgina, come and see this.

Marian

I found a koala. 

Helen

You better go and see for yourself, Georgie.

Georgie

Okay, thanks, honey. Helen, I'll be back.

Helen

You better be. I want to hear all about it. Take a photo.

Wally

Yeah, right. Well, it's not a koala, mum, it's a cat.

Marian

No, it's not. I know what a koala looks like.

Wally

Well, I promise you, Mum, it's actually Roger next door's cat. Koalas don't live in rain trees.

Flora

You okay there, Aunt Helen? Did you hear all that kerfuffle?

Helen

I think so. So it's not a koala after all?

Georgie

No. Poor Mum. She keeps looking for them. Sometimes it's a crow, sometimes it's a bat. This time it's next door's cat. Walter's going to try to get him,.

Wally

Come and hold the ladder for me.

Flora

He has to persuade Mum that she's wrong every time.

Wally

Ouch!

Georgie

What is it? 

Wally

Damn thing's scratched me.

Georgie

I'm not surprised. I don't think he wanted to come down. He was having a quiet nap.

Wally

Thanks for the sympathy. Come and give me a hand with the ladder.

Helen

Oh, poor Walter.

Flora

Don't worry, he's used to it. That cat hates him.

Helen

Oh, no. Oh, dear. Flora, don't you have a zoo there with a koala sanctuary?

Flora

Yes.

Helen

Why not take Marion there for some respite? See if she can overdose on koala cuteness.

Flora

You know, that's not a bad idea. We haven't been there for years. Usually only go if we have overseasvisitors, and that's not going to happen anytime soon. I'll see if I can persuade Georgie to come with me while she's here. At least Mum knows who she is.

Helen

Oh, yes, I heard. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard for you.

Flora

Oh, I don't mind. She's a dear thing. She's still remarkably fit, you know, considering. It's just the mindthat's dropping in and out of focus from time to time. Okay, I'll leave you with Georgie.

Helen

Bye, Flora.

Georgie

Okay, I'm back. Now, where were we? 

Helen

You were telling me how great my writing.

Georgie

Was I? Now, when you write about people rather than events, it's so colourful.

Helen

Who knew?

Georgie

I knew.

end of scene

Flloyd

And now here is episode six of season seven. "Can You Keep a Secret?" I didn't realize how manysecrets were involved in Allana's episodes. This is the next time when we encounter Georgie. At thisstage of Helen's life, she has been gifted superpowers by some ancient greek deities, one of whom, Hermes, has transformed himself into a dog in order to help Helen out. And he is accompanying Susie,Helen's granddaughter, staying in Georgie's flat in Sydney. Georgie has no idea what's going on, but shehas plenty of ideas as to what can be done about it.

Helen

Come on, Skype. Skype? Skypey. Be nice. Oh, there you are. Georgie.

Georgie

Helen.

Helen

Oh, how lovely to see you. Georgina, looking wonderful. Being head of Editing seems to suit you.

Georgie

I don't know about that. Auntie Helen. I'm surviving, that's for sure.

Helen

Well, that's good. How's Sydney?

Georgie

Pretty warm. Not on fire.

Helen

Well, that's something else

Georgie

Oh, yeah. And your darling granddaughter, my little cousin, is being a huge help to me. Thank you forsharing her with me.

Helen

You're welcome. Well, sort of welcome, if you know what I mean. I miss her terribly. So she's behaving herself,

Georgie

Of course. She's just lovely. And that beautiful dog with the weird name Hermes. I ask you, what was that about?

Helen

Oh, you met him, did you? Was he at your place for long?

Georgie

Two visits, two days each. Fairly well behaved. But it's all very mysterious. Oh, come on, Auntie Helen,you have to tell me. Is it anything to do with the dogs in central Australia suddenly howling litter up intothe sky? Because that just started when the dog, Hermes, disappeared for two days. Is there a connection? Well, you know, we heard about it happening in the UK. We had journalists and scientists booking trips over there to check it out, but they couldn't figure it out. Apparently, they all came home with their metaphorical tails between their legs and then suddenly it's happening here.

Helen

So what was it about Susie's doggy pal that made you think he might have something to do with it?

Georgie

The way he looked at me. Not really like a dog at all. I was creepy at first, but he kind of won me over.

Helen

Oh, yes, he does that

Georgie

you do know.

Helen

Come on, Georgie, you must realize that if I told you, I'd have to kill you

Georgie

Yeah. So do it. Tell me and I'll die happy. 

Helen

But I love you too much.I don't want to.

Georgie

So it really is a super duper dead secret. Are you in any danger?

Helen

No more than usual. 

Georgie

What do you mean?

Helen

Well, with the state of my inevitably failing body and mind, I'm in danger of bumping into things and slipping on stairs and chatting to total strangers in the park that I think I've recognized. But it's not them at all.

Georgie

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Are you really that old?

Helen

Believe it or not, Georgie darling, I am. I put it off for as long as I could, but the days of elderliness have finally caught up with me.

Georgie

What are you doing messing about with dangerous dogs, then who got you into this?

Helen

Hermes isn't dangerous, Georgie. He's a sweetheart. Bit mischievous, but no. His days of messing with our lives for the sheer fun of it are way past now. He's actually trying to help us. To help ourselves.

Georgie

By us, you mean humans?

Helen

Oh, not just humans. He and his family have realized, just as a few of us humans have realized, that life on earth does not revolve around us and that the more we mess with it, the worse are off. All living species are.

Georgie

So he's not actually a dog, is he? 

Helen

No. But you absolutely cannot tell anyone, and I mean anyone. Understand?

Georgie

Yes. Not even Joey?

Helen

Especially not Joey, my super darling bestie. And your boss. I know exactly what she would do if she knew. She would commission someone to write a book about it and have it on the bookshelves within minutes.

Georgie

And that's a bad thing? Why wouldn't it make sense if people knew and they could help?

Helen

Well, you obviously have much more faith in the altruistic nature of humanity than I do. I have beenadvised to keep it secret to avoid the press getting hold of it.

Georgie

But this is a good news story. Some magical beings helping to clean up the planet. God, who wouldn't want to know about that?

Helen

Anyone who's presently making money out of selling rubbish that's difficult to clean up by normal means. Anyone whose business model depends on more and more crap coming into our lives, makingthings with built in obsolescence. All the councils that fail to provide enough bins or bin collection. Oh, no, hang on. No, not them. They should be extremely happy that we're doing their job for them. But you know what I mean, Georgie, the press doesn't like good news stories. They don't sell as well as the bad ones.

Georgie

Yes, I know, and I see what you mean. Then I don't agree. You know, people are as likely to click on cute and kind stories as they are on the bad and scary ones.

Helen

You mean positive clickbait? Yeah, well, I hadn't thought of that. Oh, maybe you're right. I wonder if we could start a campaign TikTok or something. Flood it with positive stories of tidy streets. Clean?

Georgie

Yes, yes. Like when that bunch of people went up Mount Koziosco recently and they had litter pickers andbin bags cleaning up the paths. There was huge coverage on social media. Well, the mainstream media didn't cover it at all, no, they were too busy banging on about wars and murders. But you're right. Andsocial media is where people are looking these days. Why not take advantage of it?

Helen

You know, Georgie, I think you're onto something. I need to check it out with my team.

Georgie

Your team? You have a team? Hey, Auntie Helen.

Helen

Oh, don't get overexcited. It's just your cousin Janey and her man Jonathan and Susie and Charlie.

Georgie

Who's Charlie?

Helen

What she hasn't even mentioned him? Longtime school friend, part time boyfriend over here.

Georgie

Okay. Anyone else?

Helen

Oh, yes, I have a professor of mathematics who keeps an eye on the science of it all with some of his sciency colleagues.

Georgie

Is that Misha?

Helen

Oh, she's mentioned him, has she?

Georgie

She was saying you'd met this amazing maths guy in the park and he was helping you with a project. I was hugely curious. She wouldn't go any further than.

Helen

Ah, good for her. Well, he's now working with some people in the states who are going to collect the rubbish up in the sky and compress it into tiny satellite containers that they'll probably eventually dosomething like, I don't know, shoot them into the sun or something.

Georgie

Oh, wow. You mean that's supposed to solve the earth's dependence on landfill?

Helen

Absolutely not. The only thing that will solve that will be us humans giving up our addiction todisposable stuff and reducing the amount of stuff being disposed of to a manageable amount.

Georgie

Right. And how do you propose to get that happening?

Helen

I have no idea. Do you? 

Georgie

No, not at the moment, no.

Helen

Depressing, isn't it?

Georgie

Yeah. But... Surely.

Helen

What? Surely what? Have you thought of something?

Georgie

Well, I just thought if you can gather a team that helped you out with the canine litter moving logistics,perhaps you could get one with expertise in mobilizing people for a good cause.

Helen

Yes. Now, where would I find those kinds of people?

Georgie

Charities. People who run them. Philanthropic people.

Helen

Philanthropic? You mean rich people who donate to good causes?

Georgie

Yeah, I guess so. Do you know any?

Helen

Not personally, but as it happens, I'm about to meet a few. Now, how did they know?

Georgie

Sorry, who? How did who know what?

Helen

The people who've been manipulating this whole crazy adventure all along.

Georgie

And they are?

Helen

Nope, not yet. You have enough super confidential information to be hanging on to for the moment. Itell you what, Georgie. After I've consulted with the team, I'll get back to you to say whether or not you can tell Joey. We've got to do this. Understand? Okay, Georgie?

Georgie

Oh, yes, yes, I understand. I was just thinking, our marketing department, they know how to run campaigns on TikTok and other social media platforms. Just saying.

Helen

Georgie, you are an angel. Gotta go. I'll be in touch. Love to Susie and Joey.

Georgie

All right. Yep. Love to you, Auntie Helen. Bye bye

END OF SCENE

Flloyd

That was "Can you keep a secret?" Episode six of season seven of Am I old Yet? You heard the Australian actress and voice coach Allana Noyes as Georgie, and me, Flloyd Kennedy as Helen. The music is by John T LaBarbera from his album In the Labyrinth, available on Bandcamp. 

Well, there we go. For those of you who knew and loved Allana, I hope you've enjoyed a little bit of the flavour of her, clowning around with me. It was an absolute joy. And for those of you who didn't know her, I hope you've enjoyed this little taste of the extracts from the podcast from days of yore. 

Just for the record, everyone that wasn't Allana or Bob was played by me. And yes, the music was John. T LaBarbera's gorgeous In the Labyrinth.

Just to let you know, I'm working on season nine. I should be able to start releasing it sometime,hopefully before January is finished. I'm up to episode six on the writing process, but we've got towait for everybody to finish their holidays and stuff before we can get down to recording. So there wego. Something to look forward to and I'll talk to you then. Have a wonderful festive season. Take care. Bye.