100 Percent Fool Proof! (Really?)

EPISODE 2

Sound Effect: Thunder

Music "In the Labyrinth" John T La Barbera

Thunder's mouth theatre presents "Am I Old Yet?", audio fiction comedy with a difference. Our aging heroine shares senior moments, family relationships, and adventures. Entertaining and a wee bit provocative. In Season 6, some ancient Greek deities chose her to save the planet - if she only knew what her superpower was. And here we are in Season 9! Enjoy.

Episode 1 - "100% Fool Proof - Really?

Music "Song of the Goddess Diana" composed and performed by John T La Barbera

Outdoor cafe ambience.

HELEN:                                    I'm not ungrateful, Demeter. I mean, it's been a huge honour, enormously challenging, to be The Chosen One.  

DEMETER:                               I know. And I am so pleased that you accepted Cyllene's invitation to meet with me again.

HELEN:                                    Of course I would meet with you, Demeter.  But, the thing is - I still have no idea, really, why you chose me, you and Persephone. You must admit there isn't much logic to it.

DEMETER:                               Logic has its place.  This was not its place, in this instance. We knew we needed someone like you. The earth needed someone like you.  And you were there.  So there was no need for anyone else.

HELEN:                                    Ah well, I guess I'm not going to get a better explanation. But we have to talk about the way you did it.

CYLLENE:                                Did what, Helen?

HELEN:                                    Cyllene, they just dumped it on me. With no explanation, no instruction, no rules to follow. And that was never going to work.  It was like, I don't know, like leaving a small child alone with a large chocolate pudding and no spoon. Of course it would be messy. And then Hermes!

CYLLENE:                                Oh?  What about Hermes?  Didn't he try to help you?

HELEN:                                    Of course he did. But - and I'm not saying it was his fault, not at all.  I didn't know what was happening! And he wouldn't—or maybe couldn't, I don't know—but I was none the wiser for his interventions.

CYLLENE:                                I can understand, that must have been frustrating for you-

DEMETER:                               How do you think it could have been done better? Where did we go wrong?

HELEN:                                    You gave me the power to— what?  Have my wishes come true, instantly. But I didn't know that. So I was just having wild, silly, random ideas. Not—not serious wishes, that I'd had time to think about.  And it has to stop!

DEMETER:                               Oh but--

HELEN:                                    I don't mean stop giving me the power. I mean, wait for me to ask for it. When I'm ready.

CYLLENE:                                I see what she means, Aunty D. Helen wants to have time to consider what needs to be done. Isn't that right?  You want to think about it, perhaps take advice.

HELEN:                                    Oh yes. Thank you Cyllene!  That's exactly what I want.  Can you do that? Demeter?

DEMETER:                               As you wish. And it should keep Zeus happy too.

HELEN:                                    Really?  You think he would approve?

DEMETER:                               Well, I wouldn't go that far.  But it should calm him down a bit. 

HELEN:                                    Oh.  I don't like the sound of that.

CYLLENE:                                Don't worry about it, Helen. He's just been acting a bit strangely lately.  Helping mother in the kitchen! But he is not your problem. It's a family thing.

HELEN:                                    Hmmm.  Thank you.

CYLLENE:                                No problem.

SCENE 2

ON THE PHONE WITH JANEY

JANEY:                                    I'm so sorry Mum, I just can't take time out today.  But Susie could drive you.

HELEN:                                    Susie!  Oh.  Can she drive your car?

JANEY:                                    Of course.  She's perfectly capable. And as far as I know, she's not too busy at the moment. Shall I ask her?

HELEN:                                    Yes please.

JANEY:                                    [CALLING OFF] Susie!  Susie darling?

SUSIE:                                     [OFF]. Yes Mum?

JANEY:                                    Your Gran needs to get to Cambridge for a meeting at noon. Would you mind driving her up there?

SUSIE:                                     Sure.  We'll have to leave straight away.

JANEY:                                    She says you'll have to leave straight away.  Is that alright?

HELEN:                                    Sure.  I'll be ready by the time she get here. I'll wait on the kerb.

JANEY:                                    Good.

HELEN:                                    What time will you pick me up tomorrow?

JANEY:                                    Around 9. Are you packed yet?

HELEN:                                    Believe it or not, I am. I'm so looking forward to this holiday.

JANEY:                                    Aren't we all.  Bliss eh?

SCENE 3

CAR DRIVING AMBIENCE

SUSIE:                                     So who is this Dr Shrodinger?  Any relation?

HELEN:                                    To whom?

SUSIE:                                     To the undead cat man.  You know. Shrodinger's cat Is it dead, or is it alive?

HELEN:                                    I have no idea. Probably. It's an unusual name.

SUSIE:                                     And if he's the Chief Meteorologist, why isn't he in Exeter, where the Met office is?

HELEN:                                    Is it?  I did not know that.

SUSIE:                                     Well?

HELEN:                                    Because he said he could meet me if I came to Cambridge.  I'm sure he gets about. He spoke at the COP meeting last year, you know.

SUSIE:                                     Oh, that's impressive. So why are you meeting him? Or is he meeting you?  Does he know about your powers?

HELEN:                                    I don't know.  All I know is, our mutual friend Dr Misha Nicholiev called him up, and asked him to meet with me. So he called me, and here are are, on our way.

SUSIE:                                     Well you must know more than that.  Because otherwise why would Dr Nicholiev have called him in the first place.

HELEN:                                    Because I asked him to suggest someone who could advise me.

SUSIE:                                     Right.  Of course you did.  So there is a plan!

HELEN:                                    Not yet.  That's the whole point.  I cannot come up with a plan until I have all the relevant information to hand before any plan can be hatched.

SUSIE:                                     Oh. 

HELEN:                                    Yes, Oh.  I don't want to go off half-cocked, like before. 

SUSIE:                                     You mean like when you just started blowing litter off the streets as a joke?

HELEN:                                    I have learnt my lesson.  So I am consulting with a very learned chap who knows all about the weather-- 

SUSIE:                                     Oh I see!  And he can advise you, before you 

HELEN:                                    Before I plunge into the deep end again and cause any more damage.  

SUSIE:                                     But you didn't--

HELEN:                                    Oh yes I did. You know, every action we take leads on to something else, and I have to be very careful that it won't be something even more dangerous than the current situation.

SUSIE:                                     You mean, if you fixed something in one place, it might have a detrimental effect down the line?

HELEN:                                    Exactly.  Imagine if people had stopped to think about what might happen if they dug huge quantities coal and oil out of the ground in and then burned it--

SUSIE:                                     You mean, if we hadn't had the Industrial Revolution?

HELEN:                                    I mean if they'd thought it through before rushing Into it. 

SUSIE:                                     But they couldn't have known--

HELEN:                                    No. But they didn't stop to ask. Same with the current tech revolution. Just 'have a great idea' 'make a lot of money' and never a thought for what to me is a bleeding obviously logical conclusion. I need to be convinced that whatever I do, it won't do any harm.  It has to be foolproof. 100%

SUSIE:                                     Oh, I don't know...

HELEN:                                    I know you don't.  None of us do.  But you are having a thought.  Come on. 

SUSIE:                                     It's just...

HELEN:                                    Susie...Out with it.

SUSIE:                                     It's just, if we had to stop and think so deeply about every action we take, we'd never get anything done!  We'd just be tying ourselves up in knots all the time, trying not to do any harm. 

HELEN:                                    And that would be a bad thing?

SUSIE:                                     Possibly. 

HELEN:                                    hmmm

SUSIE:                                     Gran?

HELEN:                                    Yes my lovely one?

SUSIE:                                     Are you having an existential crisis?  I thought that was the demesne of the young. I know I have one every few months.

HELEN:                                    I think they used to be. But apparently, not any more... You know what?  You're a wise woman, Susie.

SUSIE:                                     Takes one to know one! [LAUGHTER]

SCENE 4

FOOTSTEPS WALKING THROUGH LARGE CORRIDOR

 CALUMN:                                And you met Misha, just sitting in the park one day?  Is that right?

HELEN:                                    Yes. We just got chatting. Interesting man, don't you think?

CALUMN:                                 Indeed I do. Very fine mathematician.  We are very lucky to have him in this country now. Ah, here is the office. 

HEAVY WOODEN DOOR OPENING

Come on through. I suggest we sit at the desk. Those armchairs are a nightmare to get out of, once you get down there. 

HELEN:                                    Ah.  Yes.  Good thinking.

CALUMN:                                 Now then, Mrs Docherty.  Misha suggested you may have a project, something that could be of use to my department?

HELEN:                                    Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that.  The thing is... well, let me put it like this I—

CALUMN:                                 You have certain abilities.  That's it, isn't it?  You are able, somehow, to affect things in nature. Am I on the right track?

HELEN:                                    Ye-es.

CALUMN:                                 And so you may be able to - what? Change the weather patterns?  Get rid of the CO2 in the atmosphere?

HELEN:                                    Oh no. Neither of those. Not a good idea at all!

CALUMN:                                 And why not? Wouldn't that be a good thing to do?  Two good things?

HELEN:                                    Yes... and no.

CALUMN:                                 Because?

HELEN:                                    Well, I couldn't 'fix' the weather, as long as the CO2 is there, because it would just switch back again

CALUMN:                                 Yes. Absolutely, it would..

HELEN:                                    And I cannot rid the atmosphere of the CO2, because if I tried to, human activity would keep replacing it. So. Pointless exercise, if you see what I mean.

CALUMN:                                 Ah.  Indeed I do.  I see you have thought this through very thoroughly.

HELEN:                                    Well, I have tried. You see, Dr Shrodinger--

CALUMN:                                 Oh, Calumn, please. Such a mouthful. 

HELEN:                                    Thank you.  

HELEN:                                    So, Calumn.  The thing is,  I have been consulting with my - ah - friends, who got me into this in the first place--

CALUMN:                                 May I ask who these 'friends' are?  Or is it top secret? 

HELEN:                                    No, not like that.  It's just that... you probably won't believe me.

CALUMN:                                 Helen-Helen-Helen...  In the past year, I have witnessed many things that I simply don't believe, and yet, there they were.  Street litter flying through the sky into the outer atmosphere?  Stray dogs working together to control it?  All over the world?  Heroin, one of the world's most powerful and addictive drugs suddenly becoming non-addictive? Who could believe that? Hmm?

HELEN:                                    Yes.  Unbelievable.

CALUMN:                                 And yet, we know it happened. So please. Try me. These friends of yours are?

HELEN:                                    Ancient Greek Gods. And Scandinavian ones. And African, and, well...

CALUMN:                                 All of them?  All around the world? Every culture?

HELEN:                                    Well, I haven't met them all.  But they all seem to be keen to help. 

CALUMN:                                 Help in what way?

HELEN:                                    It started when some of the Greeks gifted me with the power to affect the things of nature. 

CALUMN:                                 Like the wind?  And the poppies?

HELEN:                                    Yes.  How did you know that?

CALUMN:                                 I listen to the podcast

HELEN:                                    There's a podcast? About this?

CALUMN:                                 No.

HELEN:                                    Oh.  Why not, I wonder? I'd listen to it.

CALUMN:                                 So would I.  But no, it was Misha. He swore me to secrecy. Now then.  What can I do to help?

HELEN:                                    I need you to advise me, to provide me with the research, the data - whatever you call it - that I need, to help me decide on what would be really useful, that would help people, even just a few at a time, to make a difference.  I mean, not just doing the recycling, eating less meat, all those things that we can do relatively easily in this country. No, I mean people in other parts of the world, not to make it easy for them, but to make it possible for them to do what they can. 

CALUMN:                                 Not easy, but possible.  Very careful choice of words.  I commend you Helen. Not easy, but possible. Yes. I like it. 

HELEN:                                    Will you help me?

CALUMN:                                 Of course.  Now.  You have an idea?  At all?  Just a teeny tiny one?

HELEN:                                    A very teeny tiny one. Are you ready?

CALUMN:                                 As the 'young people' around here like to say, I was born ready.

You've been listening to Season 9, Episode 2 of "Am I Old Yet?" written and produced by me, Flloyd Kennedy.

Now, in today's episode, you heard Sarah Golding as Cyllene and Christopher McDougall as Dr. Calumn Schrodinger. Everybody else was played by me.

I'd like to give a shout out to Scott, Jane, and Joanna, who are my Patreons over on patreon.com/amIold yet, if you care to join them. They have been supporting me for quite some time now and I am incredibly grateful.

Thanks guys.

And if you'd like to help in any way you can, well then, the best way to do that, as well as possibly throwing some pennies in the bucket, is to spread the word, tell your friends about us, and pass on the link. Hopefully we'll get some more ears.

It's World Radio Day today. It's a great way to celebrate it, making some audio fiction.

Anyway, I'm off. Got to get on with next week's episode.

Thanks for listening.