A Rescue and a Plan

EPISODE 7

SCENE 1

Thunder's mouth theatre presents: am i old yet? A slice of life audio fiction comedy with a touch of fantasy. We follow the day to day experiences of the  elderly Helen as she negotiates her crone years with the help of, and occasionally in spite of, her family, friends and random strangers - including, lately, a few Ancient Greek deities 

Episode 7 finds Helen in the garden with her neighbour, 103 year old Nana Madeleine. Zeus and Hera are still wondering about somewhere in south London, and Helen requires the presence of her granddaughter Susie and Susie's boyfriend Charlie, to settle a few matters.

Scene 1 - bird sounds

NANA:                                    Helen! So good to see you.  Are you coming to sit in the garden?

HELEN :                                I certainly am, Nana. Isn't it marvellous? Actual sunshine, at last.

NANA:                                    At last indeed.  Of course, I knew it was there, all the time, above the clouds, but when you can't see it, 

HELEN :                                And you can't feel it!

NANA:                                    Exactly. And I can't complain--

HELEN:                                  Oh I can. I quite enjoy having a moan about it every now and then.

NANA:                                    Oh yes of course, I do too, to be perfectly honest.. It's hard not too when it goes on for so long, like this year.

HELEN :                                Yes. And it doesn't mean we aren't aware that there are many people much worse off.

NANA:                                    Oh yes. You know, I am so worried about Mina - you know, the homeless lady who stays by the bus stop..

HELEN :                                Goodness. Is she still there?  I thought the Homeless Shelter people had a place for her.

NANA:                                    Oh, they do, but she just won't go in.  

HELEN:                                  Really?  That's a shame.  She must be very afraid.

NANA:                                    I do believe that is the problem. She has had very bad experiences in some places. They say they want to help, but they just take advantage of them.

HELEN:                                  Horrible situation.  

NANA:                                    Wouldn't it be nice if we had the kind of society that never leaves anyone without a safe place to sleep. 

HELEN :                                Wouldn't it just?

NANA:                                    I don't suppose your rooftop friends could step in?

HELEN:                                  My roof-top - oh, you mean...

NANA:                                    Yes.  Now don't be cross, Helen.  But Harry did catch the names that you called them,

HELEN:                                  Ah.  

NANA:                                    So it didn't take me long to figure it out. You don't have to tell me, of course - but couldn't they help?

HELEN:                                  Ah Nana.  Sadly, no.  It's just not something that comes within their own, special godlike powers.

NANA:                                    Well that's a shame. 

HELEN :                                Oh, I agree.  But then... maybe that would be too easy.

NANA:                                    How do you mean?

HELEN:                                  Well, it's not their problem.  It's ours.  So we really do have to sort it out ourselves. Somehow.

NANA:                                    Oh yes.  I see.  Oh well.

HELEN:                                  As you say.  Oh well ...

SCENE 2.  STREET SOUNDS

HERA:                                    Come along, Zeus.  

ZEUS:                                    Why? What's the hurry?  And if there is such a hurry, why can't we fly there?  Whoever 'there' is.  Where are we going anyway?

HERA:                                    We are going to find Hermes.  I don't trust him.

ZEUS:                                    Nobody trusts him any more. Silly boy.  But what makes you think he's still in London?

HERA:                                    Of course he is still in London. He is not going to stop helping Helen, just because you told him to.  And you just found out how much she cares about what we think!

ZEUS:                                    You are right about that.  No respect.

HERA:                                    Now don't start that again.  I've told you a hundred million times, you have to earn respect.  You cannot bully people into respecting you.

ZEUS:                                    Me??? Bully???????  I am not the bully. You are the bully. So bossy. I can hardly get a word in at all--

HERMES:                              Hello Papa.  Good morning, Step Mama.  How lovely to see you both.

HERA:                                    Hermes!  Well well well.  What a wonderful surprise!

HERMES:                              I know.  I thought you would enjoy it.

ZEUS:                                    What do you mean - enjoy it?  You nearly gave me a heart attack!  What are you doing here?  I told you to stop interfering--

HERMES:                              You did.  And I did. I am obeying you To. The. Letter.  Look!  No hands!!

ZEUS:                                    Oh... such a joker. 

OUTDOOR CAFE SOUNDS

HERA:                                    Here is a cafe.  Let us sit down, and drink coffee, calmly and quietly, and you can explain yourself.  In full!

HERMES:                              Of course.  Excuse me!

Rene:                                     Sir?

HERMES:                              3 double shot espressos please.  Ok if we sit here?

Rene:                                     Help yourself. 

CHAIRS BEING SETTLED INTO

ZEUS:                                    Come on, come on!  What are you doing here?

HERMES:                              I'm here to rescue you.  You are both in big, big trouble.

HERA:                                    Us?  Why? We haven't done anything!

ZEUS:                                    Your mother is right--

HERA:                                    Stepmother!

ZEUS:                                    And I told you to stay away from the mortals! So YOU are the one who is in big trouble

HERMES:                              But I'm not going anywhere near them. Nobody knows I am here, I promise you.

ZEUS:                                    Well... Your step mother is right. We have been very careful. Nobody knows we are even here. 

HERA:                                    They all think we are a "sweet old couple".  Isn't that clever of us?

HERMES:                              A sweet old couple, called Zeus and Hera?  And you didn't think anyone would make the connection?

ZEUS:                                    What?  What is wrong with our names?

HERMES:                              Absolutely nothing apart from the fact that they are unique, and SOME people only ever hear them in context of our history, our mythology, our immortal lives.

HERA:                                    And what is the matter with that?  It's just a few people we happen to pass in the street--

HERMES:                              And on the bus.

ZEUS:                                    So?  So what?  As you moth- your STEP-mother says, it is just a few peopl--

HERMES:                              Not any more,  Look at this.

ZEUS:                                    What is that?

HERA:                                    It's one of those phone things, that they use to talk to each other these days. 

HERMES:                              Just watch... 

PLAYS SHORT EXTRACT FROM THE TV MORNING PROGRAMME.

JOSIE:                                   This is a most unusual event, I’m so pleased to be here with - er Miss? Or is it Mrs? Frogs-home?

DARLENE:                            Mrs, thank you very much. And it’s Frogshum.  And this is my husband, Eric. Mr Eric Frogshume.

JOSIE:                                   Thank you, Mrs Frogs-home. 

DARLENE:                            FROGSHUM. 

JOSIE:                                   Of course. Now, you were just sitting on the bus, and you realised that the man next to you, was the King of the Greek Gods, 

DARLENE:                            Zeus.  Yes, that was his name.  And his wife was there too, Hera.  She’s the Queen of the Gods, of course.

JOSIE:                                   Right. Hmmm. And er - they told this, did they?  They said, hey, we are Zeus and Hera, King and Queen of the Gods.  Did they say where they were going?  Why they were travelling by bus?

ERIC:                                     They spoke to each other. Very loud voices. We could hear them, speaking their names. Very unusual names, aren’t they?

JOSIE:                                   Yes. Very unusual.

ZEUS:                                    So what? 

HERA:                                    Who else can see this?

HERMES:                              Everyone. 

ZEUS:                                    Everyone?  Everyone in London?

HERMES:                              Everyone.  In the world!

HERA:                                    Oh dear...

ZEUS:                                    Oh dear...

HERMES:                              Yes.  Oh dear...

RENE:                                    Here's your coffees. Oh, was that the bit on the news about Zeus and Hera being on the bus>

HERMES:                              Thank you, young man. So you saw it too?

RENE:                                    Yeah, fascinating stuff. Oh, can I get you anything else? I'm here to serve you know! It'll be my pleasure.

HERMES:                              Thank you so much. Nice to meet you. 

RENE:                                    Oh yes... Yeah absolutely nice to get you to. 

HERMES:                              Do you believe me now? 

HERA:                                    So what happens now?

HERMES:                              You will come with me, I have arranged for you to stay in a very nice place. You must choose new names for yourself--

HERA:                                    Basil.  You can be Basil. 

ZEUS:                                    Why? What is with this Basil?

HERA:                                    It means King, my darling. It suits you.

ZEUS:                                    Oh.  Well.  Well that is very nice of you. And you must be--

HERA:                                    Alexandra.  I shall be Alexandra.

ZEUS:                                    Why?

HERMES:                              It doesn't matter why. Come on. The shelter is not too far from here, we can walk.

HERA:                                    Ah, shelter.  I like the sound of that.  These shoes!!!     

MUSIC. 

SCENE 3. UNLOCKING OF HELEN'S DOOR.

CHARLIE:                              Hello Mrs Docherty.

HELEN:                                  Oh, Charlie.  You're here already.  Lovely to see you.

HUGS AND COATS COMING OFF.

CHARLIE:                              Yes, we got here a bit early. Hope you don't mind.

SUSIE:                                   [FROM THE KITCHEN]. Hi Gran. Be with you in a moment.

HELEN:                                  Oh. Don't be long, I want you to meet someone.

CHARLIE:                              Wow! Ahem!!! [COUGHING] Hello...

HELEN:                                  Sit down Charlie.  This is my friend, Cyllene.  She's here as an observer.

CHARLIE:                              Oh.  Oh good.

SUSIE:                                   What is it Gran?  Oh... Hello?

HELEN:                                  Susie, this is Cyllene, she is here as an observer.

CYLLENE:                             Lovely to meet you. 

HELEN:                                  Take a seat Cyllene.  Lunch will be here in a minute. No, actually, Susie, you sit down. Cyllene will explain it all to you.

SUSIE:                                   Explain what?

HELEN:                                  Just listen, darling. Everyone ok with pizza? I hope so, it's on it's way.

CHARLIE:                              Oh yes please. Lovely.

SUSIE:                                   Yes...

CYLLENE:                             What is pizza?

CHARLIE:                              Pardon?

SUSIE:                                   Haven't you had it before?

HELEN:                                  Cyllene is quite new to this part of the world. 

SUSIE:                                   Oh. Well, it's a sort of Italian invention

CHARLIE:                              With American inter-ventions

SUSIE:                                   Oh, very clever

CHARLIE:                              I thought so

SUSIE:                                   And now it's pretty much everywhere. It's like a pie, only with a thin bread base, instead of pastry

CHARLIE:                              with tomatoes and cheese and

SUSIE:                                   or olives, and anchovies

CHARLIE:                              or pepperoni or prawns sometimes or

SUSIE:                                   or pretty much anything you fancy on top.

CYLLENE:                             Oh.

HELEN:                                  Not for you?  I could do you a sandwich

CYLLENE:                             Oh not at all, I am so looking forward to this - pizza.

HELEN:                                  [WRYLY] Of course you are. 

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

And here it is! You get it, will you Charlie? All paid for.  I just need to get the plates. Over to you, Cyllene.

CYLLENE:                             Well.. I'm so pleased to meet you.  Ah.... How to explain...

SUSIE:                                   You're one of the Greeks, aren't you?

CHARLIE:                              Greeks?  Oh!!! Greeks.  Those Greeks.  Hermes, and, and...

CYLLENE:                             Yes. He is my half-brother. And I am here, as your grandmother explained, as an observer.  

SUSIE:                                   Observing what? What are we doing wrong?

CYLLENE:                             Oh, nothing.  No, no. Nothing is wrong.  It is just, my parents, you know. They were here. And they are concerned about your grandmother. And we - my siblings and I - want to keep her safe.

SUSIE:                                   Safe from who?

HELEN COMES IN WITH PLATES.

HELEN:                                  Whom, darling. Not from who. From whom.

SUSIE:                                   argh. 

HELEN:                                  Help yourselves, everybody.

SUSIE:                                   Right. Safe from whom?

CYLLENE:                             From my parents. 

SUSIE:                                   oh!  So they are up to something. I thought so.

CYLLENE:                             We don't think they want to hurt anyone.  But we are concerned, that they may try to interfere with your grandmother's plans.  So I am with her now, so that she can keep me informed, exactly what she is doing, and then, if necessary, I will check on them. 

CHARLIE:                              You will check on your parents?

CYLLENE:                             Yes. To make sure they do not misunderstand. Misinterpret.  I will decide when it is best to let them know. But I can only do that, if I know precisely what is happening, as regards your grandmother.  

SUSIE:                                   And she agreed to this?

HELEN:                                  "She" is the cat's mother Susie.  I am right here, you know. 

SUSIE:                                   Sorry

HELEN                                   And yes.  It was my idea. I don't want any more family upheavals. We must keep the peace. Mmm.  This is good. 

CHARLIE:                              It is rather. Thank you so much.  Mmmm. My favourite. 

SUSIE:                                   What?

CHARLIE:                              Pizza.  My favourite pizza.

SUSIE:                                   Oh. 

HELEN:                                  You didn't know that?  I knew that!

SUSIE:                                   Oh.

CHARLIE:                              So, what is the plan, Mrs Docherty?  Susie said it's something to do with planting trees to build houses for the homeless.

HELEN:                                  Yes, well, sort of. In a roundabout kind of way.  You know I've met up Dr Shrodinger's daughter and she gave me a whole bunch of names, contacts involved in various local councils around the country.

SUSIE:                                   Did you get in touch with any of them yet?

HELEN:                                  No...  No I didn't.  I'm just, I don't know, I just haven't thought of a good way to approach them. So I thought I'd run it by you two. Brainstorm it, so to speak.

CYLLENE:                             Brainstorm?  Is that safe?

HELEN:                                  Yes, Cyllene. Perfectly safe.  Just a metaphor, for thinking out loud, together, knocking ideas around.

CYLLENE:                             Oh, I like the sound of that.  You share your thoughts, in order to come to a consensus.

HELEN:                                  Oh! If only...  

CYLLENE:                             So I see what you mean.  But. May I ask a question?

HELEN:                                  Of course.

CYLLENE:                             These council people. This is something to do with government, yes?

HELEN:                                  Yes, local government. The ones who look after things that happen in their area, for people who live in the local community.  Traffic, policing, planning, 

CYLLENE:                             Planning? They plan people's lives?

CHARLIE:                              Oh no!  Planning is about local buildings. They decide whether someone can build a particular building in a particular place. They have the regulations, and they try to keep it all - well - balanced? 

CYLLENE:                             So you need permission to build?  And to plant things?

HELEN:                                  I'm pretty sure you can plant what you like in your own garden.

SUSIE:                                   Unless it's a banned invasive species. Like that Japanese whatnot? Thingy? That takes over?

CYLLENE:                             Ah. I understand. Right. But outside of your own garden?  You cannot just... plant... trees... anywhere else?

CHARLIE:                              Good question

HELEN:                                  I don't think you can.  Which is why the councils are responsible for any plantings of trees in their local area. 

SUSIE:                                   And Gran is trying to meet up with them, to see if they will  agree to plant more trees. Because we need them. Don't we?

HELEN:                                  We-ell. Yes, but only in the right places.  And the right kinds of trees. 

CYLLENE:                             And you need to speak to these planning people? The one's who choose what to plant?

HELEN:                                  Yes. And the people who decide whether they can afford to pay for the plants.

CYLLENE:                             Ah.  They also must have permission - yes? To use the money?

HELEN:                                  Yes.

CYLLENE:                             Right. So who gives the permission? Where does the money come from?

HELEN:                                  Well, they get most of it from Whitehall. Central government. 

SUSIE:                                   That's right, Gran.  Maybe you need to speak to someone there, first. Get the treasury department to make sure the money is available.

HELEN:                                  Ah.. no. That's not the problem. Well, it is part of the problem, but it's not the problem I have. 

SUSIE:                                   So what is it then?

HELEN:                                  I need to make sure that they will agree to listen to me in the first place.

CHARLIE:                              Who?

HELEN:                                  The local councillors. Just getting an introduction from Moira McGinty won't be enough. She's an academic, a researcher, she doesn't have any influence. Just the contacts. So... It might get me in the room, but it won't be enough to make them take me seriously. 

CHARLIE:                              Mary.

HELEN:                                  I'm sorry? 

CHARLIE:                              Mary. Mary Hatfield. Your friend Mary, the Environment Minister, didn't you save her life?  And she--

SUSIE:                                   Yes, and she set you up to meet those people who became the official government working party, you remember! For dealing with the waste disposal problems!

HELEN:                                  Oh, Mary! Yes. Yes of course! Charlie, you've done it again.  You are a wise man. 

SUSIE:                                   I knew that.

HELEN:                                  Yes you did, my darling Susie.  You know what?

SUSIE:                                   What?

HELEN:                                  You and Charlie make a good pair.  You should get together sometime!

CHARLIE:                              You think so?

SUSIE:                                   She's pulling our legs, my love.

CHARLIE:                              Ah.  [WHISPERS] Do you think we should tell her?

SUSIE:                                   mmmmmmmm [WHISPERS] maybe not now.

CHARLIE:                              [WHISPERS] Right. Of course. You're right of course. Not now.

HELEN:                                  Cyllene.

CYLLENE:                             Yes Helen.

HELEN:                                  Is there an infestation of hissing snakes in this room?

CYLLENE:                             [GIGGLES] It sounds like it, doesn't it?

HELEN:                                  Come on you two.  You cannot keep a secret, you know that.  What is going on?

SUSIE:                                   Oh, it's nothing to do with this, 

CHARLIE:                              This matter in hand.  We should stick to the subject.

HELEN:                                  Oh I think we've dealt with that subject.  I'm ready to move on to the next item on the agenda.

SUSIE:                                   Oops.

HELEN:                                  But first, I'm going to give Mary Hatfield a call, as you suggested, Charlie.    So just talk among yourselves for a few minutes. I won't be long.

Flloyd:                                    (sings) dan-de-dan-dan daaaan!  To be continued... 

                                                In this week's episode, you heard Wendy Lap as Hera, Ira Seidenstein as Zeus, Christopher McDougall as Hermes, René and Charlie, and Sarah Golding as Cyllene.  The rest of the characters, Nana, Helen and Susie, were played by me, Flloyd Kennedy.  

                                                Yes, I know, this episode is longer than usual. But I'm told most people enjoy their fiction     episodes in 25 minute bites, so I'm working towards it. Let me know what you think? Drop a comment on the website amioldyet.com/reviews. I'd love to know what you think. Seriously! Thanks for listening. Stay safe.